


Two Wolves

by Spirit_Howl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2018-06-03 05:19:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 29
Words: 45,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6598366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spirit_Howl/pseuds/Spirit_Howl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius needs to make new friends. Remus just wants to hang on to his job.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Remus

Remus

‘Remus, a word please,’ Dumbledore poked his head through the opened door of the staff room to address his religious studies teacher, who was absorbed in his lesson plans. Remus Lupin looked up, his annoyance at the interruption visible for a brief moment before he smiled broadly on meeting the headmaster’s gaze.

‘Sure, what is it Albus?’ 

Dumbledore said nothing in response, merely smiled warmly before taking a seat. ‘I admire your dedication, Remus, but it is 6 o’clock on a Friday. I am sure a young man such as you has much more interesting things they could be doing with their time.’

Remus blushed. ‘I just wanted to get these done, I was on a roll. I’m almost finished, honestly,’ he protested, his words coming out fast.

‘Remus,’ the headmaster addressed him, the tone of his voice calm but firm. ‘I overheard a couple of the sixth-formers talking about your lesson this afternoon. They said you were different, as if you were in a rush. They were struggling to keep up with what you were telling them and when they asked you to clarify a point, you were uncharacteristically short with them.’

‘Maybe, as it is Friday, their levels of concentration weren’t what they could have been,’ Remus suggested in his own defence.

Dumbledore nodded in acknowledgement of the possibility before continuing. What I am saying is sometimes we all need a break. Go home, get some sleep. Hopefully, you will be back to your old self in no time and come Monday we can forget this conversation ever happened,’ he concluded with a smile.

Remus nodded hurriedly before gathering up his papers and, having wished his boss a pleasant weekend, made his way to the bus stop outside the school gates. 

Sleep came to him relatively easy that night, the week’s work catching up with him, but he woke in the early hours of the morning and found himself unable to fall back asleep. Instead, he returned to his planning. Once that was completed, he started on marking the year 10s’ homework. 

Once the sunlight broke through his window, distracting him, he got dressed and took his meds with his breakfast toast. Leaving the dishes unwashed, he set off for his morning run. He was gratified to see that he had improved his personal best time, especially considering he was barely out of breath. Re-entering his flat, he stripped off his running clothes and headed for the shower.

The rest of the day passed calmly. He tidied up after himself and managed to relax for a short while by listening to a CD of pieces by Debussy he must have bought at the height of one of his first manias when he had convinced himself his piano playing had suddenly become prodigious. He had eventually become a reasonable player, but this probably had more to do with years of dedicated practice than any innate genius. Though he currently had neither the money nor the space for a piano, weekday lunchtimes would often see him sneak in to one of the music department’s practice rooms to play.

As he tidied up the remains of his lunch, planning to return to his marking, his phone buzzed with a text. It was from Kingsley, a friend he had met during his undergrad studies and who had stuck by him over the intervening years, saying they were going out that evening to welcome a junior colleague who had recently transferred to CID and he should come. Having not seen anyone that day and with the music having had the desired effect, he could not see the harm. After all, Albus had alluded to this kind of thing when he had first approached him yesterday. Banishing thoughts of the headmaster’s interference from his mind, he replied positively and went to choose what he would wear. It took longer than it should have, considering his options were limited, but in the end the perfect outfit was selected and he settled back down to work.

Eventually, he got changed and made his way to the pub opposite the police station where Kingsley said he and his colleagues would be gathering. Opening the door, he spotted his friend immediately, his large frame drawing Remus’ eyes to his position at the bar. Smiling broadly, Remus approached his friend, clapping him on the back in greeting.

‘You made it!’ Kingsley exclaimed happily upon turning to see his friend’s smiling face. ‘I’m just ordering drinks, what’ll you have?’ 

‘What are you guys drinking?’ Remus asked.

‘Beer mostly,’ Kingsley informed him with a shrug.

‘That’ll do,’ Remus decided. One beer couldn’t do too much damage, especially seeing as it was the weekend.

Once the drinks were ordered, Kingsley showed him to their table, introducing his colleagues one by one as he handed them their drinks.

‘And here is the lady of the hour, Ms. Dora Tonks,’ he finished, handing a glass of whisky to a pink-haired woman in her early twenties. ‘Welcome to the department, Tonks.’

‘Congratulations,’ he addressed her, an amused edge to his voice. ‘Is the hair an act of celebration or defiance?’

She beamed. ‘A bit of both,’ she admitted.

They spent the next couple of hours regaling Remus with tales of derring-do over a pub meal and he reciprocated with a few entertaining anecdotes about his and Kingsley’s student days before the more senior staff made their excuses and left for home. With them gone, Tonks suggested heading to a bar she knew a few streets away. Although a small part of him reminded him why this was possibly not the best idea, he was feeling good and Dora seemed to be enjoying his company.

He doesn’t remember much after that. At some point, Kingsley must have taken his leave of them and he found himself waking up in a strange bed that was definitely not his own: the band posters adorning the walls attested to that. This was not good. Although he had resented Dumbledore’s insinuations on Friday evening, it was time to face the possibility that he was entering another period of mania. The fact that he was wide awake, not even a hangover in sight, could attest to that. 

Tonks must have sensed his racing thoughts because she woke, smiling sleepily in his direction. ‘What time is it?’ she mumbled.

Remus looked at his watch. ‘Seven,’ he told her. 

‘Do you not sleep?’ she complained. He laughed, the bitter edge disappearing as he became hysterical.

Groaning in frustration, Dora hit him over the head with a pillow she had yanked out from underneath him.

‘It’s a good thing I’m only interested in your body Lupin, because you and I would not work out long-term,’ she told him.

‘What makes you say that?’ he asked her, still amused.

‘If I had known you were a morning person, I would not have invited you back last night, no matter how good you were in bed. Sundays are for sleeping in.’

‘You admit I was good, though?’ he teased. Her only response was to resume assaulting him with the pillow.

He made it out a few hours later. The pillow fights seemingly having done enough to reawaken Dora’s desire, he wasn’t going to refuse the offer of morning sex. They parted on good terms, both fully aware that this was no more than a bit of fun. 

What wasn’t fun was the constant buzzing of his phone. Kingsley had been trying to get hold of him pretty much non-stop since the clock struck nine. As he walked away from Tonks’ flat, he finally picked up.

‘Hey Kings, what’s up?’ he cheerfully answered the phone.

‘Please tell me you’ve been safely tucked up in your own bed since I left you and the only reason you haven’t picked up until now is because you were trying to get your full eight hours,’ his friend’s voice begged down the other end.

‘Can’t do that,’ he confessed, still smiling.

‘How long’s this been going on, Remus?’ Kingsley’s tone was serious, concerned. 

‘What do you mean? I just met Tonks last night, you know that,’ Remus joked, irritated by his friend’s miserable mood and trying to lighten the atmosphere that was building.

‘I meant the fact that you’re still functional on a ridiculously small amount of sleep, the sex, the fact that one wrong word from me and your mood could flip from amusement to anger. Has anyone else noticed?’

Thinking of Dumbledore yet again, Remus’ mood soured further. It had been less than two days. Even he was occasionally allowed the odd over-the-top weekend, wasn’t he?

‘Just go home, take your meds and try to get some sleep, alright?’ Kingsley told him with a sigh.

‘Okay, Mother,’ Remus responded sarcastically, thoroughly annoyed now. Kingsley too seemed to have had enough, hanging up without saying another word.

He took his pills but, too agitated to either sleep or settle down to work, he grabbed his swimming gear and headed back out. Swimming helped focus his mind, the up and down repetition of lengths taking the edge off the swirling thoughts inside his head. He swam until his muscles screamed loud enough to drown out the incessant chattering in his mind.

Later, he was able to remain calm enough to complete his marking, ready to face the week ahead. After all, whatever else he may be, he prided himself on being a great teacher.

Sleep continued to elude him, however.


	2. Sirius

Sirius was planning to spend his weekend in the usual fashion, sitting beside Harry watching James play cricket. James played county cricket for Gloucestershire, making him a minor celebrity among the British-Indian community to which he belonged. With Lily often working ridiculous hours as an F1 at the local hospital in Taunton, they had turned to Sirius and offered him the opportunity to become Harry’s nanny. Sirius had jumped at the chance, dispelling Lily’s worries that the job would be too much for him. Of course, Sirius had been part of Harry’s life since the beginning when Lily feared she might have to give up on her dream career halfway through her studies but up until he accepted the job he had always been able to hand him back to his parents when the screams and the tears grew too much to bear. 

Right now though, Harry was his responsibility and he was struggling. Harry wanted his Mummy and as much as Sirius tried to reason with him, tried to explain that Lily was busy looking after some very sick people, the boy would not stop crying. 

‘Harry, please! If we don’t hurry up and get ready we’ll miss seeing Daddy play,’ Sirius argued with the four-year-old. He hated this, hated seeing Harry in tears and knowing he could do nothing to make it better. He could feel the guilt creeping up on him, though the rational side of his brain told him he was not to blame. Thankfully, Harry stopped crying, the lure of seeing a match too tempting for a kid already obsessed with cricket. Sirius could feel the tightness in his own chest easing in tandem with Harry’s sobs. James and Lily had tried explaining it to Harry, but it was doubtful what impact telling a four year old that his tears and childish screams reminded Uncle Padfoot of life with his awful-terrible parents had had when Harry himself was so cherished. Still, on the whole Harry was a cheerful child and Sirius had sworn he would do everything in his power to make sure it stayed that way. 

Eventually, Harry came back down and they walked to Temple Meads to catch the train to Cheltenham. There was always a special atmosphere on match-days, the town pulsating with excitement. Sirius let himself be swept up by the general sense of optimism, let it overcome the stress which had built up over the course of the morning. They made their way through the crowds to find their seats, buzzing with anticipation. Gloucestershire were facing Essex in the T20, and having won the toss, elected to field. It started well; Gloucestershire restricting Essex to 140 runs before the interval, a reasonable target though there was no denying Gloucestershire had a match on their hands. Sirius took Harry to the toilets, the youngster chattering away excitedly about his father’s chances. The queues were long and by the time they were done, it was time to get back to their seats to await Gloucester’s innings. James and his opening partner strode out to the middle to get things under way. With T20, there was no time for the openers to feel their way into the match and the big hits started coming straight away. Though James’ opening partner perished quickly, James struck the ball confidently and soon reached his half-century. Harry went crazy, whooping and jumping on the spot, which made Sirius laugh, overwhelmed with love. James eventually fell on 75, having put in a match-winning performance. 

James’ team-mates had grown used to the Potters’ unconventional family set-up over the years but the news that Sirius was now officially working as their nanny left James open to teasing that he had better watch his wife. James and Sirius laughed harder than anyone else, knowing that Lily was of no interest to Sirius whatsoever. Not that James’ team-mates were to know, attitudes in the locker-room concerning sexual preferences seemingly not having moved on all that much from the Victorian era. 

Once the post-match debrief and media responsibilities were dealt with, Sirius was able to drag James away. The three of them spent their evening cooking undhiyu according to the traditional Potter family recipe. Lily arrived home at eight and all four sat down to eat together before Lily took Harry up to bed. After she came back down, Sirius stayed an extra hour or so before getting on his bike and heading back to his flat. Closing the door behind him, he breathed a sigh of relief at finding himself alone once more. As much as he loved his family, he had been losing focus towards the end of the evening and was grateful for the sight of his bed.

Sunday he had to himself. He started the day with the pranayama breathing exercises Fleamont had taught him after he was first diagnosed. They helped to centre him, to remind him that he had survived. Later, he would carry out his sanda training in order to channel and control his emotions through physical exertion. In-between he ate, he played a few rounds of chess against his computer and he took his bike for a ride out to the surrounding countryside. He did not socialise. McGonagall had told him that in order to be considered fully functional he needed to be able to open up to people beside the Potters, which he was not willing to do, not yet.

James had had the good sense to worm his way past Sirius’ defences before they were built too high, before Sirius became truly aware that the relationship he shared with his parents was not normal. Even with Fleamont and Euphemia it had taken time, with Sirius testing the boundaries of their love, convinced there must be a limit, a breaking point after which the hugs would be exchanged for harsh words and beatings. It never came and in the end, Sirius expanded his circle of trust and gratitude in order to accommodate them. Lily had it hardest. McGonagall said that he resented her for stealing the attention of someone he saw as a saviour. He was uncomfortable admitting it, but maybe there was an element of truth in there somewhere. Lily was patient though, learning all she could about PTSD and making herself available to Sirius whenever there was something he needed to get off his chest which he just could not share with James. She was better at dealing with his anger, staying calm where James had a tendency to rise to the bait. Harry he accepted straight away as both the product of the love shared by two of the most important people in his life and as a child in need of his protection. 

Back at the flat, he cooked himself some steam minced pork, the food being one of the few good memories he had of life back home, and sat down in front of the television to eat it. He had tuned in just in time for the late evening regional news broadcast, and assuming it would be filled with its usual stories of village fetes and missing cats being reunited with their owners, he missed the headlines to concentrate on eating his dinner.

Tuning back in he found that the presenter was announcing that some scumbag called Peter Pettigrew who had been found guilty of downloading child porn for his own personal use a couple of months back had been found hanging in his cell, cause currently unknown. The presenters made a point of the fact that Pettigrew had never been found guilty of sexual relations with minors, but the truth remained that his viewing habits necessitated it. Sirius’ own abuse had been different: the Blacks preferred to use words, which left no visible scars, or their fists, but only where the bruises could remain hidden beneath his clothes. Occasionally, they locked him up and denied him food, but that kind of punishment society could accept, as long as you repeated often enough how unruly the child was. If they had ever been tempted to indulge in anything of a sexual nature, they were held back by the knowledge that Sirius’ accusations would have caused a scandal at the very least, and they would be forever tainted with suspicion, their standing damaged beyond repair. 

He could feel himself dissociating, possibly as a prelude to a flashback so he took a deep breath and recited the alphabet backwards, knowing that listing the furniture would eventually get him back around to the television, which was too risky at that particular moment. By the time he got to A, the presenter had moved on to the rescue of Demeter the Cat and Sirius laughed at the absurdity of it all, the belief that this good news story could distract from all the evil in the world.


	3. First Meeting

Somehow, Remus made it through the last week of term. It had been a close-run thing, with Dumbledore furious that he had revealed his condition and its cause while discussing the Pettigrew case with his Year 12 class. Buoyed by the false confidence of his mania, Remus had argued he had nothing to be ashamed of. Still, after a week of insomnia and irritability, of racing thoughts and restlessness, Remus was practiced enough to know it was time he went to see McGonagall. The six weeks of summer which stretched out before him were both a blessing and a curse: it would give him time to recover, but it would also make it harder to maintain a routine. So, on Friday, the first day of the holidays, Remus was sat waiting for an emergency appointment with his psychiatrist. Still, his day was brightened considerably when he saw who else was sat awaiting their turn.

Since Sirius had moved in with the Potters, every Friday meant a trip to see Professor McGonagall. They would discuss any triggering events and his responses before coming up with achievable targets to be met before the next consultation. Lately, his objectives seemed to be focused more and more on expanding his social circle beyond the Potters. With his bike and his meditation, McGonagall seemed satisfied that he had enough hobbies, and the sanda reassured her that he was getting regular exercise. Furthermore, since he started looking after Harry on a regular basis she no longer pushed him to find work, though he could tell she was disappointed he had not made much effort to find anything outside of his family circle. The one big sticking point, the one which he had been resisting for years now, was making new friends. Since being kicked out of home aged sixteen, he had lost faith that anyone other than James and his family could ever accept him as he was. So he was startled to feel appreciative eyes on him, having trained himself to ignore all advances out of shame and self-loathing.

Remus smiled as he saw the other man turn to face him. He really was stunningly attractive, with those startling grey eyes contrasting markedly with his long black hair and sharp features. If he didn’t know better, he would almost have been able to convince himself that the man sat opposite him was a famous rock star, but that was ridiculous: celebrities went to rehab at the Priory in London, they did not attend NHS drop-in centres in Bristol. Feeling confident, Remus decided he might as well make a move now before McGonagall put him on medication to bring him back down. He smiled winningly towards the other man, who blushed adorably in response. Before Remus could do anything more however, McGonagall called him in to see her.

She confirmed that what he had been experiencing were warning signs of an impending manic episode and congratulated him on his swift action, prescribing him valproate to go with the lithium he was already taking. She took some blood in order to monitor his liver function before suggesting he let his father know what was happening. Remus knew that the likelihood of him doing so was low. It was not that Lyall didn’t care, more that he cared too much and Remus did not want to have to face his father’s guilt as he tried to get back on level ground. 

Meanwhile, Sirius was panicking. He did not believe in fate but for the first time in years he had noticed someone flirting with him, and that someone was a man by the name of Remus Lupin. Of course, the name was ridiculous enough that it could be a code name but if it wasn’t, then surely that must be a sign. Although Western astronomy had decreed Sirius to be a dog, the Chinese believed the star system represented a wolf. His Cantonese name therefore was Tin Long, otherwise known as the Celestial Wolf and as such he had always felt a special affinity with the dog’s wilder cousin. From what Sirius had glimpsed of the man before McGonagall had summoned him, he was nothing special. He was of average height and build, though Sirius could admit a slight twinge of envy at his light brown hair’s ability to curl where his own stayed resolutely straight. 

As the man walked back out of McGonagall’s office, he smiled at Sirius and came right up to him.

‘I’ll be waiting,’ Remus declared in a conspiratorial whisper. Sirius said nothing, too nervous to speak.

McGonagall praised him for his ability to self-soothe in the wake of the Pettigrew incident and his continued success in dealing with Harry’s occasional tantrums. However, they soon moved on to the one area where they both knew he was not making progress: his social life.

‘Sirius,’ she began. ‘I don’t want to sound as if you have not made wonderful progress, because you have. You’re managing your symptoms really well and on every other indicator you are exceeding expectations. However, it is not healthy for a twenty-five year old such as you to be living as a recluse. Why don’t you make more of an effort with James’ team-mates? Or maybe some of the parents at Harry’s school? I know the holidays have just started but I’m sure Harry would love the opportunity to see his friends.’

‘What if they find out I’m gay?’ he asked, getting to the crux of the matter. 

‘Sirius,’ she repeated softly. ‘Would it be alright if I held your hand?’

He nodded, though his expression showed confusion.

‘Your sexual preferences are nothing to be ashamed of; they can define you as much or as little as you want. Your parents’ beliefs and attitudes were already out of step with the national mood when you were born and I think you’ll find most people to be quite accepting. I am not saying everyone will be, I think you might have a hard time of it from James’ team-mates for example, but for most your sexual orientation will be the least interesting thing about you. You can tell them in your own time, but please don’t let it be what holds you back,’ she implored. He nodded once again and she dismissed him after he promised to organise some sort of social event not involving the Potters before their next appointment.

He was only mildly surprised to see Remus Lupin was still hanging around, smiling up at him when he heard the door open. Deciding he might as well get his homework over and done with, he gave in and smiled back.

‘You waited,’ Sirius pointed out, addressing the other man for the first time.

‘I said I would,’ Remus agreed nonchalantly. ‘Come on, I have a hot date with the pharmacist,’ he announced brightly.

‘Are you sure you want me to come along?’ Sirius asked, slightly concerned that he was on the verge of being initiated into the centre’s secret swingers club.

Remus rolled his eyes. ‘I meant it figuratively. McGonagall prescribed me some anticonvulsants in the hope that I’ll avoid a full manic episode. What about you?’

‘Complex PTSD,’ Sirius told him.

‘I’m sorry,’ Remus apologised, his voice low. He should have known really, McGonagall specialised in treating young patients who had been victims of trauma, himself included.

Sirius did not reply, only giving the merest half shrug to say it was not his fault. They continued walking in near silence, Remus tapping out an irregular rhythm on the side of his leg.

Eventually, they reached the pharmacy and Remus turned his attention to the dispensing chemist. Sirius went next, getting a new order of anti-depressants. Once both had what they came for, they started walking towards the exit.

‘So did something happen to trigger you or what?’ Sirius asked.

‘Not sure. McGonagall reckons it might just be the fact that summer’s here and school is over,’ Remus told him.

‘I hope you don’t mind me saying you look a bit old to still be in school,’ Sirius replied.

Remus laughed a full belly-laugh and Sirius decided he quite liked it, even if it was at his own expense. ‘I’m a teacher,’ he clarified.

‘They let you teach?’ Sirius asked, impressed.

‘Sure. Legally, as long as I have my bipolar under control there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be allowed. Dumbledore- my boss- gets a bit over-involved if he’s worried something I do is a result of an episode, but that’s really the only interference I get. Granted, the rest of the staff doesn’t know, but then it’s none of their business,’ Remus concluded. ‘What about you, dashing military man?’ 

‘No, I’m, um, I’m a nanny?’ Sirius replied, sounding more uncertain than he wanted. He loved his job, but he knew some people would judge. People like his birth parents for instance. ‘I look after my godson Harry most of the week. His dad, my best friend James, plays cricket for Gloucestershire and his wife Lily is training to be a doctor so their lives are quite busy,’ he explained.

‘That’s cool, though being a Celt I never really understood the appeal of cricket, it’s rugby all the way for me I’m afraid,’ Remus confessed. Sirius agreed, rugby having always chimed in better with his mood than James’ beloved cricket. During his school days he generally found cricket to be too genteel, not permitting him an outlet for all his pent-up fury in the same way that rugby did. He never admitted this out loud though, he owed James too much to hurt him like that.

‘How old’s Harry may I ask?’ Remus asked.

Sirius smiled as the conversation moved on to his favourite topic. ‘He’s four, turning five in ten days’ time.’

Remus’ mood changed in an instant. He grabbed hold of Sirius’ shirt, pale green eyes wide with anguish. Sirius became nervous, his heart racing.

‘They’re so fragile at that age,’ Remus told him, his face inches from Sirius’ own. ‘So innocent. You will make sure nothing happens to him, won’t you?’

‘That’s the plan, yeah,’ Sirius assured him while trying to disentangle the other man’s fingers from his shirt and keep his own breathing under control. ‘Listen, it was nice meeting you but James is expecting me and I’m already late,’ he said, rushing to make his excuses.

Remus seemed to come out of whatever trance he had fallen into at the mention of Harry’s age and started apologising profusely. Eventually, Sirius got him to stop long enough to say it was alright, even though it wasn’t, not really. He hurriedly said goodbye and made his way out of the centre.


	4. Recovery

Remus

After what had happened at the Centre, Remus admitted that maybe McGonagall had been right to advise his father come and stay. So, despite his misgivings, he dialled Lyall’s number.

‘Hello?’ Lyall called down the other end.

‘Da? It’s me, Remus. I have a favour to ask you. I’ve just come back from seeing Professor McGonagall and she says I’m experiencing mania and although it’s not bad enough for hospitalisation, she wants someone to make sure I take my meds and don’t do anything to jeopardise my recovery. Just for the first few weeks until my symptoms stabilise,’ Remus explained in a rush.

Lyall, of course, said he would pack his suitcase and be on his way, and no more than an hour later, he was ringing the doorbell to Remus’ flat. Remus, upset by the concerned look on his father’s face, hugged him so he would not have to see before letting him in.

With his father’s help, Remus established new routine to get him through the summer. Now that the school year had ended, Remus risked losing all structure. Lyall made sure he was in bed by ten in order to maximise his hours of sleep. When Remus woke, they would head out for a walk around Castle Park before coming home to eat some porridge with fruit for breakfast. Afterwards, he would have time to himself, to listen to music or read a book, as long as he concentrated on one at a time instead of trying to read five at once. Much to his consternation, Lyall insisted he switch to drinking decaf tea, which made him even more irritable for the first few days before his body accepted the change. He was not allowed to drink alcohol, and Lyall removed all temptation from the flat. Lunch and dinner often involved oily fish such as salmon or sardines, eaten with a salad. He took his medication. He played piano for an hour every day, only stopping because his father would call him to eat or to carry out other activities. 

Kingsley would come round when he had free time, his generally calm demeanour approved of by Lyall. Eventually, Remus managed to get himself to a point where he was able to recognise how rudely he had treated his friend and apologise.

‘It’s alright,’ Kingsley assured him. ‘You were ill. You’ve also been a lot worse in the time I’ve known you. You’re obviously getting much better at recognising the signs for yourself, I would consider that progress if I were you,’ he smiled encouragingly. Remus managed a weary half-smile in response. 

Thinking of the cause of his outburst towards Kingsley, he blushed. ‘Have you told Dora?’ he asked.

Kingsley shook his head. ‘I only told her that you weren’t feeling well. It’s your choice whether you tell her anything more.’ 

‘Thanks. I probably won’t, we’re nothing serious,’ Remus confessed.

‘Glad to hear it. Don’t want our newest detective getting distracted on the job because all she can think about is you!’ Kingsley teased. ‘Moody would have my head because you know he’d blame me for introducing the pair of you,’ he added. From the stories he’d heard concerning Kingsley’s surly boss, Remus was inclined to agree and the two of them laughed at the thought of Kingsley standing there calmly as Moody reprimanded him for his foolishness.

‘What’s got you two laughing so hard?’ he asked, smiling. Despite the fear that his son’s joyful mood could tip into mania at any moment, he was always grateful to see him smile after everything he had gone through.

‘Oh, just Kingsley’s boss,’ Remus informed him. Lyall shook his head, still clueless.

‘Right, dinner’s almost ready if you two want to set the table,’ he informed them. The pair of them scrambled up from the sofa, still smiling.

Sirius

‘So, how was it?’ James asked Sirius the minute he walked through the door of the Potter’s cottage.

‘Weird,’ his brother answered simply before heading straight for the settee. ‘McGonagall told me to make more of an effort to meet people and there was this guy at the Centre who appeared friendly enough so we had a bit of a chat. It started off really well you know? We were discussing our reasons for being there, then we moved on to our careers and it was great until I mentioned Harry’s age at which point he grabbed hold of my shirt and started telling me how important it was that I keep him safe.’

‘You said you discussed your conditions, do you remember what he said?’ Lily asked, coming out of the kitchen with a beer for Sirius.

‘He said he was bipolar and on the verge of entering mania,’ Sirius recounted.

‘Well, delusions are usually further along, but if he’s bipolar I it might have been a persecutory delusion. Maybe something awful happened to him when he was around Harry’s age and you mentioning it triggered some sort of reflex reaction, a bit like when you can’t tell the difference when you’re experiencing a flashback,’ Lily explained, sitting down next to him. 

‘Must have been pretty horrendous, the way he reacted,’ Sirius conceded.

‘You’re okay though?’ James asked, concerned.  
Sirius sighed. ‘Yeah, he let go pretty quickly. Once he stopped apologising I managed to get away and get my breathing under control.’

‘You need to tell McGonagall, get your appointment changed,’ James told him.

Sirius squirmed. Ten minutes ago, he would have agreed whole-heartedly with James. Lily had made him see things differently though. What if Lupin was like him, another victim of childhood abuse? It wasn’t a ridiculous notion, considering McGonagall’s area of expertise. Maybe he should talk to him again, let him explain himself. 

‘It’s okay. Today was the first time we even met. I don’t think he usually has his appointments on Friday afternoons, being a teacher. This was probably an emergency appointment because of the mania symptoms,’ Sirius argued.

‘He’s a teacher?’ James exclaimed in shock. ‘What’s his name? Someone that dangerous should not be allowed near children!’

Lily sent her husband a warning look. It was strange how their roles had reversed since the start of the year, when James had been blasé about Sirius’ ability to manage his PTSD well enough to be considered suitable as Harry’s full-time childminder. Maybe it was because James knew Sirius almost better than Sirius knew himself, having spent over half their lives as the best of friends. Maybe if Sirius was just another random nutter, like Remus currently was for James, then things would have been different. After all, James had witnessed his anger first-hand while they were still at school, knew Sirius had moments of uncontrollable rage. It was a sobering thought, and one which strengthened Sirius’ resolve to give Remus a chance to explain. 

‘He’s a secondary school Religious Studies teacher; I doubt he and Harry have ever crossed paths. Not even at the cricket because he’s Welsh and all about the rugby I’m sorry to say, Prongs,’ Sirius told him. 

James pulled a disgusted face at the slight on his beloved sport. ‘Maybe I should go with you next week?’ he suggested.

Sirius laughed at that. ‘I’m a big boy, Prongsy; I can fend off the big bad wolf by myself. Anyway, what would you do with Harry?’ It was a dirty trick: Sirius knew James would be uncomfortable with bringing Harry to the centre and was pinning his hopes on this being enough to persuade his brother to stay away. 

‘You don’t fancy him, do you?’ James glowered in Sirius’ general direction.

Sirius shrugged. He knew that he was considered conventionally better looking than Remus, but there was just something about the other guy that intrigued him, pulling him in despite what had happened earlier. 

Frustrated, James stormed out into the garden, needing some air.

‘Just be careful, yeah? We love you and want you to have good things,’ Lily told Sirius as she leant her head against his shoulder. 

‘I know. I just, I’m twenty-five years old and I can’t even make friends without it being this massive issue,’ he protested in frustration.

‘So you’re really intent on sorting things out with this guy?’

‘I don’t know but the way you explained what might be happening, I have to give him a chance to clear things up don’t I?’ Sirius reasoned.

Lily hugged him. ‘I’m proud of you, but promise you’ll put yourself first alright?’ she whispered in his ear. ‘If you feel unsafe, get out. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed.’ Sirius nodded against her shoulder. Slowly, he pulled away, saying he should probably be headed back. After saying a quick goodbye to James, he got on his bike and headed home.


	5. Explanations

The rest of the week passed relatively peacefully. Harry was done with school for the summer so Sirius and he spent the time they were not attending James’ matches playing in the park or, on rainy days visiting some of the local attractions. On one of the days where James was home early, Sirius snuck off to buy Harry’s birthday present. Knowing how desperate his godson was to follow in his father’s footsteps and start playing cricket, Sirius was determined to buy him his first bat, regardless of what Lily might say. By the time Friday came around again, the deed was done and excitement for the weekend was becoming almost unbearable. Worse, Harry had been invited to a party on the Saturday for a classmate by the unfortunate name of Neville Longbottom, adding to his hyperactive mood. It was almost a relief therefore to get away for an hour or so to see McGonagall.

The appointment went reasonably well. Sirius told her he had reached out to a fellow Centre patient and managed to hold a pleasant conversation for half an hour. He told her he was hoping to repeat the experiment after their appointment. He did not say who it was, nor did he tell her how it had ended. She sympathised when he told her he had felt anger at James’ overbearing mother-hen act and Sirius got the impression, not for the first time, that she slightly disapproved of the closeness of their relationship. At first he had been reluctant to agree with her suggestion that he needed to meet other people, give James space. As his health improved though, he was starting to accept that their relationship was a lot more involved than that between most twenty-something siblings, and that maybe she was right that he needed to start trusting others in order to be able to see James as a flawed human being, just like everyone else.

Coming out of the session, his mood was positive, with McGonagall obviously pleased with his progress. As such, upon seeing Remus he smiled, causing the other man to blush. Without prompting, Sirius told him ‘I’ll be waiting.’ 

Remus was embarrassed. He would have understood if Sirius had ignored him on coming out of his own consultation, but instead he had told Remus he would be waiting, without Remus even smiling at him. Still, McGonagall had said his recovery was going well, and he supposed that the fact he could feel shame was testament to that. Maybe this would not be an unmitigated disaster after all.

When he came out of her office, Sirius waited until the next patient had gone in and McGonagall had shut the door before speaking.

‘Right, let’s find somewhere we can sit down and talk shall we?’ he proposed.

Remus nodded, before suggesting they go outside in case things went horribly wrong and Sirius had to make a run for it once more. Ten minutes later, they found a bench near the entrance.

‘I’m sorry,’ Remus finally blurted out, unable to hold the apology in any longer.

Sirius shook his head. ‘I don’t want another apology; there was plenty of that last week. I just want to know what caused it.’

Remus ran his hand through his hair, trying to get his racing thoughts into an order the man sat next to him could understand. He knew he could not rush this if he wanted to remain in Sirius’ life.

‘Just before my fifth birthday, I was kidnapped by a man my father suspected of being a paedophile, as a sort of revenge on my father for daring to accuse him. He raped me repeatedly and beat me severely if I tried to fight him off. Eventually I was rescued but my fifth birthday was spent recovering in hospital. McGonagall reckons part of what triggered the bipolar was coming to terms with what happened to me. I guess in the agitation caused by my mania I overreacted,’ he explained.

Remus could tell Sirius did not know what to say. Eventually, he settled on apologising, and explaining his own background, presumably so that they would be even.

‘My parents never liked me. When I was younger they would lock me up without food on a regular basis for the smallest indiscretion, and as I grew older and more rebellious they started beating me. When I was sixteen, I told them I was gay and they chucked me out. The PTSD is a direct consequence of what I suffered at their hands,’ he told Remus. ‘I know it’s not the same, but I want you to know I understand a little.’

Remus smiled. ‘You’re right it’s not the same. Greyback meant nothing to me before the attack; he had no responsibility towards me. Your parents should be the two people you can rely on to be there for you, to love you unconditionally and they failed. I think that’s worse. You know what though? I’m glad these things happened to us,’ he told Sirius, his face solemn once more.

Sirius laughed. ‘What makes you say that?’ he asked, confused by the seemingly absurd comment.

‘Well, if you had had normal parents, I might never have met you. I can’t say that I wouldn’t be bipolar if not for Greyback, but you definitely wouldn’t be here if your parents were halfway human. You would be some famous rock star with a different guy every week or something,’ Remus concluded, causing Sirius to laugh harder. Remus smiled through his embarrassment, aware he had just been caught fantasising about the man sat next to him.

‘Are you flirting with me, Mr Lupin?’ Sirius asked once he had his breath back. 

Remus knew he shouldn’t, not while he was still trying to keep the mania at bay. Sirius was so beautiful and so understanding though. It had been too long since he had met anyone with whom he had felt this connected. As he struggled to calm his thoughts long enough to form a coherent response to that question, Sirius leant in to place a gentle peck on his cheek. Remus shivered at the sensations flooding his body, all his instincts urging him to respond but Sirius pulled away before he could react.

‘Tell you what, let’s rewind a bit yeah? Most people start with the stupid stuff: middle name, favourite food, favourite colour. We could do that?’ Sirius suggested. Remus laughed in surprise.

‘Are those really the kind of things that define a person?’ he asked.

‘I’m just saying that this is going really quickly. I only met you this time last week, and that didn’t end too well. I’ve struggled with relationships since coming out to my birth parents and you’re not exactly in the best place right now either.’

Remus could feel the anger rising. Somewhere deep down inside he knew what Sirius said made sense, but to his scrambled mind it still felt like rejection. Sirius must have seen something in his face because he reached out, ensuring Remus had no choice but to stare directly into those mesmerising grey eyes.

‘I’m not saying no, I’m saying not right now. I want to get to know you, Remus but I need to know you’re in this long-term.’ Suddenly his face brightened as a new thought struck him. ‘Hey! Why don’t you come to Harry’s birthday party? You’ll get to meet James and Lily and they’ll have all these embarrassing stories about me which I’m sure you’d love.’

Remus smiled wide, his anger forgotten. ‘It would be an honour,’ he told Sirius.

‘Great, here’s the address. It’ll start at 11 o’clock on Sunday,’ Sirius said, scribbling something down on a scrap of paper which had previously been used as a shopping list, judging by the writing on the other side. After, they rose and embraced before Sirius got on his bike and Remus headed to the bus stop, excited for the weekend.


	6. Padfoot & Prongs

Saturday had been routine as Remus had tried his hardest to keep his excitement levels down in anticipation of seeing Sirius again. Not that any of it did anything to stop the smile with which he woke on Sunday morning. The Potters live outside the city, in a small town on the estuary. He hopped on a bus and made it there for 10.30, before getting a map of the area up on his phone and making his way to the outskirts on foot, eventually reaching the Potters’ cottage ten minutes before the party’s expected starting time. He rang the doorbell and was pleased to see it was Sirius who answered the door, smiling broadly as he recognised Remus. 

‘Hey,’ Remus greeted him, smiling too. 

‘You’re just in time for introductions before the chaos begins,’ Sirius told him, ushering him in. A young woman around their age wearing lavender-coloured summer dress with her auburn hair tied in a messy bun around her head came out of the kitchen to meet them.

‘Hi, you must be Remus,’ she greeted him warmly. ‘I’m Lily, the terrible sister-in-law he’s probably warned you about.’

Sirius spluttered in mock outrage before blushing as Remus and Lily laughed at his theatrics. 

‘It’s all been good, I promise,’ Remus reassured her. 

Lily smiled. ‘The boys are in the garden, supposedly setting up the games, but I’m sure I heard a cricket ball smash into one of the plant pots,’ she informed them with an eye-roll. Sirius grabbed Remus by the hand and led him into the garden.

‘Oi, Potters!’ he called, grabbing the attention of the birthday boy and his father, who were indeed playing cricket- Harry stood proud with a bat that looked brand new as James came in to bowl.

‘Harry, James, this is my friend Remus,’ Sirius introduced him. ‘Remus, this is my brother James, and Harry, the man of the hour.’ Harry grinned, showing all his teeth. Remus handed over the chocolate he had bought on the back of Sirius’ off-hand suggestion when he asked if he should buy a present. Harry grabbed it eagerly, only remembering to say thank you after a gentle nudge from his father.

‘With James being a fitness fanatic and Lily a doctor, the poor boy is usually starved of the good things in life. I thought he deserved to be spoiled on his birthday,’ Sirius explained.

‘Stop lying, Sirius! I know you feed him all sorts of rubbish when we’re not looking,’ James teased.

‘Godfather privilege?’ Sirius ventured.

James huffed in mock-annoyance and a level of awkwardness fell around the group before Remus decided to talk to Harry.

‘Is that a new bat?’ he asked.

‘Yeah, Uncle Pads got it for me,’ Harry told him proudly.

‘Uncle Pads?’ Remus asked, amused.

‘That’d be me,’ Sirius informed him gruffly. ‘Short for Padfoot, an old school nickname. Don’t ask,’ he warned Remus, who was sorely tempted to anyway but was distracted by the sound of excited chatter coming from the house. It seemed the party had begun.

At first, things went well. Remus either got involved in the running of the party games or chatted with Lily when Sirius wasn’t around. He stayed clear of James, sensing that Sirius’ brother was not overly impressed with him. Then, just as the last of the cake was being finished off, he heard his phone ring. He decided to walk back inside the cottage so as not to disturb the main event.

‘Hi Dora, listen, this isn’t really a good time, could I call you back?’

‘Remus, please, this is important. I need to see you, the sooner the better.’ He had to admit she sounded pretty desperate. 

‘I’m at a party right now, maybe I could pop in on my way back?’ he suggested, unsure what sort of help she expected from him.

‘What time do you reckon that’ll be?’ she asked, her voice quavering as if she were on the verge of tears.

‘The party finishes at three, so maybe a little after four?’ he estimated. He heard her take a shuddering breath before she agreed and hung up. He went back out to enjoy the rest of the party.

As three o’clock came around he made his excuses, apologising for not sticking around to help with the clear-up. Lily told him he was welcome back any time, which made him feel warm inside. Sirius showed him to the door.

‘Was it all a little overwhelming? I get that. I love them but after a few hours I need my space,’ Sirius told him, worried Remus’ hasty retreat was somehow his fault.

‘No, they’re great, really. I just got a call from a friend earlier and she sounded pretty upset. I said I’d pop in to see her,’ he explained. He didn’t feel there was any need to go into detail about the nature of their relationship, not while he and Sirius were still trying to figure out where they stood. 

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Okay, well, for what it’s worth, I’m glad you came and I’m sorry about James. He’s just a little overprotective you know?’

‘It’s okay, Padfoot,’ Remus assured him, a wry smile on his face.

Sirius laughed at the use of his old nickname. ‘Living at home, I got used to sneaking around quietly so as not to get caught. Prongs- that’s James- discovered this ability early on in our school careers when we would go down to the kitchen after hours, so took to calling me Padfoot.’

Remus could feel the smile growing across his face. ‘And Prongs?’

‘Oh, his Dad made a fortune selling hair products and James once spent a month trying to style his uncontrollable hair into spikes in the forlorn hope it would impress Lily,’ Sirius told him breezily.

‘Did it work?’ Remus asked with a chuckle.

‘No, that was at the beginning of Sixth Form, he had to wait almost two years after that!’ Sirius informed him, smiling wide as he did so. ‘You cannot imagine the pining I had to suffer through.’

Once they had stopped laughing, Remus seemed to remember he had somewhere else to be. ‘Right, I’d better go. Thanks again for inviting me. Harry’s brilliant, I can see why you’re so besotted,’ he said, smile still firmly in place.

Sirius grinned back, bending down to give Remus a brief peck on the lips before pulling away quickly and retreating back inside the cottage. Remus walked back to the bus stop in a happy daze.

‘So, what did you think?’ Sirius asked his family once they were all huddled up on the sofa after the clean-up. Harry had crashed, exhausted from all the day’s excitement and James had taken him up to bed before coming back down to the lounge.

‘He was nice, great with the kids,’ Lily replied. James said nothing.

‘Prongs?’ Sirius prompted, desperate for his brother’s approval.

James sighed. ‘He seemed alright, but he scared you, Pads! I just, it’ll take time for me to forgive that. After everything that you went through with your parents, all the effort you’ve put into moving on, why would you fall for someone who you know straight off has that capacity to hurt you?’

‘You know he didn’t mean it,’ Sirius argued.

‘You didn’t even know that when it happened,’ James countered.

‘James,’ Lily interrupted with a warning in her voice. 

James sighed, running a hand through his untameable hair in frustration. ‘Just take it slow Pads, please.’

‘We are. I told him that I’m not going to be pursuing anything with him until he’s fully recovered.’

That’s sensible, isn’t it, James?’ Lily pointedly questioned her husband. 

‘I suppose,’ James conceded.

‘I should probably get going, leave you guys in peace. Are you dropping Harry off or am I coming here tomorrow?’ Sirius asked as he got up from the sofa.

‘I’ll drop him off on my way in,’ Lily told him. 

‘Great, I’ll see you then,’ he confirmed as he kissed them both goodbye. ‘Give a big kiss to Harry for me when he wakes up.’

Once Sirius had made his way back home, he shot off a quick text to Remus, making sure he got safely to his friend’s. No reply came.


	7. Relapse

At first, he was not too concerned. From the sound of things this friend had been in a real state so it was reasonable to assume he was a little preoccupied. Then evening turned to night and still he had no news. Sighing, he resigned himself to going to bed without an update. Maybe Remus forgot, he reasoned.

On Monday morning, the first thing he did upon waking was to send another text saying he hoped Remus was well-rested. He got no response. 

By Tuesday, Sirius was regularly finding that his mind was wandering from whatever task he was engaged in to imagine all sorts of horrible fates befalling Remus. There was also the guilt. Maybe the kiss had been too much, maybe Remus had been confused by the mixed signals and decided he needed a bit more space. It suddenly dawned on Sirius that Remus had never explicitly said he was into men. Sure, he’d initiated the flirting, but Sirius was well aware that flirtation did not necessarily lead anywhere. Back when he was still living with his parents, he would flirt with the girls at Hogwarts in order to keep his snitch of a little brother from discovering anything worth reporting back to Walburga and Orion, despite having no interest in them whatsoever. Sirius felt ashamed of his presumptuous behaviour. He should have given Remus the time and space to disclose his sexuality to him before assuming they were destined to be together on the back of a few flattering comments, especially ones coming from a man who had openly declared he was fighting back mania. 

On Wednesday, he woke up in excruciating pain. His insides felt all twisted and pulled in different directions. He feared that if he tried to move, he would throw up. With James not playing for another week, it wasn’t as if Harry would miss him if he were to spend the day in bed, he reasoned. He considered calling Lily but decided against it on the grounds that it was her second day as a General Practice F2 and he didn’t want to get in the way of her making a good impression. He knew he should make the effort to get up and get on with his day, maybe go out for a ride in order to get some fresh air, but he just did not have the energy. 

Thursday was worse. McGonagall kept telling him to make an effort to meet new people, but if this was where it led then he wanted no more part in it. He had tried, he even thought he had managed to connect with someone other than a Potter, but he had been wrong. Remus hadn’t wanted him and was now avoiding him. His parents had been right all along: he was unlovable, an abomination. He existed merely as a burden on his best friend’s family. He was saved from drifting further into melancholy by the doorbell ringing. Grudgingly, he moved from the bed, putting on a dressing gown before going to answer the door. On the other side he was greeted by Harry’s broad, toothy grin and James’ own, more cautious smile.

‘We hadn’t heard from you for over a day, Harry missed you,’ James told him. 

‘I wasn’t feeling well,’ Sirius explained.

‘Does Uncle Pads want a hug?’ Harry asked his father.

James laughed. ‘You know what? I think he does.’ At that, Harry ran up to Sirius and leapt into his arms, winding him on impact.

‘You’re getting heavy in your old age,’ Sirius teased his godson.

‘Not old,’ Harry pouted, bringing a smile to Sirius’ face. ‘Daddy says you’re upset because of Mr. Moony,’ Harry whispered into Sirius’ shoulder.

‘Mr. Moony?’ Sirius asked, confused. He noted that James was no longer laughing.

‘It’s what he called your boyfriend. He said he was a lune-’ Harry paused, struggling with the word.

‘Lunatic?’ Sirius supplied. When Harry nodded in affirmation, Sirius glared at James.

‘That’s enough now, Harry,’ James warned.

‘No, go on Harry. Tell me about this new word,’ Sirius said encouragingly.

Harry smiled. ‘When I asked what it meant Mummy looked at him as if he’d said something bad, but Daddy said it meant someone who was really interested in the moon, like Daddy and me with the cricket, or you and your motorbike.’ 

‘Aren’t you clever to have remembered all that, Harry? I think that deserves a prize. Go on, you know where I keep the chocolate,’ he told the boy, who ran gleefully toward the kitchen.

Only once he was sure Harry was out of earshot did Sirius continue. ‘Nice save, Prongs,’ he noted, his voice dripping with sarcasm. 

‘Look, I shouldn’t have said that-’ James began before Sirius interrupted him.

‘Because you didn’t mean it or because you didn’t want Harry to hear?’ James at least had the decency to look embarrassed. ‘Why am I any different, Prongs? Why did I get accepted when you can’t look past his disease?’

‘I know you. I know what you’ve been through. I know you’d never hurt us,’ James argued.

‘I did loads of stupid, mean things at school. I spent six months driving your parents crazy, getting arrested for possession and all sorts. I’ve hurt people, Prongs. As for what I’ve been through, yeah, it was awful, but so is what happened to him. We’re surviving though. He’s a teacher, for crying out loud! Do you think he’d still have a job if his boss thought he wasn’t safe?’ Sirius spat.

‘But he’s hurt you twice now and you’ve not even known him two weeks. I can’t accept that,’ James confessed.

‘Are you saying that I’m not capable of fending for myself?’ Sirius was livid now.

James raised his hands in surrender. ‘I know you are. I just don’t think he’s worth you relapsing, not when you were doing so well.’

No more was said on the matter as Harry came back out of the kitchen, guiltily licking melted chocolate off his fingers. Sirius laughed despite his frustration before ushering his nephew into the bathroom to get cleaned up. He decided he could put up with patronising brothers and disappearing almost-boyfriends as long as Harry was around to make him smile.


	8. A Change of Direction

Remus got off the bus as it reached Dora’s stop and walked briskly up to her apartment. He rang the bell and did not have to wait long before he heard her running down the stairs to open the door. The face that greeted him looked a mess, her eyes all red and puffy, and her skin grey and blotchy. She dragged him in by his sleeve and shut the door hurriedly behind him. He followed her up the stairs in silence. Once the door to her apartment was shut behind them, she finally turned around to face him.

‘I’m pregnant,’ she announced before bursting into tears once more. She collapsed into him, and though he wanted nothing more than to pull away and run as far as he could, he wrapped his arms around her.

‘I presume it’s mine?’ he asked automatically. He felt her nod rapidly against his chest. His breath caught in his throat. He manoeuvred them over to her purple couch, feeling it would probably be for the best.

‘What are you going to do?’ he asked her, hoping fervently that she would choose to put her career first.

‘I want to keep it,’ she told him, looking into his eyes for the first time.

‘Dora,’ he sighed. ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’

‘No,’ she admitted. He reached for her hand.

‘Listen: you’re only twenty years old, you’ve just taken the next step on the path to your dream job, why throw it all away? Why not wait until you’ve found yourself a decent man you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with? I’m not the most reliable guy, Dora,’ he confessed.

‘I’m not asking you to marry me, Remus!’ she hissed. 

He felt an inappropriate desire to laugh, but managed to repress it. Instead, he realised he would have to tell her the truth.

‘Dora, there’s something I need to tell you,’ he began. ‘I have bipolar type one. When we met, I was on the verge of a manic episode and refusing to accept it. I came around just in time and have been spending the last couple of weeks doing all I can to try and minimise the risk of a full-blown attack. So you see it’s not a question of marriage, there will be periods when I won’t be so lucky and then I simply won’t be around to help you look after this child, not in any meaningful sense,’ he explained.

Dora stared at him, mute and unblinking. He continued.

‘Not only that, but there is some evidence that the disease can be passed on genetically, do you really want to risk doing this to our child?’

Dora smiled at him. ‘You called it “ours,”’ she whispered. Remus felt like kicking himself.

‘Has there been a history of bipolar in your family?’ she asked him.

‘No,’ he admitted. ‘I was sexually abused when I was four; my psychiatrist believes that’s what triggered it.’

Dora looked at him with eyes full of pity. ‘So what you’re saying is that even if you pass on the relevant genes, they might grow up completely healthy as long as nothing bad happens to them?’

‘In theory, but I’m proof that you can’t prevent the bad things. My parents loved me, but they turned away for a second and he took his chance,’ he told her, referring to his abuser.

‘I think it’s worth the risk,’ she decided. ‘Look at you: you’re achieving your dreams despite your condition, aren’t you? And if the worst does happen, who better to understand what they’re going through?’

‘Not if I’m in the middle of an episode myself,’ he argued. 

‘What do you do when it happens?’ She asked him, and he was glad that she seemed to finally be taking him seriously.

‘If it’s still manageable when I realise, because sometimes with the manic episodes I just don’t until it’s too late, then I go and see my psychiatrist before asking my Da to come and stay. Kingsley often comes to check on me too, having been there since the early days when I was first diagnosed as a student. If things are really bad, then I could end up in hospital for months,’ he told her honestly.

‘Alright, so we’ll need a support network. Kingsley’s obviously aware so he’ll be a good ally at work, you have your Da. My parents are still around and I know they’ll be supportive. We can make this work, Remus,’ she argued.

‘Are you sure? I’m not convinced they’ll be too thrilled to hear their twenty-year-old daughter got knocked up by a head-case,’ he retorted.

‘They might be a little concerned at first, but I’m sure they’ll come round. I’ll just have to keep telling them you’re a teacher; they’ll be impressed by that. We don’t have to move in together or anything, you can be involved as little or as much as you want. I just thought you had a right to know,’ Dora explained.

‘Kingsley’s going to kill me,’ Remus muttered under his breath.

‘Nah, Kingsley’s a sweetheart, he’ll forgive you,’ Dora assured him. Remus wasn’t entirely convinced.

‘Listen. If you’ve really made your mind up, I’ll support you the best way I can. I don’t think we should move in together because I don’t want you worrying about me right now, and I definitely think you should have full custody. I’ll send you as much money as I can afford and as long as I’m healthy, I’ll spend as much time as I’m allowed with the two of you,’ he proposed.

‘You’ll always be welcome,’ she told him sincerely.

Remus nodded in acknowledgement. ‘Right, Dora, I’m really sorry but I have to go. I’m on a pretty strict timetable at the moment, it’s all part of trying to get back to normal, and Da was reluctant to let me go to this party until I said it was daytime. He’ll be wondering where I’ve got to,’ he explained. 

‘Alright. I’ll let you know when all the appointments are, yeah?’ she looked at him hopefully.

‘Yeah,’ he agreed before seeing himself out.

He did not go straight home. Instead, he headed to the nearest pub, which happened to be the one in which they first met. He ordered a whisky and began drinking. There were a few reasons why this was a bad idea. Firstly, he was likely to bump into Kingsley, who would not be best pleased. Secondly, this was in no way part of the recovery plan. 

He lost track of time, only becoming aware of anything beside the alcohol when Kingsley called out his name. He greeted his friend with an unenthusiastic grunt, but Kingsley continued his approach undeterred.

‘What are you doing here, Remus? Lyall called me, said you were expected back hours ago,’ Kingsley informed him.

‘Trying to drown myself in alcohol,’ Remus told him as if he were pointing out the obvious.

‘Why? What happened?’ Kingsley asked, deciding to ignore his friend’s sarcastic tone.

‘I’m going to become a father,’ Remus announced as if this was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to someone.

‘You’re what? Are you delusional, Remus?’ Kingsley hissed, coming closer.

Remus shook his head. ‘No, Dora just told me she was having my baby.’ 

Outwardly, Kingsley remained calm. He coaxed Remus away from the bar and paid his tab before driving him back to his flat and handing him over to an obviously anxious Lyall.

‘Looks like you might want to call McGonagall first thing tomorrow. I think he’s crashed,’ Kingsley told his friend’s father before turning back to his car and driving away.


	9. New Friends

Remus was not sat in the waiting area when Sirius went in for his appointment with McGonagall. This was disappointing, but Sirius reasoned that he could be running late. Today was not going to be a good day, he knew that. He would have to tell her how he had relapsed over the course of the week. He would also have to tell her why. Avoiding discussion concerning his own state of mind, he tried to get Professor McGonagall to tell him what she knew about Remus’ whereabouts.

‘Sirius, you know that is confidential information,’ she warned him. ‘Now, we are here to talk about you. How have you found this last week?’

Sirius sighed, momentarily accepting defeat. ‘Well, to be honest it’s not been great,’ he admitted, going on to detail his various symptoms to her.

‘Do you have any idea what might have caused this setback?’ McGonagall asked, obviously perturbed.

‘Remus, or his absence,’ Sirius told her candidly. ‘You see, I took your advice and made the effort to get to know him because he appeared friendly. After a slight hiccup early on, things progressed rather well and I invited him to Harry’s birthday party. He seemed to enjoy himself but then he left as soon as it was over claiming he had to see a friend and I haven’t heard from him since. I just, I’m worried about him and maybe part of me feels like I’ve been rejected again.’

‘Why does Mr. Lupin’s silence make you feel like you’ve been rejected? Not all friendships are going to be as intensely involved as the one you share with Mr. Potter, especially not early on,’ McGonagall reasoned.

Sirius looked away. ‘I think maybe I scared him off. I thought he was flirting with me when we first met, and I told him I’m into men. I suggested we could slowly try to figure out a way to be together and I kissed him, briefly, as he left on Sunday. Thinking back on our conversations though, at no point do I remember him saying he was interested,’ he confessed, blushing.

‘Sirius,’ McGonagall half-sighed. ‘I met with Mr. Lupin earlier in the week, so rest assured nothing untoward has befallen him. Nor do I honestly believe that he harbours any ill-will towards you. He has a lot on his plate right now, that’s all. I am sure that once things settle down he will explain himself to you. In the meantime, I would suggest you keep trying to make new acquaintances, preferably female so as to avoid this scenario repeating itself. I will also be upping your prescription for the time being which should hopefully calm your symptoms down again. Try to get back into your old routines, they will make you feel better,’ she advised. 

‘You think I fall for any man who shows me the least bit of attention?’ Sirius scoffed, annoyed at the insinuation.

McGonagall remained calm as she formulated her response. ‘I believe you have a tendency to see relationships in binary terms. On one side, you have the Potters, who you see as family and with whom you are particularly close. On the other, you have potential threats, which basically include everybody else. You say Mr Lupin was flirting with you and you did not reject him out of hand. Instead, you invited him into your family, forgiving him an earlier miss-step. Now I know he can be charming when he’s of a mind to be, but what made you decide he was worth the effort when no-one else had been before?’

‘His name,’ Sirius stated simply. ‘Do you know what they call Sirius where my ancestors come from?’

‘You are referring to the star system?’ McGonagall asked, looking at him over the top of her glasses.

‘Yes. Here, it is known as the Dog Star, but back in China they refer to it as the Celestial Wolf,’ he told her with a wry smile. ‘Maybe we’re just two lost and lonely little wolves in search of a pack of our own.’

‘I thought the Potters were your pack.’

‘Yet you keep telling me they’re not enough, that I need to branch out,’ Sirius noted.

‘I still believe that to be the case, but I never told you to create another family for yourself. The Potters are your family; I was trying to get you to make friends,’ McGonagall argued. ‘This is what I’m saying, Sirius. Good or bad your relationships are intensely lived.’

‘What’s wrong with that? Surely it is better than not feeling at all?’

‘It is a form of progress, yes,’ McGonagall admitted. ‘However, there are people like our mutual acquaintance Mr. Lupin for whom feeling too much is just as bad. Baby-steps, Sirius: find people you can trust such as the parents of Harry’s friends and invite them for tea. Get to know them, let them know you. Learn to formulate platonic relationships. Maybe in a few months’ time we can revisit your desire for something more intimate,’ she suggested.

James was pleased to hear that McGonagall had counselled Sirius against pursuing anything further with Remus for the time being, which caused Sirius to storm off in a fit of anger but he apologised the next day, unable to stay mad at his brother. James too apologised for being insensitive, though Sirius suspected that Lily had forced his hand.

As the new week began, Sirius set about taking McGonagall’s advice. He didn’t like it, but with Remus seemingly too busy to even send him a text reassuring him of his continued existence it wasn’t like he had much choice. He got back into his wushu and the daily meditation. He spent his evenings going on short trips with the bike. Before he could lose his nerve, he asked Harry which of his friends he would like to have round one afternoon. Eventually, Harry settled on Ron and Neville. Ron was the youngest son of a large family which had lived in the area for generations and Neville was the only child of a young couple a little older than Lily and James, both of whom worked for the police. 

‘Thank you for inviting us over Sirius, you have no idea how nice it is to occasionally get a break from all the mayhem at home,’ Molly gushed as she arrived at the Potters’ cottage with an excitable Ron in tow.

Alice and Neville arrived soon after and Sirius set about making tea and handing out cake while the kids played in the garden. It turned out that Alice had met Molly’s husband Arthur through work, as he was a civil servant working for the Home Office and as such had had numerous dealings with the police. 

Sirius did find he enjoyed their company, despite Molly’s slightly overbearing motherly nature. Alice was more to his liking, her dry sense of humour reminding him of Remus. Still, he grew tired after a couple of hours and was grateful when he and Harry were left alone once more. On the whole, he considered the experiment to have been a success. He doubted that he and Molly Weasley would ever be more than pleasant acquaintances, but he would be able to report back to McGonagall that he had made the effort to get to know some of the other parents and that one of them at least could become a friend.


	10. Confessions & Introductions

Remus was exhausted. Where he had recently been full of energy on four hours’ sleep a night, now he resented his father coming to wake him up after ten hours’ sleep, insisting he get up and face the day. The guilt he felt at essentially ruining Dora’s life only made it worse. Of course, McGonagall had asked him what had triggered him to fall so spectacularly, wondering whether her prescription had been too strong. Eventually, he had confessed the whole sorry tale, how in his mania he had seduced a girl who was much too young and had now ruined three lives.

McGonagall was unwilling to change his prescription so soon, seeing as the guideline observation period for depressive episodes was two weeks and he was already on valproate. She was hoping that this was nothing more than a bad day, an unfortunate conjunction of the come-down from mania and the shock of the pregnancy. After all, it was rare for Remus to experience such rapid cycling since they had managed to get his moods stabilised six years ago. If his symptoms did not improve within the fortnight however, she told him she would add quetiapine to his drugs regimen.

Two weeks passed and despite Lyall’s best efforts, the situation did not improve. He found no pleasure in playing the piano or reading, finding he would often lose concentration. On the walks that Lyall insisted they take each day despite Remus’ protests, he moved slowly, each step requiring a huge mental effort on his part. Kingsley’s visits only added to his sense of shame and self-loathing as he was reminded of the state in which his friend had found him, and its cause. Kingsley reassured him it was no bother, but Remus could not shake the feeling that he was a burden to his friend. Worse was the visit to the sexual health clinic, as advised by McGonagall. Thankfully the results came back negative, but the thought of one of his students recognising him almost had him refusing to go. 

McGonagall gave in and changed his prescription in order to counteract the depression. With the new term only a couple of weeks away, they discussed whether he wanted to ask for time off in order to recover, and when he refused, developed coping strategies for handling the stress of those first few weeks. Near the end of the month, he felt well enough to call Sirius and explain his absence, having prepared himself to accept that this would probably be the last contact they would share.

Sirius picked up on the second ring, answering with a wary ‘Hello?’

Swallowing his nerves, Remus replied in kind.

‘Where have you been this last month, Remus? I thought I’d scared you off,’ Sirius began before Remus could explain anything. 

‘What? Why would you think that?’ Remus asked, momentarily distracted.

‘Well, I kissed you and then you disappeared for a month and I started thinking maybe I’d misread and you weren’t into guys,’ Sirius explained hurriedly.

‘Oh, Sirius! I’m so sorry. I’m pan and you’re the sexiest person I’ve ever met, but I messed up and you deserve better,’ Remus told him, his voice cracking as he fought back the tears.

‘What’s going on, Remus? You’re starting to scare me. Is anyone with you right now?’ Sirius really did sound worried, which only made the guilt worse.

‘My father’s here,’ he assured Sirius. ‘I slept with someone else,’ Remus confessed, his voice so quiet and small that Sirius could almost convince himself he had misheard.

‘The friend you left the party for?’ Sirius guessed.

‘Yeah, her name’s Dora,’ Remus confirmed.

‘Why? I thought we agreed on taking it slow? And I kissed you!’ Sirius was angry now. Remus flinched at the tone of his voice.

‘And it was amazing, but Dora was before I met you,’ Remus tried to explain.

‘What are you saying? All this time you were in love with her and she’s finally decided to give you a chance so it’s “goodbye Sirius”?’

‘No! What I meant was that I slept with her before I ever knew you existed,’ Remus tried to clarify.

‘Alright, you’re a grown man; you’re allowed to have a sexual history. And the fact you’re friends with your ex, it’s kind of nice, it shows loyalty. So what’s the problem? Did she give you an STI? Most of them can be cleared up with the right antibiotics, and the others, well, we can work around it when we get to that stage,’ Sirius told him.

‘She’s pregnant,’ Remus stated, unable to hold it in any longer in the face of Sirius’ concern.

Sirius said nothing for so long that Remus was sure he had hung up. Just as he was about to do the same, he heard Sirius sigh.

‘You’re such an idiot. You should have told me sooner, save us both all this stress,’ Sirius berated him, though there was a hint of affection to his tone.

‘You’re not disappointed in me?’ Remus asked his voice filled with awe.

‘I’m disappointed you felt you couldn’t come straight out and tell me, but no, I can’t be disappointed about something which happened before you met me, can I?’

Remus could not fight the tears any longer as his body was wracked with sobs.

‘Are you crying? Please don’t cry. Can I come over?’ Sirius asked, panic evident in his voice.

‘Why would you want to?’ Remus asked in genuine disbelief.

‘Because I missed you and you sound like you need a hug right now,’ Sirius said as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

Still unsure what he had done to deserve the man on the other end of the line, Remus told him his address and Sirius promised he would be there within fifteen minutes. The doorbell rang not much more than ten minutes later and Remus surprised Lyall by volunteering to answer the door, moving towards it with more energy than he had had in weeks.

Sirius said nothing, merely wrapping his arms around the other man as the tears began to fall once again.

‘Come on, let’s go take this somewhere more private shall we?’ Sirius suggested before pressing a kiss to the top of Remus’ head. Remus nodded before leading the way up and through the flat to his bedroom, where the two of them curled up together until the last of Remus’ sobs died down and they both fell into an exhausted sleep.

They were startled awake an hour and a half later by a sharp cough coming from the direction of the bedroom door. Sirius saw a vision of what Remus might look like as he hit middle age, the same pale green eyes looking down at them in amused affection.

‘I made enough lunch for three if you want to stay and introduce yourself,’ Lyall offered. 

Sirius could feel himself begin to blush, but Remus squeezed his hand in reassurance and Sirius knew he would be able to put up with any and all forms of embarrassment for the sake of the man beside him.

‘Hello Mr. Lupin, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Sirius Black,’ he announced, getting up to shake hands with the older man.


	11. A New Start

Not everything was settled, not straight away. Remus’ depression did not resolve itself overnight simply because Sirius was back in his life. Sirius struggled to find the best way to tell Remus that if they were really going to make a go of things, he needed Remus to be more open and honest with him, needed Remus to understand that he was ill too and that his disease made him see Remus’ disappearing act as a sign of his own unworthiness. 

So Sirius was conflicted when Remus’ response was to suggest he be introduced to Dora. Although he delighted in the implication that Remus wanted him to stick around and be part of his child’s life, he was worried by the thought of meeting someone on the basis of being Remus’ partner. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of Remus, per se, but he was uncomfortable with the declaration of his sexuality being his first act of introduction, which, merely by being Remus’ boyfriend, it would necessarily be.

He need not have worried. Dora was warm and friendly and totally accepting. Quickly, the conversation moved on to shared interests and Sirius and Dora made a pact that if the Weird Sisters ever came within striking distance of Bristol, they would go to the gig together. Furthermore, they found that they had a mutual friend in Alice Longbottom and by the end of the meeting Sirius was suggesting that Dora should meet Lily, as someone who had been through a similar experience and might therefore be a more sympathetic ear. In return, Dora told him that he would be welcome to attend her antenatal appointments if he so wished. Sirius walked away glowing with happiness at Dora’s easy acceptance, certain in the belief that the three of them and the baby could make a go of things as a family.

The next day was the first of September, and though the students would not start again until the following week, Remus had to be back at school for a couple of training days. Although these were filled with administrative duties and presentations about the changes that the government had brought in over the summer, Remus did not complain as it meant he could ease back into the world of work and get himself into the right frame of mind to face the chaos that would come once the children returned. What he was not looking forward to was being under the scrutiny of one Albus Dumbledore.

‘Remus!’ the head teacher greeted him enthusiastically. He had obviously been somewhere warm over the holidays, as attested to by his natural-looking tan. ‘I hope you have had a restful summer?’

Remus detected no malice in the question, though he was slightly at a loss as to how he should answer it. He had made an effort to hide how exhausted he was but he was sure it was written all over his face.

‘My father came to stay,’ he deflected.

Dumbledore beamed. ‘Family is so important, isn’t it? Sadly, it’s just me and my brother left, and we don’t really see eye-to-eye so I decided on a trip to Crete instead. Did you know it was home to Europe’s first advanced society? Fascinating place,’ he said in a tone of voice which made Remus suspect his heart was still there, exploring such wonders as the ancient Palace of Knossos.

Soon, Dumbledore moved on and Remus was able to grab a cup of coffee before the presentations began. He was displeased to find himself sat next to Severus Snape, a chemistry teacher who, like him, had started the previous year. Snape made him uncomfortable: he rarely socialised with the staff yet his dark brown eyes would often stare in such a way as to give the impression he was seeking to uncover Remus’ deepest secrets. Remus was certain that Snape would not approve of either his sexuality or the state of his mental health. 

‘Dumbledore seems quite fond of you,’ Snape began, leaving his statement as bait.

‘Just looking out for the younger members of staff, I guess,’ Remus replied, attempting a casual tone.

Snape looked at him as if Remus were the most stupid creature he’d ever met. ‘You know he’s gay, right?’

Remus bristled. He’d suspected, but it hadn’t been his place to pry. ‘So?’

‘It’s just odd, how close you two seem to be when he’s barely spoken two words to me outside of school matters and yet we’re in the same department,’ Snape pointed out.

Although Dumbledore only taught a couple of sixth form classes nowadays, he had trained and spent most of his career as a physics teacher.

‘There’s nothing going on between myself and Dumbledore, I’m in a perfectly happy relationship with someone my own age,’ Remus told him, hoping to bring the conversation to a close.

Snape looked at him closely, as if he were on the edge of discovering something new about him. Remus wasn’t sure how he felt about Snape possibly figuring out his sexuality, but he did not have long to dwell on the matter as Dumbledore began his welcome back speech.

Afterwards, they split off for departmental meetings and Remus’ focus switched to discussing his plans for the year’s religious studies curriculum with the head of humanities, a middle-aged history teacher by the name of Charity Burbage. The afternoon was given over to learning about the new student intake and setting up classroom displays. The previous year, Remus had not had a classroom of his own and as such had only been given responsibility for decorating the humanities corridor. Now though, he had been given a year 12 class to look after and as such, now had a room of his own to decorate. He split the décor, most of it being informative posters about the major world religions and a few philosophical quotes he was fond of, but keeping one wall free for his tutees. 

Friday was sixth form enrolment day and he started the day meeting with Filius Flitwick, English teacher and head of sixth form, as well as the thirteen other sixth form tutors before eager students came to him, seeking to study his subject at A-Level. The first time he would meet his tutor group would be on Monday. 

On Thursday, Lyall drove him home and Remus went straight to bed. Lyall woke him for dinner and they spent the evening discussing Lyall’s latest contribution to the ‘Gazette’. Lyall had been a lawyer before Remus’ kidnapping but with Greyback’s acquittal and the legal authorities’ subsequent failure to prosecute him for the crimes he committed against Remus, Lyall had become disillusioned with the practice of law and decided to turn to legal journalism, where he could vent his frustrations openly. It also meant he could work from home and thus be available for Remus when needed. 

On Friday, he was surprised to find someone other than his father waiting for him outside the school gates. 

‘Harry?’ what are you doing here? Is Sirius with you?’ he asked the smiling five year old as he spotted him. Looking up towards the car park, he saw Sirius walk away from his car towards them.

‘Don’t worry Moony, he’s coming!’ Harry told him excitedly, before erupting into a fit of giggles.

‘Moony?’ Remus asked him, puzzled at the new nickname.

‘It’s your nickname, like Padfoot,’ Harry informed him as if this was the most obvious thing in the world.

‘What’s like Padfoot?’ Sirius asked as he approached them.

‘Moony was asking about his nickname,’ Harry explained. Remus did not fail to notice the frown on Sirius’ beautiful face.

‘I think you should ask Remus if he wants a nickname, some people don’t,’ Sirius explained to his godson.

Remus shrugged. He had no idea why Harry had decided on Moony of all things, but it wasn’t the worst thing he’d ever been called. However, it obviously upset Sirius for some reason so he resolved to ask him about it when Harry was out of the way.

Sirius drove them back to his own flat and Harry ran straight to the bedroom Sirius had set up for him. Finally alone, he wrapped Remus in a warm hug before kissing his temple.

Pulling away, Remus asked him ‘so why don’t you like Moony?’

Sirius sighed. ‘Harry overheard James call you a lunatic, James saved it by saying a lunatic was someone who enjoyed looking at the moon, so you became Mr. Moony.’

Remus emitted a short, sharp laugh. ‘You know he’s not wrong, don’t you?’

‘Who, Harry?’ Sirius asked, confused.

‘No, James,’ Remus clarified. Sirius looked like he might protest, so Remus held his hand up to stop him.

‘I know it’s outdated and considered offensive, and I won’t say James didn’t know what he was doing. However, do you know where the term comes from?’ Remus looked at him quizzically.

Sirius shook his head. 

‘Aristotle believed that people with bipolar disorder had their episodes in relation to the phases of the moon. Obviously, he didn’t have it quite right, but one in five bipolar patients will be triggered by a change in the seasons. You remember I told you that McGonagall thought that might have been what made me pre-manic?’ Remus asked him.

‘Yeah, I remember,’ Sirius confirmed.

‘So I don’t mind, really,’ Remus assured him. ‘After all, I am a philosophy graduate, having a nickname courtesy of Aristotle’s pretty cool if you ask me.’

‘You know this means you’re family now, right?’ Sirius asked him. He found he was suddenly nervous that it was too much too soon.

‘Not sure what James will think of that,’ Remus teased.

‘James will get over it,’ Sirius replied, an edge to his voice.

‘That’s good, I’m not sure what Dora will do if I tell her I’ve had to break up with her music buddy,’ Remus joked.

Sirius laughed.


	12. Of Names and Sex

On McGonagall’s advice, Remus let his tutor group know of his condition. The response had been generally positive and he did not know whether to be proud or embarrassed that the majority of his students now seemed to be looking after him almost as much as he did them, regularly checking up on his mood as they came in in the morning and adjusting their behaviour accordingly. 

During those early weeks, he was often fatigued and irritable, and generally not easy to be around. He was amazed therefore, to find that Sirius was standing by him. When he expressed his sense of guilt at not being the boyfriend Sirius deserved, Sirius would invariably remind him that before they met, he was too scared to make friends in case they found out about his homosexuality and now here he was, openly involved with another man and with more friends than he had had in ten years. 

It was Sirius who came to fetch him for Dora’s antenatal appointments and who held his hand as they discovered the results of prenatal tests. It was Sirius and Dora who celebrated, wide grins on their faces, every time the tests showed up nothing of concern, while Remus smiled weakly, already anticipating the next hurdle. 

So Sirius was frustrated to find he was starting to panic as Remus and Dora held hands, overwhelmed by the first sight of their baby. It was not jealousy: Dora had done all she could to reassure him that she had no outstanding interest in Remus and to make sure he felt included in everything to do with the baby. Instead, the image of their baby up there on the screen made him aware, perhaps for the first time, that Remus was a sexual being. 

Remus had never pressured him into going further than Sirius was prepared for, letting him dictate the pace of their intimate relationship and as a result, Sirius had been able to ignore that most relationships involved a sexual component. Seeing the product of Remus’ sexual nature for the first time, he was reminded that Remus had sexual desires he was willing to act upon, and Sirius was unsure how he felt about that. It was not that he did not find Remus sexually attractive, but he had been denying that part of himself for so long out of shame that the thought of the steps involved in developing a sexual relationship with Remus, with anyone, was overwhelming.

He closed his eyes and started counting under his breath, not wanting his inappropriately-timed crisis to wreck this moment for Dora and Remus. With Remus still struggling with feelings of shame brought on by his depression, it would have been unkind of Sirius to ruin this day for him. So instead he teased Dora on finding out her true first name, using his public school Greek to figure out she was essentially called ‘Gift of the Nymphs’. Rising to the bait, she retorted that ‘Star Boy’ and ‘Raised by Wolves’ were hardly better. Remus cut in to suggest that when they got around to naming the baby, they should stick to the top 100 list. Dora and Sirius agreed, Dora shivering at the still fresh memory of schoolyard taunts. 

This got them to jokingly start discussing what the child would call them, before Dora settled for the traditional ‘mummy’ and Remus tried to persuade them that the Welsh ‘dadi’ was any different to the English. It was Dora who asked Sirius whether he wanted to opt for something from his own language and who groaned when he revealed that the Cantonese word for father was ‘bahba’, complaining that he would definitely win the first word contest.

Still, his worries about intimacy persisted. Without really paying attention to what he was doing, he withdrew from Remus. It was only when McGonagall pointed out to him that he appeared to have spent a lot of time by himself in the week leading up to their appointment that he realised. Though she had been wary of their relationship at first, McGonagall was supportive and Sirius found himself revealing all his doubts.

‘Have you told him how you feel?’ McGonagall asked him kindly.

‘I told him I wanted to go slow, back at the beginning,’ he replied.

‘And he respected that?’

Sirius nodded. ‘I feel like I’m letting him down though. I mean, obviously he’s going to expect sex at some point.’

‘Has he ever said anything to make you think that is how he feels?’ McGonagall continued to question him.

‘No, but he slept with Dora after only knowing her a few hours,’ Sirius argued.

‘Would you like to have a sexual relationship?’ McGonagall asked, moving the conversation away from Remus. Sirius guessed it was only fair: after all, Remus was her patient too.

‘I don’t know,’ he hesitated. ‘I guess?’ 

‘Are you intimidated by Mr Lupin’s sexual history?’

It felt odd, hearing Remus referred to so formally. Sirius sighed.

‘You know I haven’t done much in that area, and nothing since I left home,’ he told her.

‘Is that a problem for you?’ she asked, her voice level. ‘Does he know how you associate your homosexuality with rejection?’

‘He knows my parents are shit and that I haven’t had many relationships,’ he confirmed.

‘Sirius, all I can say is you need to talk to him about this. If you decide you’re ready to take that step, let him know you’re inexperienced and a little frightened. If you decide you’re not ready, and you may never be, then discuss it and find out how he feels,’ she advised him. ‘Bottling up your feelings won’t do either of you any good.’

So Sirius gathered up his courage one Saturday evening near the end of September as they cuddled on the sofa.

‘Does it bother you that we’ve been together a month and haven’t, you know,’ he said, internally cursing his lack of eloquence. 

‘Haven’t what?’ Remus asked him, visibly confused.

‘Had sex,’ Sirius mumbled, sure he was blushing.

Remus turned to face him, a concerned look in his eye. ‘Does it bother you?’ 

‘I just- you slept with Dora and you barely knew her and I was worried you might get bored of waiting.’

‘Sirius, the night I spent with Dora I was entering mania. I wasn’t in my right mind. So yes, my sex drive goes up during a manic episode, but it also goes down when I’m depressed. Right now, I’m happy if all you want to do is cuddle because to be perfectly honest, I don’t have the energy for much more,’ Remus explained.

‘What about when you’re feeling better?’ Sirius asked.

‘Would you want to?’ Remus responded.

‘I think I’d like to try,’ Sirius confessed. ‘I should warn you though: I haven’t actually ever gone all the way.’

Remus swore under his breath and held Sirius tighter. ‘Is that because of your parents?’

Sirius nodded, which set Remus off again. Sirius wondered who would come off worse were Remus and Walburga ever to meet. Secretly, he favoured Remus for victory. The thought made him smile.

‘What?’ Remus asked him, confused.

Sirius laughed. ‘I was just imagining you meeting dear old mum and fighting my corner. You look very cute when you’re annoyed.’

Remus glared at him but his expression softened when Sirius placed a quick kiss to his cheek.

‘Whatever happens, whether we have sex in two weeks or two years or never at all, I promise you I won’t let it be what breaks us,’ Remus vowed, his voice low.

Sirius said nothing, merely smiling as he snuggled into Remus’ warmth. It wasn’t long before both of them fell asleep, totally at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where I mention public school education in this chapter, I am using the term in the British sense as meaning the super-posh schools like Eton where all the royal family and most of the UK's most powerful politicians are educated, and not state-run schools. I can't imagine Orion and Walburga willingly leaving their sons to mix with the common people!


	13. Going Swimming(ly)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of past suicide attempts

One decision which took no time at all was the selection of a godparent for the baby. Remus and Dora were both in agreement that Kingsley was the only person for the job. Remus volunteered to be the one to tell him, partly because they had been friends longer, but also because he was in search of some advice.

‘Sirius says he wants to sleep with me,’ Remus told Kingsley as he sat on his friend’s sofa, fiddling with the mug of tea in his hands.

‘This is a problem?’ Kingsley asked with an amused look on his face.

Remus sighed, rubbing his nose in frustration. ‘What if my body disgusts him?’

‘The scars?’ Kingsley guessed. Remus nodded in affirmation.

‘Remus, he knows you. He knows you’re ill, he knows what happened to you and he’s still interested. I doubt a few scratches will put him off now.’ Remus and Kingsley both knew it was a bit more than a few scratches, but Kingsley was trying to reassure him and Remus appreciated the effort.

‘If I say no, he’ll think it’s because I don’t want to, because I’m turned off by his being a virgin. Or maybe he’ll think I’ve got issues with his being a man, because he obviously knows I’ve been with Dora,’ Remus added. Dora had been during mania though, a time where both his confidence and sex drive were unusually high. 

‘Do you want to sleep with the guy?’ Kingsley asked him.

‘At some point,’ Remus confirmed.

‘So why don’t you suggest a trip to the swimming pool or something?’ Kingsley proposed.

Remus choked on his tea. ‘What has that got to do with anything?’ he asked once he got his breath back.

‘Do you two never go on dates?’ Kingsley teased.

It was true they rarely went out on dates, partly due to the fact that Remus had been depressed for the duration of the relationship and therefore lacking in energy, partly because, well, the sight of two men doing couple things out in the open was still rare and Bristol was small enough that Sirius might be recognised and judged.

‘Seriously, just invite him along next time you go swimming. That way, he’ll see what you look like and can make his own mind up before you reach the bedroom,’ his friend explained.

‘What if he doesn’t like it?’ Remus asked, his voice small.

‘Well, then he’s not worthy,’ Kingsley stated matter-of-factly. 

So the second Saturday in October, Remus found himself meeting Sirius at his local leisure centre. Sirius, unaware of Remus’ ulterior motive, greeted him warmly as he walked up. On the days when he felt self-conscious about his scars, Remus would generally opt to change in a private cubicle, covering the scars on his upper body with a towel he would leave by the side of the pool before getting in as swiftly as possible. Today would be different. For Kingsley’s plan to work he would have to get undressed in front of Sirius, and in order for it not to be an overtly sensual experience this would have to happen in a public space. Taking all this into account, Remus was quietly proud he hadn’t called to cancel already.

Sirius couldn’t help himself. Part of him, the part of him still learning to fight the damage caused by his parents and accept himself, was disgusted by his inability to resist looking at the sight of the man beside him. Still, McGonagall’s calm voice inside his head assured him that nothing bad would befall him for looking at Remus or for feeling the stirrings of arousal at the sight. However, what he saw on opening his eyes, and his response to it, were much more complex than he could have anticipated. Though Sirius appreciated Remus’ lean muscles, he was troubled by the blemishes that marred the skin which covered them. Remus’ body was littered with scars, varying in age and size. Sirius bore a few of his own courtesy of his parents’ attentions, but nothing on this scale. 

He was overwhelmed by his emotions: a furious anger aimed at whoever had done this to Remus coupled with a fierce need to protect the man stood beside him, to hold him and tell him that no-one would be able to hurt him like this ever again. In the end, Remus moved away before he could clear his mind and articulate how he was feeling. Sirius followed, determined that once they grew tired of swimming, they would discuss this fully.

Sirius had a pleasant time, diving into the pool and splashing around with Remus before they both settled down to do some lengths. As he swam, he contemplated his plan of action. He had considered simply dragging Remus into one of the changing cubicles and showing Remus that he didn’t care about the scars, but decided that would have been a lie. He did care, because he couldn’t stand the idea of Remus being hurt like that. They needed to talk and it wasn’t going to happen at a public swimming pool. So he had to persuade Remus to come back with him. Usually, this wasn’t too much of a problem, but Remus’ deliberate avoidance of any discussion as they had undressed made Sirius worry he would try to make his excuses and run. 

He made sure to brush up against Remus as they walked towards the showers and smiled reassuringly when the other man turned to face him. To his relief, Remus responded with a cautious smile of his own. 

‘Do you want to come back to mine for lunch?’ Sirius offered, aiming for a casual tone. 

‘I might pass out on your sofa, but lunch sounds good,’ Remus agreed.

Sirius beamed. ‘It’s only fried rice with leftovers, unless you want to get something else on the way home?’

‘I’m happy with leftovers,’ Remus assured him.

Half an hour later they were sat at Sirius’ dining table eating leftover beef with the rice, mushrooms and a green pepper. 

‘So, are you going to tell me how you got those scars?’ Sirius asked when he could bear the silence no longer.

Remus looked down at his bowl, fiddling with his chopsticks. Eventually he looked up, but still refused to meet Sirius’ eye.

‘The oldest ones are Greyback’s doing, the rest are mine,’ Remus confessed. 

‘What do you mean “yours”?’ Sirius asked, his incomprehension clear.

‘Well, some are the result of stupid accidents I’ve had during mania and some are from the times I’ve tried to kill myself,’ Remus stated calmly. 

Sirius let out a sharp breath, obviously collecting his thoughts. Eventually, he spoke up. ‘You invited me swimming, knowing I would see the scars and have questions. Why?’

‘Because I wanted you to know you’re not the only one who’s nervous. I was secretly relieved when you said you weren’t quite ready for sex, because it meant I could put off showing you my scars and seeing you recoil in disgust. Kingsley wouldn’t let me get away with it though, told me to invite you swimming so it would all be out in the open,’ Remus explained.

‘I like Kingsley, you should introduce us sometime,’ Sirius joked. Remus smiled. 

‘Don’t think he’s your type: tall, strong, unerringly calm…’ he teased.

An intense look came over Sirius’ face. ‘Come here, Lupin and take off your shirt,’ he commanded in a voice he thought he’d left behind in Grimmauld Place.

Remus, powerless to resist the voice, did as he was told. Sirius began kissing along the scars that lined Remus’ torso, seemingly unaware of the effect he was having on Remus.

‘Don’t you ever, ever say you’re not strong,’ Sirius told him between kisses. ‘These are battle scars and you are a survivor. When you say the man I love is weak, you’re disrespecting me.’

Remus did not know whether it was Sirius’ continued ministrations or the words but as he came undone he wasn’t sure he cared to analyse it too much. Collapsed in Sirius’ arms, he whispered ‘I love you too.’

Sirius chuckled. ‘Come on, sleepy. How about you get showered and into bed? I’ll clear up the table and get you some pyjamas.’

Remus nodded but stayed hanging on Sirius for a while longer. Once he was clean and in Sirius’ bed, he fell straight to sleep. When he woke an hour later, life definitely looked a little brighter.


	14. Happy Birthday, Sirius!

Somehow, Remus made it through the first half-term. Upon waking on the Sunday before school resumed, he found he was actually looking forward to seeing his students and planning ways to broaden their minds. Furthermore, the thought of Sirius’ birthday and having to face James no longer filled him with dread. Sirius had planned a get-together the following weekend, a gathering of all his friends new and old in order to celebrate his twenty-six years on Earth. The Potters would be there as a matter of course and Sirius had invited a couple of Harry’s friends and their parents, but Dora and Kingsley were also on the guest-list, the latter having been invited almost before Remus had finished introductions. 

Remus could also tell his mood was improving because Sirius’ unwillingness to come out and say what he wanted for his birthday had not led him down into a spiral of guilt. If Sirius’ birthday had occurred a few weeks earlier Remus would certainly have taken the blame upon himself, convinced that any half-decent boyfriend would have been able to choose something without assistance. Instead, he teased Sirius, claiming that if he had no answer by the time of Sirius’ birthday that Thursday his boyfriend would have to make-do with chocolate picked up from the local shop, much like Harry had. Sirius had laughed and snuggled into him, insisting that there was nothing wrong with chocolate.

So Remus returned to work with renewed enthusiasm, a fact which was quickly noted by his students.

‘Good holiday, Sir?’ Lewis asked him before sitting down to the rear of the classroom.

Remus smiled. ‘Yes thank you, Lewis. I woke up yesterday and was actually looking forward to being back here, would you believe?’

Lewis laughed and soon enough the rest of their tutor group filed in, all happy to see that Mr. Lupin seemed to have regained the enthusiasm which he had been known for the previous year. The rest of the week continued in a similar vein, the only sour note being that he still had no idea what to get Sirius for his birthday. He considered asking his class for advice, but knew Sirius would not thank him for discussing their relationship publicly. His go-to gift in this situation was usually a book, but he was pretty sure the only books Sirius read were ones with pictures of motorbikes and he wouldn’t know where to start with that. He could always buy him a scarf for the winter ahead, but that seemed rather impersonal.

In the end, he decided he would invite Sirius round to his and cook him a nice meal. When he rang Sirius to tell him of his plan, Sirius had been very enthusiastic, and his response had somewhat reassured Remus that he was doing things right. Lyall had left the previous week, convinced that Remus was on the mend and that he had enough supportive people around him who would notice if anything were to go wrong. This meant that Remus and Sirius would have the flat to themselves, creating a more romantic atmosphere for the evening. Not that Remus had any ulterior motives, but it would be nice to be just the two of them that evening before the party on Saturday.

When he heard a knock on his door around six-thirty on Thursday evening, he rushed to open it. There, looking as handsome as ever, stood Sirius Black. Remus smiled before rushing to embrace him in a tight hug.

‘Happy Birthday!’ he greeted Sirius before inviting him inside his flat. Sirius sat down on Remus’ well-worn sofa, placing the plastic bag he had been holding down beside him.  
‘Is that your birthday present from the Potters?’ Remus asked.

‘That? Oh no, it’s for you. Or both of us, really. For later, possibly,’ Sirius stumbled over his words, blushing profusely.

Remus studied him curiously. ‘Are you alright, Sirius?’

Sirius nodded vigorously, which did little to put Remus’ mind at ease, but he let the matter drop for the time being, unwilling to start a fight. Instead, he asked how Sirius had spent the day and Sirius responded by giving a detailed account of the misadventures he had had with James that day.

‘We almost got stopped by the police! Can you imagine?’ Sirius grinned boyishly as he remembered a narrow escape on his motorbike earlier in the day.

‘I wouldn’t share this story with Kingsley if I were you,’ Remus warned him, though honestly he was slightly disappointed to have missed out on all the fun. 

Sirius laughed and just like that, the bag’s mysterious content was forgotten for a couple of hours as they enjoyed being in each other’s company and the meal Remus had prepared for them. Only once the remains of Sirius’ chocolate-flavoured birthday cake had been put away did Sirius stop joking, looking worried once more.

‘What’s wrong? Didn’t you like the cake? Was there too much chocolate?’ Remus asked.

The hint of a smile appeared on Sirius’ face. ‘You should know by now that there’s no such thing as too much chocolate. I loved the cake, almost as much as I love you.’

‘So if it’s not the cake, and you’re not about to dump me, then why have you been acting so jumpy all evening?’ Remus asked, thoroughly confused.

Sirius took a deep breath before answering him. ‘Look, there’s something I wanted to ask you, and I’ll understand if you say no, but there’s a reason why I’ve been ignoring all your questions about a birthday present. I’ve been thinking about it and I think I’m ready.’

‘You’re ready? Ready for what?’ All these different scenarios popped up in Remus’ head. Was this a proposal? Surely it was too soon for that. Did Sirius want them to move in together? 

‘I’m ready to have sex, with you,’ Sirius declared.

‘Oh,’ was all Remus could think to respond. ‘So the bag?’

‘Things I was told we might need,’ Sirius explained.

‘Ah. Good thinking,’ Remus complimented him absently. Just the fact that Sirius had gathered enough courage to ask someone for advice about this was a good sign, a sign that yes, he probably was ready.

‘Are you alright, Moony? You seem a little stunned,’ Sirius asked him, the concern evident in his voice. ‘I’m sorry if it’s too soon, I can wait. I just thought-’

‘No,’ Remus stopped him mid-sentence. ‘You’ve got nothing to apologise for.’ He moved towards Sirius, attempting to prove his sincerity through touch, knowing his words alone might not be enough. He kissed Sirius tenderly, trying to convey how much he wanted this without pushing too far, too fast. The last thing he wanted to do right now was scare Sirius away.

‘Do you want to discuss it?’ he asked softly.

‘No. I might lose my nerve. Let’s just see how it goes, yeah?’

‘Bedroom?’

Sirius nodded against him, and Remus led him away in the direction of his room.

***

‘Well, well, well,’ cried Dora as she was greeted by the pair of them that Saturday. ‘Something’s changed between you two, I can feel it. You seem even closer than before, somehow.’ Her face screwed up in a comic caricature of someone focusing on a really hard problem.

‘Did he propose?’ she asked Sirius, but her eyes grew wide as she took in the blush on his face.

‘Oh!’ she exclaimed, before smiling broadly. She leaned into Sirius conspiratorially, ‘he’s rather good, isn’t he?’ she whispered to him before throwing Remus a wink and causing him to turn almost as red as Sirius.

‘It’s alright, boys, your secret’s safe with me. Now, I have a couple of presents for you Sirius: first is this,’ she said, handing him a roughly wrapped package which appeared to be quite squishy. 

Sirius opened it carefully to reveal a Weird Sisters t-shirt, at the sight of which he may have squealed before wrapping his arms around her tightly.

‘Oi!’ she protested. ‘I can’t breathe like this and if I can’t breathe then that’s not great news for the baby either.’ 

Sirius laughed, but let her go. ‘I’ll put it on right now!’ he told her, still grinning. Undoing the buttons of his shirt, he passed it together with the t-shirt he had previously been wearing, to Remus. Lily, who had been on the sofa talking to Kingsley, looked over to see what the commotion was all about and wolf-whistled at the sight of Sirius without his shirt.

‘I’ll let you know there are children present, Evans!’ Sirius admonished her light-heartedly, causing a general outbreak of laughter.

Once that died down, Sirius turned his attention back to Dora. ‘You said there were two presents?’ he prompted.

‘Bored with my t-shirt already? I’ll have you know that’s official merchandise you’re wearing,’ Dora informed him, mock-offended.

‘This t-shirt is never coming off again,’ he told her solemnly, though the smile on his face betrayed his tone. ‘However, you can’t promise two presents and not deliver!’

‘Fine, fine, close your eyes and give me your hands, both of you,’ she told them. Hesitantly, they complied. She reached out and grabbed their hands, placing them on her stomach.

‘Is that what I think it is?’ Remus asked, unable to stop himself from opening his eyes in his excitement.

‘Our baby’s moving, Moony!’ Sirius exclaimed.

‘When did this happen?’ Remus asked Dora, who was smiling just as wide as her two companions.

‘Actually, it's what woke me up this morning. I thought about telling you when it happened but then I decided it would be better to leave it until you could feel it,’ she explained.

‘It’s really real, isn’t it?’ Remus spoke in awe.

‘It’s really real,’ Sirius confirmed. 

Just then, they were broken out of their reverie by a loud crash coming from the kitchen followed by the sound of Molly Weasley’s voice shouting ‘Fred! George! That better not be you!’ as she went to investigate. Meanwhile her husband, who had previously been engaged in conversation with James, could be seen sinking ever lower in his chair.

‘I guess this means the party’s officially started,’ commented Dora with a smirk.


	15. Pink-Loving Punk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of possible female foeticide and of suicide.

‘Guys, we need to have the sex talk,’ Dora announced one week after the party as the three of them met for a catch-up at her flat.

Two stunned faces turned towards her, speechless. Remus recovered first, ready to plead his defence.

‘Is this about what we told you concerning Sirius’ birthday? It’s okay, it was his idea. I did not pressure him at all,’ he protested.

Dora burst into hysterical laughter. ‘Oh dear! I do not need to hear about what you guys get up to in bed, that’s your business. Glad to know it was consensual though. No, I meant my anomaly scan is next Friday and I think it’s probably best if we’re all in agreement over whether or not we find out the sex,’ she explained once she got her breath back.

Both Remus and Sirius sighed with relief.

‘I’m happy just to know that the baby’s healthy,’ Remus told them, to no-one’s surprise.

‘It’s not really my place to decide for you, is it?’ Sirius responded as Dora turned to face him.

‘Of course your opinion counts!’ she protested. ‘You’re their bahba!’

Sirius smiled at the use of the term, before his face took on a more serious expression. ‘Alright then, if it were up to me, I wouldn’t do it. In my parent’s culture there’s so much pressure to have a boy to carry on the family name and look after the parents in their old age. Now, my mother only had two sons and no children before the age of thirty-four despite having been married to my father for quite a few years. As far as I’m aware both of us were conceived naturally yet fertility doesn’t usually go up at that age, it goes down, and my mother had no career ambitions getting in the way of child-rearing, so I’ve often wondered whether she’d been pregnant before but each time on finding out she was having a girl decided on a late-term abortion.’

Dora gasped in shock, while Remus instinctively moved closer to Sirius, aware that this was skating perilously close to his boyfriend’s triggers. 

‘That’s horrific,’ Dora stated, still visibly stunned.

Sirius shrugged. ‘Yeah, well, their plan backfired spectacularly: two gay sons, one disowned the other dead.’

The truth was, his parents had always been strict, but the abuse only really began after he had started showing an interest in boys when he was around nine years old. He had learnt to keep quiet about it, but the damage to his relationship with his parents had already been done, and his coming out aged sixteen served merely as a confirmation of what they already knew. Sirius supposed that the existence of Regulus meant it was easier for them to kick him out, knowing that they had a spare to fall back on to fulfil filial obligations. Of course, that plan collapsed after Regulus committed suicide aged eighteen, unable to come out to his parents for fear of the consequences, but unwilling to live a lie any longer. Walburga had phoned him, screaming that he had corrupted her baby and that she would forever hold him responsible for Regulus’ death, precipitating the worst crisis he had suffered since leaving home.

‘Sirius, do you want to get some air?’ Remus asked him, concerned. Sirius had gone quiet after his last statement, simply sitting and moving his eyes from side to side according to a new treatment McGonagall had him try for moments like these where recalling traumatic events seemed unavoidable. Coming back to the present at the sound of Remus’ voice, he shook his head.

‘No, I’m fine,’ he reassured them, smiling weakly.

‘So, I think we’re all agreed, yeah? No finding out the sex until they inevitably tell us on the big day,’ Dora said, trying to keep her voice light.

Remus smirked. ‘You know what that means though, don’t you Dora? People won’t be buying you pink baby things; it’ll all be yellows and whites.’

Dora frowned. ‘Stuff that! I’ll buy the kid a ton of pink things, and they’ll have to wear it, even if I am having a boy!’

Both Sirius and Remus laughed at that.

‘So we’re doing gender-neutral parenting?’ Remus asked. Having previously dated a few people who did not conform to the gender binary he was quite supportive of the idea, but mindful of Dora’s position as primary care-giver he didn’t want to overstep. 

‘Why not? All I want for the child is for them to grow up to be a pink-loving punk, everything else is up to them!’ Dora declared, which made everyone crack up again.

‘How far are we going to go with it though? I mean, are we only going to look at gender-neutral names? Last time I checked there weren’t too many of those in the Top-100,’ Remus pointed out. 

‘You obviously don’t keep up with all the celebrity gossip. Don’t you know the gender-bending of names is in right now?’ Sirius teased him.

‘Well, we always said we could deviate from the most popular names if we were all in agreement and it seems like we are so why not as long as it’s not too weird? We can still have our vetoes,’ Dora suggested.

‘Here’s to baby Elvendork!’ Sirius announced, causing both Remus and Dora to glare at him.

‘Vetoed!’ they shouted in unison.

‘What?’ Sirius asked them, his tone innocent. ‘Elvendork’s a great unisex name. Elvendork Nymphadora Remus Tonks-Lupin.’

‘Elvendork’s not unisex, you made that up!’ Dora protested. 

‘Even if he didn’t, it’s still too weird. We don’t want the poor child to suffer years of ridicule, remember?’ Remus argued.

Sirius sighed. ‘You guys are no fun whatsoever. At least James pretended to consider it when they were coming up with names for Harry.’

‘Always knew James was crazier than the pair of us combined,’ Remus joked.

Sirius pouted but couldn’t keep it up when Remus placed a quick peck on his lips.

‘That’s not fair, Moony!’ he protested, though the smile on his face suggested he didn’t mind too much.

Still grinning, Remus pulled away after Dora cleared her throat pointedly. 

‘I liked the surname,’ Dora conceded.

Remus turned to her, pleasantly surprised. ‘Really? They can have your name if you want.’

She shook her head. ‘No, it feels right.’

Remus beamed, before whispering his thanks.

‘Is this a group hug moment?’ Sirius asked. ‘It feels like a group hug moment.’

Dora laughed before coming round to wrap her arms around the pair of them. Sirius enjoyed the closeness between the three of them for a moment before speaking up again.

‘Can we at least use Elvendork as a placeholder name?’ he asked, causing the other two to groan.


	16. Mr Lupin's Christmas Holiday

‘So, I gather congratulations are in order,’ Dumbledore addressed him, his blue eyes twinkling. ‘I must say, you kept all this very quiet.’

Remus blushed. It was one week before the end of the autumn term and he had just submitted his request for statutory paternity leave. With the baby due at the start of the Easter holidays it would mean he would get a month to spend getting to know his child and adjusting to the changes in his life.

Remus thanked him, a smile slowly spreading across his face as he thought of the impending arrival. It seemed incredible to him that they were already approaching the third semester. 

‘Dora and I, we’re not together,’ he started to explain. He had kept his impending fatherhood quiet for many reasons, unsure how his colleagues would react. Merely admitting that he was not with the mother of his child would cause people to judge him differently. It would potentially lead to difficult questions about his private life and the state of his mental health. Even if he lied, said they’d simply had one too many, he knew he would lose a little of their respect.

‘Ah, unplanned was it?’ Dumbledore asked, though his tone was more concerned than judgemental. He must have looked at the dates Remus was requesting and put two and two together.

‘Something like that. She’s been very understanding,’ Remus told him, hoping Dumbledore would understand the implication that he had been honest with her about his illness.

Dumbledore smiled. ‘I’m glad to hear it. So, let’s discuss your cover arrangements shall we?’

It was unfortunate that if, as predicted, the baby arrived during the holidays he would be away for two of the three weeks leading up to the exam break and therefore unavailable to any of his students suffering from last-minute exam nerves. McGonagall had seen it as a positive, claiming that by removing himself from one source of stress he was reducing the risk of another episode, but he still felt sorry for those students in need of a little extra reassurance. He dreaded turning up on the last Monday before the exams to see his students in a panic and vowed he would do all in his power to make sure he left them fully prepared.

In the end it was agreed with one of the biology teachers, a giant of a man by the name of Rubeus Hagrid, that he would take registration and tutor time with Remus’ class during his two week absence. Apart from that, it was a matter of ensuring that all his lesson plans were as detailed as possible in the lead-up to the end of the spring term. 

Soon, the holidays came around and brought with them a whirlwind of social events. Of course Remus spent as much time as possible with Sirius, even if that meant putting up with James, who was feeling lonely now that Lily had started her cardiology rotation and no longer worked according to the sensible timetabling afforded to general practitioners. To be fair, hanging out with James was no longer the ordeal it had been at the beginning. James seemed to appreciate Remus’ dry sense of humour and on one particularly memorable night when Sirius had brought out a bottle of some Islay single malt which burnt the throat and brought tears to their eyes, James had confessed that he was glad Sirius had found him, because he hadn’t seen his friend this happy since their school days. The final proof that they could and would be friends came when, unthinking, James had called him Moony before clapping his hands to his mouth as if to push the word back in. Remus had laughed and told him he didn’t mind, explaining the Aristotle story. Sirius had beamed at them both, declaring that Remus was officially part of the gang now and when James did not protest, Remus smiled and snuggled closer to Sirius, happy to have found somewhere he belonged.

Neither Sirius nor the Potters celebrated Christmas so when Dora asked him to come and spend it with her parents, he couldn’t think how to refuse. He usually spent it in Cardiff with his father, but Lyall had seemed pretty relaxed about it all and told him they would just have to celebrate on Boxing Day instead. Sirius had wriggled out of meeting Mr and Mrs Tonks, claiming it would make things too awkward, and neither Remus nor Dora had insisted, knowing how he felt about coming out to near-strangers.

So it was that Remus found himself spending Christmas on the road in Dora’s messy old Toyota on their way up to Wolverhampton. He had smirked at the irony, causing Dora to ask him what was so funny and when he explained she’d groaned in mock-annoyance. The rest of the journey passed in playful bickering over which radio station to listen to and pleasant chatter concerning the baby and before he knew it, Remus was being introduced to Dora’s parents.

Andromeda was a tall woman in her forties who shared her daughter’s natural light brown hair and dark eyes. Upon opening the door and seeing Dora, she embraced her daughter warmly. With Remus her manner was more distant yet unfailingly polite. By contrast her husband Ted was a round man who seemed totally unfazed by the fact he would be spending Christmas with the cad who had impregnated his daughter, smiling warmly at Remus as Dora introduced them. 

In the end, Remus had to concede it could have been a lot worse. Andromeda’s skill in the kitchen had made the turkey more than simply edible and Remus was pleased to see her muster a small, satisfied smile as he complimented her cooking. Ted listened with avid interest as Remus pointed out which parts of Cardiff were masquerading as alien settings in this year’s Doctor Who Christmas special, before bemoaning the fact that they had had to wait a whole year for this one episode. Andromeda had rolled her eyes at this, reminding her husband that as he’d survived the 90s, this much shorter hiatus was unlikely to kill him. 

The next day, Remus was grateful to Dora for agreeing to take a detour to drop him off at his father’s house. She responded by telling him not to be so ridiculous, that she was doing it for Lyall who she was sure would appreciate the chance to properly introduce himself to the baby. When he had pointed out that the baby wouldn’t be able to talk for a while yet, she had pointed out that as the baby had already been able to hear sound for six weeks by now, it was high time they got to know the voice of their paternal grandfather. Remus could think of no counter-argument to that, and was amazed to see the way his usually timid father seemed to come out of his shell in Dora’s presence. Feeling the niggling sense that the family scene playing out in front of him was incomplete without Sirius, Remus called him and asked him to make the short trip over the Channel. An hour or so later, Sirius was with them and looking around the lounge at his hodgepodge family, Remus could think of no better way to spend Christmas. 

New Year was spent back in Bristol being dragged around various live music venues by Sirius and Dora. Lily too seemed to be enjoying herself, dancing the night away with Sirius. James would occasionally cut in, but for the most part was satisfied to sit back and chat with Remus and Kingsley. Finally, as the countdown approached, all three were dragged to the dancefloor to link hands and sing ‘Auld Lang Syne’ before they all decided to call it a night, the Potters having promised their neighbour Mrs. Bagshot they’d be back by one.

Sirius invited Remus back to his place and Remus could not find it within himself to refuse. After they’d fallen into bed, finally somewhere safe from the public gaze where Sirius could give in to his lust unashamedly, they lay sleepy but satisfied that the year ahead would be a good one. 

‘Got any New Year’s resolutions, Pads?’ Remus asked him sleepily.

Sirius laughed quietly. ‘You know New Year’s not for another month as far as I’m concerned,’ he teased. Remus was feeling too dozy to fight him on it, choosing instead to take the moral high ground by turning in Sirius’ arms, ready for sleep. 

Sirius nuzzled into him before whispering ‘move in with me, Moony. I don’t need anything else this year except you.’

Remus smiled.


	17. Lilac Stars

Remus’ tenancy was not due to end for another two months and so he had to wait out his notice period before he was able to move in with Sirius in February. Although Sirius was initially upset about this delay, McGonagall soon made him understand that it was an opportunity to make the flat somewhere both would feel comfortable. 

It was true that he could ill-imagine Remus feeling like he truly belonged in Sirius’ minimalist surroundings. The flat had been bought upon graduation from Hogwarts using the money he’d inherited from his closeted Uncle Alphard. He had chosen it for two reasons: its location and its modernity. The first was important because despite being a Londoner by birth, being kicked out of home aged sixteen made the thought of returning to the capital unpalatable to him. By contrast, Bristol had produced the Potters, the only people to have shown him any kindness since before he hit double figures. As such, it seemed only natural to him that when James came down from Hogwarts for the final time, he would follow. The flat was chosen because it was the complete opposite of his ancestral home with its myriad trinkets holding on to the Black family’s innumerable secrets through the centuries, having only just been built. He had chosen to keep furnishings and decoration to a minimum, only buying what was necessary to make the place liveable.

Remus was not a minimalist, however. Remus wore woolly jumpers without any shame, because they reminded him of the comfort of a home where no matter what misfortune may befall him, he knew he was loved. So Sirius made space for Remus’ piano and bought cushions and a rug to go in the lounge. He bought photo frames and filled them with pictures of James and Lily in the moments after Harry’s birth, holding this tiny creature who already looked so much like his father; of Remus and himself, taken at New Year when neither of them was quite sober enough to realise what Lily was doing before it was too late and the final one showing himself, Remus, Lyall, Dora and the bump on Boxing Day.

When Harry had heard that his Mr. Moony was moving in, he insisted on being allowed to help. Sirius was dubious at first, but quickly realised that having a child’s opinion might be useful when it came to his secret project. 

‘Harry, you know the spare room?’

Harry nodded vigorously.

‘I want to make it into the baby’s room, but I don’t have any ideas,’ he confessed. It was true: most of the unisex designs he had found were done up in boring, adult colours like grey or brown and seemed to be overly fond of tree motifs. Not that he had anything against trees, but it just didn’t seem right for their baby. 

‘The moon and stars!’ Harry told him, a huge grin on his face. Sirius smiled at his godson’s enthusiasm even if the star theme gave him some discomfort. He understood Harry had chosen it based on their names, but the thought of seeing his namesake next to that of his father every time he walked in the room filled him with dread. Still, if he went with the more traditional five-pointed design then that particular issue could potentially be side-stepped.

‘Shall we go down to B&Q and see what they’ve got?’ Sirius suggested, Harry agreeing enthusiastically.

Harry quickly founded some vinyl glow-in-the-dark star and moon stickers which Sirius deemed acceptably stereotypical and therefore unlikely to precipitate a nervous breakdown. They were disappointed in their search for a suitable rug before Sirius went over to the paint-mixing aisle to discuss colours with a sales assistant. 

‘So you want something blue?’ the sales assistant asked Sirius after he finished explaining the theme.

With Dora ensuring that their child would get their fill of pink either way a blue room would not be a complete disaster, but Sirius instinctively felt that he did not want to go down that route. Still, he refused to give in to the brown-and-grey brigade.

‘I was thinking more of a light purple?’ he suggested. With the decals being white, he reasoned it would work quite well. 

The assistant nodded before eventually producing the shade Sirius was looking for. Satisfied, they returned to the flat and Sirius set about covering the floor so he and Harry could start to paint. When James came to pick up his son around six o’clock that evening, Harry excitedly showed him the half-finished room.

Over the next couple of weeks Sirius managed to put the finishing touches to the room. A darker purple rug with a white star design was found online and placed on the floor once all the paint had dried. Molly had offered him her old nursery furniture on loan having kept it for the use of future grandchildren, but hoping that none would arrive for at least another ten years what with her oldest only just fifteen. 

He showed it to Dora first, wanting to gauge her reaction. He had no intention of stepping on her toes and respected the fact that the child would primarily be in her care, but he hoped that by providing a nursery here, he could demonstrate his commitment to making their odd little family work. 

Her first reaction was to wolf-whistle in appreciation.

‘Love the purple,’ she said, grinning from ear-to-ear.

‘Really?’ Sirius asked, still not entirely convinced he’d done the right thing.

Dora laughed. ‘Absolutely! I can see the two of us spending a lot of time here,’ she reassured him before placing a quick peck to his cheek and causing him to blush.

‘Does Remus know?’ she asked.

‘No, I thought I’d show it to him at the weekend,’ Sirius explained. The coming weekend marked the beginning of the New Year according to the Chinese calendar and Sirius had planned for Remus to be settled in to the flat so they could ring it in together.

‘He’ll love it,’ Dora promised him.

She hadn’t been wrong. Remus, overcome with emotion, had dragged him into a fierce hug before whispering his thanks into the side of Sirius’ neck.

‘Does Dora know?’ he asked, pulling back.

‘Yeah, says they’ll have to spend the weekends here now,’ Sirius teased. 

Remus laughed, relieved. ‘I’ll have to tell her off for keeping secrets from me when we meet on Monday.’

‘Are you ready for people to assume you’re a couple?’ Sirius asked him. He didn’t know what would be worse: people at the antenatal class judging Remus when he told them he and Dora were not together, or Remus playing along in order to avoid any awkward questions.

Perhaps sensing his partner’s thoughts and not wanting their first night to be spoiled by negativity, he kissed Sirius’ temple and told him that it didn’t matter what these strangers thought of him as long as his family was happy.

Sirius smiled and didn’t even complain when Remus dragged him into their bedroom to show him exactly how much Sirius meant to him.


	18. A Tragedy

February saw them learning to adjust to each other’s routines; Remus even took to joining in Sirius’ meditation after catching him at it on their first full Saturday living together. He was pleased to find it helped soothe his anxiety, something which he had struggled with ever since his bipolar diagnosis. He had got to the point where he’d just accepted it as yet another shit thing his disease did: come with anxiety as part of a package deal while also considering anti-anxiety medication as an excuse to unleash manic episodes. So, when he woke up mid-morning on that Saturday and found Sirius’ side of the bed empty, he had a moment of panic before he got himself together enough to walk out into the lounge where he witnessed Sirius right in the middle of his breathing exercises. Obviously sensing his presence, Sirius smiled but did not open his eyes.

‘Wanna join?’ he offered.

‘I don’t know how,’ Remus confessed.

Here, Sirius did open his eyes to look at him before patting the space beside him. ‘Come on, I’ll teach you.’

From then on, the meditation became something they both shared.

On the whole, adapting to each other’s’ presence went quite well, though Remus was occasionally guilty of leaving used teabags in the sink despite the compost bin being just to the left, much to Sirius’ frustration. 

March meant Remus’ birthday, which Sirius was pleased to note fell on a Friday that year. Seeking to find something they would all enjoy, he invited Kingsley, Dora and the Potters round for an evening of food and party games. Sirius knew James was competitive, it was what had made him such a successful athlete after all, but it was usually manageable among friends unless someone else decided to rise to the challenge. He had not counted on Dora doing just that, despite being eight months pregnant. 

A little more than a week later however the good mood was shattered. Remus was jolted from sleep by the sound of his phone ringing, too loud for a weekend morning. 

‘Dora?’ he answered, still half-asleep. All he could hear was heavy breathing, as if she were trying not to cry. 

‘The police say he was attacked, and Mum and I, we’ve always been on at him to lose weight, and oh God, what if he doesn’t make it?’ Dora asked, although Remus got the distinct impression the words weren’t really addressed to him.

‘Dora, slow down! Has something happened to Ted?’ he asked as he tried to make sense of what was going on. 

He heard her take a deep breath, evidently trying to get her emotions under control. ‘Mum says he went out to get the paper and some milk and that the police reckon he was set upon by this gang of thugs who were after his money. The shock must have triggered a heart attack and now he’s in hospital and he’s unconscious and the doctors don’t know if he’s going to make it,’ she concluded, the hysterical edge creeping back in her voice towards the end.

Thinking quickly, he shook Sirius awake, telling him to get dressed as he moved to do the same.

‘Alright Dora, we’re on our way. If you let Sirius borrow your car, we’ll take you to Wolverhampton,’ he explained. Dora was obviously in no fit state to get herself up to the Midlands right now and this seemed like the best solution. 

Dora thanked him and hung up.

‘Why am I being volunteered as a taxi service on a Saturday?’ Sirius asked, still groggy with sleep.

‘Dora’s dad just had a heart attack, I said you’d take her up to be with him,’ Remus informed him. Sirius didn’t argue.

They made it to Dora’s flat in record time, leaving the bike parked outside. Dora was already in the car park, putting the last of her bags in the boot of the Toyota when they arrived. Remus jumped off the bike and took off his helmet before wrapping her in a comforting embrace. She handed her keys over to Sirius and Remus helped her into the front passenger seat before getting in the back.

‘So what was in the bags?’ Sirius asked, trying to make conversation.

‘Change of clothes, stuff in case the baby decides to come early, that sort of thing,’ she explained.

‘At least you’ll be in the right place,’ Sirius teased and was pleased to see Dora manage a small smile.

Once they reached New Cross Hospital, Dora and Remus were met by a grey-faced Andromeda who filled them in, letting them know exactly how bad things were. Andromeda offered to lead them to Ted but Remus told her he’d wait for Sirius and join them later, allowing them some time alone.

As they walked away, he heard Andromeda ask her daughter ‘who’s Sirius?’ and was reminded that Dora’s parents hadn’t been told about his partner. Quickly, he made his way back out towards the car park.

‘Sirius? He called out as he approached the car. Sirius was sat back in the driver’s seat. ‘What are you still doing out here?’

‘I don’t belong, do I?’ Sirius protested. 

‘Course you do. Dora wants you here, you know that,’ Remus told him.

‘But I’ve never met her dad. Her parents don’t even know I exist!’

Remus smiled. ‘I think Andromeda knows now. I said I’d wait for you and I thought I heard Dora explain who you were as they went to find Ted. Come on, even if she’s a homophobe chucking you out and creating a scene are unlikely to be top of her list right now.’

Sirius sighed but got out of the car and followed Remus in pursuit of Dora and her mother.

‘You’re Sirius?’ Andromeda asked as she spotted them coming towards her.

Looking sheepish, Sirius nodded before being surprised as Andromeda enveloped him in her arms. 

‘Thank you,’ she whispered to him. ‘Thank you for giving Dora the chance to say goodbye.’ 

Remus offered to get everyone a round of tea and motioned for Sirius to follow.

‘That was really brave of you,’ he noted once they were out of earshot.

Sirius raised a tentative smile. ‘It’s a bit more serious than Dora was led to believe, isn’t it?’ 

Remus sighed. ‘Looks that way,’ he confirmed.

‘It’s so unfair! Three weeks away from becoming a grandfather,’ Sirius complained.

‘At least he knew, right?’ Remus offered as a consolation. His own mother had died when he was twenty after a relatively short battle with breast cancer. She would have been overjoyed at the prospect of becoming a grandmother, and it pained him that she would never know his child. 

Remus booked them into a hotel for the night, but neither of them got much sleep and they were back at the hospital by early morning. A few hours later, the news they all feared finally came. 

They offered their condolences and Remus even asked if they should stay longer, but Dora reminded him that he’d be useless to her if a break in his routine led to another episode. Andromeda made them promise they would come to the funeral once it was all organised.

The funeral arrangements clashed with James’ birthday, but he told them he understood. The service was well-attended and it was easy to see how loved Ted had been. 

Afterwards, it was decided that Dora would come and stay with them in Sirius’ flat until such time as she felt comfortable being alone again.

On the way home, she asked ‘I know we said we wanted unisex names, but if it’s a boy, could we call him Edward?’

Remus, sat beside her on the back seat, thought it over. ‘How about Teddy? I reckon that one could be just about passable even if we have a girl, no?’

Dora gave him a watery smile. ‘That would be perfect,’ she sighed as she rested her head on his shoulder. Soon, she was fast asleep, overcome with exhaustion.


	19. The New Arrival

A week-and-a-half is really no time at all. Dora buried herself in work, trying to get as much crammed into her investigations portfolio in the week before her compulsory leave was due to start. If anyone who knew her had concerns that she was using work in order to avoid facing what was going on in her personal life, they also knew better than to challenge her outright. Remus would spend his evenings alternating between rushing to get all his planning done for school and obsessing over final preparations for the baby. Sirius would regularly have to remind him to take breaks, to try to get enough sleep before he suffered a relapse. 

Only once Dora was legally obliged to take the week before her due date as the start of her maternity leave did Sirius spend any meaningful time alone in her company. Unwilling to sit still for any length of time, Dora begged him to accompany her on various outings: walks in the park as well as trips to the swimming pool or the cinema. They laughed the first time he joined in with her as she did her antenatal yoga stretches, Dora teasingly asking him when his baby was due. They spent a lot of time lounging around listening to the Weird Sisters’ back catalogue, arguing over their favourite songs.

Throughout this period, the only time Dora let them see her pain was late at night, as they lay in bed and heard her tears through the wall that separated their bedroom from the nursery, where she would be crying herself to sleep in the single bed. Most nights one of them would creep in and offer to swap places so she could fall asleep in the comfort of a reassuring embrace.

Early on the morning of Saturday the 8th of April, it was Sirius who was sleeping beside her when she awoke with a start.

‘Oh!’ she exclaimed, causing Sirius to stir from his slumber.

‘Hmm?’ he asked, still half-asleep. 

‘I think that was a contraction,’ she whispered.

Suddenly, Sirius was wide awake. ‘I’ll wake Remus and get the car started. You can hang on for five minutes, can’t you?’

Dora laughed. ‘Have you read any of the baby books?’ she asked. ‘This is only the first stage. It could be hours before we need to go to the birthing centre.’

In spite of himself, Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Should I wake Remus anyway?’

Dora nodded and Sirius rolled out of bed before making his way to the nursery. He smiled as he saw Remus spread out on the bed, the duvet down around his waist. Here was the man he loved, sleep rendering him unafraid to bare his scars. Bending down, he pressed a kiss to Remus’ temple. Remus grumbled but his eyes fluttered open and upon seeing Sirius he smiled.

‘Good morning, Dadi,’ Sirius greeted him, returning his smile with an affectionate one of his own. 

Remus frowned in incomprehension and Sirius chuckled, overcome with affection for this beautiful human being. 

‘Dora woke up because she was having contractions. Thought you ought to know,’ he explained, grinning ever wider.

Remus’ eyes widened and he sprang up from the bed. ‘How far apart?’ he asked, obviously having done more studying than Sirius himself.

‘I don’t know,’ Sirius told him truthfully. ‘She just woke up now, as far as I know that was the first.’

‘Okay, that’s good,’ Remus stated, although it was almost as if he were speaking to himself. Slowly, he got up and picked up his t-shirt from the floor. Sirius followed him as he left the room and headed to their bedroom.

‘Hey,’ Remus greeted Dora. ‘How are you feeling?’

She smiled. ‘Good, excited.’

‘Want me to ring Poppy?’ he asked. Poppy was their midwife, who had told them to ring her as soon as the contractions started.

Dora nodded. ‘Just send her a text telling her the contractions have started so she knows to expect us at some point.’

‘Okay, I can do that. Is there anything else you need?’

‘If Sirius could put some bread in the toaster while I go to the toilet that would be great,’ she told them, grinning.

‘Sure,’ Sirius agreed and went to do just that.

Six hours passed in a strange sort of calm. Remus rang Andromeda and Lyall to tell them today was probably going to be the day. Around lunchtime, Dora’s waters broke. Her contractions started becoming more intense and arriving at a greater frequency. It was at this point that Remus told Sirius to ready the car. 

Sirius flinched every time Dora screamed with her contractions, but found that listening to Remus’ voice as he encouraged her to breathe soothed him, reminded him that he was safe and surrounded by people who loved him. He told himself that Dora’s pain was necessary, that she welcomed it as a sign that her baby was ready to make their entrance into the world. Still, he was relieved when they arrived at St Michael’s.

Poppy was there waiting for them when they arrived and she quickly showed them to their birthing room. After doing the necessary preliminary checks, Poppy left them to it. Dora had opted for the midwifery-led birthing unit because it was the closest she could get to a home birth while retaining the comfort of knowing that if anything untoward were to happen medical assistance was available right next door. 

Dora spent time sat on a birthing ball before the pain got too much and it was suggested she might want to try the pool. It hadn’t been part of her plans: the idea of being naked in front of an ex-lover and his partner just felt that little bit too awkward, even for her. 

‘You might as well give it a go,’ Remus encouraged her. 

Eventually she was persuaded to get in. The sense of relief as the water soothed her aching muscles was clearly visible. After a couple of hours of getting in and out at regular intervals, either to go to the toilet or to have her progress checked, the intensity of her contractions increased again. Dora started shaking and sweating profusely.

‘It looks like you’re entering transition, Dora,’ Poppy told her. ‘Do you want to stay in the pool?’

Dora nodded.

‘That’s fine. You might find it more comfortable on your knees with your elbows over the edge here,’ she suggested. Mutely, Dora complied.

Poppy smiled. ‘Now just breathe. Remus: keep reminding her to breathe through the contractions.’

Remus nodded and moved to comply. ‘You’re almost there, Dora,’ he assured her.

Poppy instructed Sirius to get a facecloth and run it under the cold water tap. Once this was done he passed it to Remus, who pressed it to Dora’s feverish skin. 

After an hour, they were all relieved when Poppy announced that Dora was fully dilated and ready to push. She instructed Dora to position herself into a low squatting position, holding on to Remus’ arms for support. This way, the baby’s head would fall directly into the water and they would not start to breathe until Poppy exposed them to the air for the first time.

‘Now, push three times with each contraction,’ Poppy told her and Dora set about doing just that.

It took another hour but finally, finally, Teddy arrived. Poppy gently lifted Teddy from the water and passed them to Dora. Teddy did not cry: just looked around, taking in their new surroundings with all its strange sounds and sights. Sirius, concerned, asked Poppy whether this was normal and she assured him that water babies were often found to be calmer in this way and that there was nothing to worry about.

Poppy withdrew to give the new family some time to bond and only then did Dora give in to the emotion of the last three weeks and cry.

‘So beautiful,’ she whispered as she glanced down to the baby suckling her breast. Neither Remus nor Sirius felt inclined to disagree.

‘You were incredible,’ Sirius told her as Remus put a comforting arm around her shoulder.

As Dora slept, Remus held his child for the first time.

‘Can you believe that someone as messed up as me could help create something so perfect?’ he asked Sirius, his eyes never leaving the child sleeping in his arms.

‘They’re amazing,’ Sirius conceded. Right now it felt wrong to start an argument with Remus about his lack of self-worth. ‘Looks more like Dora though, sorry to say. Got her pointy chin!’ he added with a laugh, rubbing a thumb along it in emphasis. Teddy squirmed but did not wake. 

By midnight, they were back at Sirius’ flat, a brand new family of four.


	20. Paternity Leave

They quickly settled into a routine. Dora moved back into the nursery on a permanent basis, too tired from waking to feed and change Teddy every two hours to stay awake crying anymore. Remus willingly took care of these duties during the day but it was agreed by all that his sleep pattern should be protected and so from ten o’clock at night Dora was left to her own devices. Meanwhile, Sirius took charge of all the housework, occasionally getting Remus to help while Teddy was sleeping. They all took turns pulling funny faces at Teddy in the hope of getting a reaction.

With this system in place, they somehow managed to survive the first three weeks, before their schedule was thrown into disarray by the arrival of two very excited grandparents. Sirius’ flat wasn’t big enough for all of them so it was decided that Andromeda would have use of Dora’s place and the Potters graciously agreed to let Lyall stay with them. In this way, they managed to avoid giving the impression of favouring one over the other.

Andromeda arrived first, and her introduction to Teddy proved emotional. She had already been told about their choice of name, but upon holding her grandchild for the first time tears rolled down her cheeks as she whispered ‘Teddy’ repeatedly in reverence and awe. At this point, Remus and Sirius decided it would probably be best if the two of them made themselves scarce for a little while. They came back only when Lyall told them he had dropped his stuff off at the Potters’ and would be with them shortly.

Lyall and Andromeda got on well, gushing to each other about their seemingly perfect grandchild and sharing anecdotes about their own children growing up, much to Sirius’ entertainment though he did notice that most of Lyall’s stories ended before Remus turned five. Towards evening the talk became more serious as they commiserated over their lost spouses and discussed the progress of the legal case against Ted’s attackers. 

Andromeda left after lunch on Sunday and Lyall finally got the opportunity to ask a question which had been bugging him since his arrival on Friday evening.

‘Why does Harry call me Grandpa Moony?’

Sirius laughed and Remus blushed. 

‘It’s because Remus here is Moony,’ Sirius explained, although the befuddled look on Lyall’s face told him the statement didn’t really clarify anything. With a sigh, he restarted his explanation from the beginning. ‘James and I have been best friends since our first day at boarding school aged eleven. As friends do, we eventually developed nicknames for each other so I’m Padfoot and he’s Prongs. When I was sixteen I got kicked out of home and James’ parents took me in, so he’s basically my brother. When Harry was born I became Uncle Padfoot and I think in Harry’s mind a nickname makes you family, so he decided Remus had to have one too and he chose Moony for whatever reason makes sense to a five-year-old.’

Remus smiled, grateful that his father had been spared the true origins of his nickname. Knowing Lyall, he would have taken it personally as yet another reminder of the way in which he had failed his son.

Sirius continued. ‘Harry has never had grandparents: Effie and Monty died before he was born, as did Lily’s parents. As such, I think he’s probably a little intrigued by what you represent. By calling you Grandpa Moony he’s recognising your connection to Remus and Teddy while also possibly hoping you’ll accept to be part of his extended family too. Maybe he’s a bit jealous of Teddy getting two grandparents when he doesn’t even have one.’ 

‘He’s a cute kid,’ Lyall acknowledged with a cough. Remus smirked at his father’s awkward attempt to hide his emotions. ‘If someone had told me this time last year I’d have two grandchildren I’d have laughed in their face,’ he added. Sirius beamed.

The Potters had offered to cook for everyone the Sunday before Remus was due back at work and all the adults were amused to see how Harry had become Lyall’s noontime shadow, following him all over the place.

‘I think you’ve been usurped as Harry’s favourite person, Pads,’ James teased him.

Sirius pretended to take offence, claiming it was because Lyall was shiny and new and Harry would get bored eventually. Secretly, he was surprised to find how warm he felt, seeing this patchwork family he’d made for himself come together so successfully. 

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this contented with life,’ he confessed to Remus as they lay in bed that night.

Remus pulled him closer, pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

On Monday morning, Remus’ prolonged absence was quickly forgiven when he handed over a cute picture of Teddy Dora had managed to snap that weekend. The photo was passed around amidst much excited babble and lots of cooing noises from the majority of the girls.

‘So, this little creature is called Teddy Tonks-Lupin, born on the 8th of April,’ he informed them. 

‘It’s a boy, then?’ Chloe asked.

Grinning, Remus shrugged. ‘That’s really for them to decide when they get a little bit older, don’t you think?’

‘What do you mean, Sir?’ Dan asked him.

‘Tell me you’ve covered gender and sexuality in your PSHE classes at some point?’ he asked them, mock-outraged. It was a truth universally acknowledged that the vast majority of students saw these classes as a waste of time. To prove his point, the only responses he got were a few shrugs and some indistinct mumbles.

‘Alright, I won’t go into detail now because it’s Monday morning but unless you’re all completely falling apart over your exams,’ he paused, looking around for any sign that this was so, ‘I’m going to use this week’s tutor time to educate you about gender.’

Some of the boys groaned. ‘Is this about how women are better than men?’ Will asked.

Remus let out an exaggerated sigh. ‘There’ll be no ill-informed disparaging of feminism in this classroom, thank you very much. No gender is better than any other, and who says there are only two anyway? I see I have a lot of catching-up to do!’

The bell rang, signalling the five-minute warning to get to first period and Remus set his tutees free. It was good to be back.


	21. Walburga's Revenge

Everything fell apart that July. 

It all began after a rather important-looking envelope arrived at the flat one Tuesday morning, addressed to Sirius. He opened it, looked the content up and down twice before throwing it down on the floor and turning to Teddy in an attempt to make the baby smile at him. Teddy obliged, thrilled at having Sirius' undivided attention.

‘Who was the letter from?’ Remus asked him, curious.

‘I’ve been summoned for the reading of my mother’s will. Shouldn’t take too long I’d imagine,’ Sirius replied, his voice betraying no emotion.

‘You never told us your mother died!’ Dora exclaimed, obviously shocked by Sirius’ calm demeanour. 

Sirius shrugged. ‘She’s been dead to me for a long, long time. I saw the notice in ‘The Times’ the other day when I was looking for the crossword.’

‘And you didn’t think to say anything?’ Remus asked, trying to keep his voice calm.

Sirius turned to look at him. ‘I showed James. He was upset that there was no mention of me, not even in the last sentence where they usually write “she is survived by her eldest son, Sirius”.’ 

Remus didn’t know what to think. That Sirius would share this news with James while neglecting to inform him stung a little, but Remus understood: after all, it was James who had had to pick up the pieces after Sirius got thrown out. It was more Sirius’ carefree acceptance of it all that bothered him.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked, searching his partner’s face for any sign of distress.

Sirius smiled. ‘Never better, I’m free of the Blacks once and for all!’ Remus saw no hint that his was a lie. 

‘When’s the reading? Do you want me to come?’ he asked. He was almost sure Sirius would refuse, not wanting to face the judgement of his remaining family, but he felt it was his duty to offer.

‘Wouldn’t be worth your while I should imagine. Don’t even know why I’ve been invited, having been disinherited and all,’ Sirius told him.

That Friday, Sirius made his way back to London to attend the will reading at the offices of Selwyn & Selwyn, the solicitors used by the Black family for generations. He had dressed for the occasion in his usual black jeans and band t-shirt, one final act of rebellion against Dear Departed Mum. Judging by the look on his face, the latest Mr Selwyn was not impressed, but evidently felt it was not his place to comment on Sirius’ chosen attire.

‘Would you like something to drink or would you rather we got down to business?’ Selwyn asked him once Sirius was seated in his office.

‘Shouldn’t we wait? Where’s everybody else?’ Sirius asked, confused.

Selwyn took his seat on the other side of the desk before responding. ‘You were the sole beneficiary, Mr Black.’

‘What? There must be some mistake. I was disinherited!’ Sirius protested. He had no desire to take on his mother’s estate, which brought with it the memory of all his childhood trauma.

If Sirius didn’t know better, he would have likened the look on Selwyn’s face to a smirk. 

‘The law is a bit more forgiving than some parents may wish. Disinheritance can be overruled if it is judged to be “unreasonable, capricious and harsh”, which in your case it almost certainly was. However, I can assure you that Lady Black’s will states clearly that you were to inherit everything.’ Here, Selwyn slid the document across so Sirius could read for himself. 

‘What did she die of, dementia?’ Sirius scoffed, unable to believe his own ears.

‘Lady Black was of sound mind,’ Selwyn replied, offended on his late client’s behalf.

‘I don’t want it,’ Sirius stated plainly. 

Selwyn sighed. ‘In that case, you have two years to write to Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise disclaiming your inheritance. I would take that time to consider your options, Mr Black. It seemed terribly important to your mother that her estate remained attached to the family name.’

For the first time since reading the solicitors’ invitation, Sirius smiled. 

A plan in place he made his way back to Bristol and proceeded to get royally pissed. Around midnight, he staggered back to the flat, where Remus sat up waiting for him.

‘Moony!’ Sirius exclaimed loudly upon seeing his lover on the sofa. 

Remus shushed him, not wanting to wake Dora and the baby. ‘Where have you been? You should have been back hours ago!’ he hissed.

‘My Moony,’ Sirius approached, wrapping his arms around his lover and pressing a slobbery kiss to Remus’ temple.

‘Have you been drinking?’ 

‘Mmmm,’ Sirius confirmed. ‘Needed Dutch courage.’

‘Were you really that scared of finding out your mother’s will? You should have said, you know I would have come with you,’ Remus told him, his annoyance fading at the thought of Sirius’ distress.

Sirius pulled back, laughing. ‘Oh Moony-mine! No, I wasn’t scared of that.’ Here he scrambled down from the sofa and onto his knees in front of Remus.

‘Sirius, no!’ Remus protested. ‘You’re drunk and upset, I don’t need a blow-job now, it can wait until the morning when you’re sober.’

Shooting his boyfriend a look of disapproval, Sirius shushed him before moving closer still. ‘Remus John Moony Lupin,’ he began. ‘Will you marry me?’

Remus stared, dumbfounded. 

‘Well?’ Sirius prompted as the silence grew unbearable.

Remus awoke from his stupor. ‘Go to bed, Sirius. We’ll talk tomorrow.’

Sirius pouted and thought about whining but the professorial glare Remus was focusing on him allowed for no such behaviour. Sighing, he got up and turned away from Remus’ disapproving face and walked to his bedroom. It did not take long before he collapsed onto the bed he shared with Remus and fell into a deep sleep. By contrast, Remus spent the night tossing and turning on the sofa, needing the space in order to consider his next steps.

Remus woke at six and spent the morning looking after Teddy in the hope of distracting himself from the thought of the talk he would eventually have to have with Sirius. When Dora woke up a couple of hours later she took one look at him and demanded to know what was wrong.

‘Sirius came home drunk and proposed to me,’ he told her.

‘Ah, want me to take Teddy out for a couple of hours so you two can shout it out?’ She suggested.

Remus smiled at her, grateful for her understanding. Unfortunately, having Dora and Teddy out of the flat by nine meant he had a couple of hours by himself to stew over the events of the previous night. It wasn’t that he was opposed to getting married, but the fact that Sirius had asked while drunk after his mother’s will-reading seemed a pretty big clue that this wasn’t what Sirius really wanted, that something else was driving him. 

Around eleven o’clock, Sirius stumbled out of their bedroom in search of a hangover cure.

‘You didn’t come to bed last night,’ Sirius informed him, looking hurt.

‘I know,’ Remus told him. ‘We need to talk.’

Sirius sighed. ‘Alright, just let me get some paracetamol and then I’m all yours.’

‘Do you remember what happened last night?’ Remus asked Sirius once he’d taken the pills and come back into the lounge.

‘I asked you to marry me, you told me to go to bed and didn’t follow, which seems like a pretty big no if I’m being honest,’ Sirius told him.

‘It’s not a no, it’s a why. Or at least a why now, I suppose,’ Remus reassured him.

‘Can’t a guy propose as a spur-of-the-moment thing?’ Sirius asked, immediately on the defensive.

‘I don’t know, Sirius. The timing just seems odd to me. Here’s you, a guy who had never been in a relationship with another man before me, who had never had sex before you met me, who was terrified of his family finding out about us, and suddenly you want to get married,’ Remus explained.

‘I love you, my mother’s dead and I don’t particularly care what my cousins think, so why not?’ Sirius argued.

Sighing, Remus decided to change tack. ‘What happened at the will reading, Sirius?’

Sirius laughed. ‘She left me everything.’

Remus was taken aback, having expected to hear that he was only invited as one last mean-spirited proof of his pariah status within the family.

‘She forgave you?’ Remus asked, trying to sort things out in his own head.

‘Nah, Selwyn reckons it’s ’cause I’m the last of the name,’ Sirius explained. ‘My cousins married into French political families and well, French isn’t good enough in these post-Brexit times, is it?’

‘I don’t understand,’ Remus told him.

Sirius sighed. ‘Look at me, Remus. I don’t exactly scream “been here since before the Norman Conquest”, do I? The name is all we have available to us as proof that we belong.’

Remus furrowed his brow, trying to make sense of it all. In the end, he decided it was probably best to give up and let Sirius talk.

‘Most people assume that it’s a name we adopted on our arrival here, but the truth is sometime in the 18th century one of my ancestors was canny enough to marry one of the British merchants plying their trade in Guangdong, giving us the name, the right to reside in Britain and the gene for grey eyes,’ Sirius smirked. 

‘So you want to marry me in order that Teddy and I can become Blacks, so that the line can continue? I’m not sure Dora would be too pleased with that,’ Remus warned him.

‘No! You have it all back-to-front!’ Sirius told him. ‘I want to become a Lupin. I don’t want Grimmauld or the family fortune. I want the name, the line, to die.’

Remus looked him dead in the eye. ‘I am a person, Sirius. I will not be used as a pawn in your family’s twisted games. Change your name by deed poll, become a Potter for real if the Black name is such a burden to you, but I will not marry you just so you can take my name in defiance of your family.’

With this, Remus got up and entered Sirius’ bedroom for the first time in over twenty-four hours, whereupon he started to pack his affairs into his old battered suitcase.

‘What are you doing?’ Sirius asked him.

‘I think it would be best if we spent some time apart so you can sort out what it is you really want,’ Remus explained.

‘Remus, I’m sorry. Please don’t go. Where would you go anyway?’ 

Remus shot him a furious look. ‘I’ll stay with Kingsley for a while, and then we’ll see.’

Remus continued packing in defiance of Sirius’ pleas. By lunchtime he was gone, having phoned Dora to explain the situation to her. Feeling out of place living with Sirius without Remus there to connect them, Dora went back to her flat that evening. Sirius spent the night in Teddy’s abandoned nursery, wondering how it could all have gone so wrong so quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And on that note 'Two Wolves' is going on hiatus until mid-December at the earliest...


	22. Making Lemonade

‘How is he?’ Sirius asked as McGonagall shut the door behind him.

‘We’ve been here before, Sirius. You know I can’t discuss other patients,’ she warned him as they sat down. 

Sirius sighed loudly in frustration. ‘I fucked up.’

McGonagall nodded. ‘Alright, that I can work with. Why exactly do you feel this way?’

If Sirius wasn’t the tiniest bit scared of his psychiatrist, he would have rolled his eyes at her attempt to feign ignorance of what had gone on between himself and Remus. Instead, he settled for telling her his version of events.

‘I told you my mother died a couple of weeks ago, didn’t I?’ he began. ‘Well, in one final cruel joke on her degenerate son, she left me the entire Black fortune.’

‘You think of it as a joke? Why? You’re her eldest and only surviving child,’ McGonagall tried to reason. She knew Sirius’ history, so in all likelihood she was only asking because she needed for Sirius to tell her exactly how he felt about Walburga’s sudden change of heart.

He laughed derisively. ‘I was disowned! I thought that meant I couldn’t inherit anything, least of all that torture chamber masquerading as a house.’

‘Maybe she saw the error of her ways,’ McGonagall suggested, obviously deciding that playing the devil’s advocate was paying off.

‘No, absolutely not! Her solicitor told me it’s because my idiot cousins went and got themselves married to foreigners, and it just wouldn’t do for Lady Black of Grimmauld to die intestate with no control over how the family money was spent,’ he scoffed.

‘She has no control over how you choose to spend it either,’ McGonagall pointed out. ‘You could sell the house and use the money as you see fit.’

‘I have enough as it is! You know that, it’s why I keep frustrating your plans to get me a real job,’ Sirius reminded her.

He wasn’t entirely sure, but he thought he saw the tiniest hint of a smile at the corner of McGonagall’s mouth. ‘Don’t think I’ve let you off the hook on that one, but how exactly is your getting an unwanted inheritance your fault?’

‘It’s not,’ Sirius told her, ‘but my reaction to it scared Remus away.’

‘Ah, how so?’ McGonagall asked, obviously conceding defeat on keeping talk of Remus Lupin at bay.

‘I may have got it into my head that if we were married and I had solid proof that I was irredeemably gay I might forfeit my right to the inheritance?’ he told her, the hesitation clear in his voice. McGonagall was one of a handful of people whose opinion of him mattered.

‘You proposed to him?’ McGonagall queried as if she hadn’t heard the same from Remus earlier in the week.

‘Yes. I more or less begged him to make me a Lupin. He turned me down, said he was worth more than being used as a pawn in my family’s drama. Obviously, I know this: he’s the guy who’s helped me come to terms with my sexuality once and for all, who’s brought the wonderful Teddy into my life, who does my breathing exercises with me every morning. He’s amazing and I just, I can’t cope without him, Minnie!’ Sirius exclaimed before collapsing back into his chair and shielding his eyes.

‘It’s okay to cry, Sirius. It doesn’t make you any less of a man, any more than your sexuality does,’ she reminded him, obviously choosing to ignore what he had just called her. ‘Deep breaths, that’s it,’ she spoke, rubbing his back in a calming manner as she did so. She only pulled away once he looked up, brushing the last of his tears away.

‘Do you want to hear my professional opinion? I’m pretty sure you won’t like it,’ she warned him.

Sirius shrugged. He’d take anything to make the pain in his chest go away.

‘Remus was your first love, and that’s an intense, intoxicating experience. I don’t think there’s anything worse than the feeling when that first experience of love breaks down. However, your saying that you feel incapable of living a normal, healthy life without him scares me. I have warned you about your tendency to hero-worship Mr Potter in the past, and it appears you have elevated Mr Lupin to a similar position in your mind. You feel indebted to James because you believe he is responsible for your physical escape from your parents’ abuse, and I worry that you feel Remus is the cause of your emotional liberation. What you fail to realise Sirius, is that in both cases you are the main actor, they are merely supporting characters in your life. You were the one who decided to leave, James’ family merely reacted to that in the best possible way. You were the one who chose to open up to Mr Lupin instead of ignoring him in the way you have countless others, because you felt ready. Until you understand that, you cannot have a healthy, balanced relationship,’ McGonagall concluded.

Sirius said nothing, though his shoulders shook as he resumed sobbing. McGonagall silently handed him a box of tissues. Once he was quiet again, McGonagall continued.

‘So going back to the matter of your inheritance. You don’t want it because it ties you to the Black family and to a history of abuse that you’ve made great progress moving on from, right?’

Sirius nodded. McGonagall smiled and he grew wary.

‘This is the point where I’m going to suggest you get a job again,’ she warned him. ‘Take the money and use it for good.’

‘None of that makes any sense,’ Sirius told her.

‘I’m proposing that you take the inheritance left to you and use it to piss on your mother’s grave. Imagine her reaction if you used the Black family fortune to help kids like yourself who have suffered abuse simply because of who they like or how they identify! Create somewhere safe for them where they can talk or just be themselves for five minutes with no-one to judge,’ McGonagall suggested. ‘I know a project like that already exists in London, but why can’t Bristol be next? You could make it happen, Sirius.’

The more Sirius thought about it, the more he liked the idea. 

Having such a large project to focus on did help distract Sirius for long stretches of time, but there were still many occasions where he would come home excited to share his progress with Remus, only to remember a second too late that Remus was gone. Those days would crush him, leaving him feeling horribly empty for the rest of the evening. Mornings too were difficult, waking up expecting to feel Remus’ weight next to him and finding nothing instead. 

Still, he forced himself to get up and get on with the plan. The first order of business was to sell Grimmauld Place. This turned out a little uglier than he’d anticipated: somehow his cousin Bellatrix found out and kept harassing Sirius, hurling abuse down the phone on a regular basis. Had she been capable of discussing the sale in a civil manner, Sirius might have been willing to sell her the house. As it was, he instructed his estate agents to ignore any offer emanating from his estranged family members, no matter how high. Once that was dealt with, he could focus on finding a place to host the kids. 

He chose to concentrate on an area near the school where Remus taught. This was not because he was a glutton for punishment, as James so kindly put it, but because it made sense to base a service aimed primarily at secondary school kids around a secondary school and Remus happened to teach at the one nearest his home. Of course, the temptation to lie in wait for Remus at the end of the school day was always there, but Sirius wasn’t sure he could face hearing Remus tell him they were over for good quite yet. The school year was almost finished anyway, so Remus would be long gone before Sirius became a regular feature around this part of the city. 

By the time he had found a suitable space and all the formalities had been completed, it was already mid-August. He decided to leave the interiors bare for the time being in order to give the kids who came something to focus on, and an opportunity to make the place their own. For want of a better name, he chose to call the club Padfoot’s, thinking it sounded reasonably cool and was unlikely to draw unwanted attention from a more bigoted crowd, at least at first. Knowing he could not run Padfoot’s completely by himself, he put an ad in the local volunteering centre asking for help. A large part of him had been convinced this plan of action was a terrible idea, that nobody would be interested in helping homosexual adolescents, but the thought of incurring McGonagall’s disappointment if he didn’t go through with this spurred him on. The positive response was almost overwhelming.

He held the interviews in the old warehouse he had chosen as the site for Padfoot’s and finally settled on his three collaborators. Marlene McKinnon had only come out as asexual a few years previously, having lacked access to the information she needed to understand herself up until then. It was her desire to avoid seeing others feeling as lost as she had which had pushed her to respond to Sirius’ ad. Gideon Prewett was Bristol born and bred, the product of one of those old, traditional West Country families. As Sirius well knew, the trouble with old families was their old-fashioned views: when Gideon had told his family that he was bisexual, reactions ranged from ‘maybe it’s just a phase,’ through ‘you had better pick a girl to settle down with,’ all the way to silent denial. He said he wanted to join because he wished he had had a safe place to come on the days when dealing with his family’s lack of acceptance was too much for him. Finally, there was Dori Meadowes. Dori had come in and immediately commented on the lack of décor, smiling broadly at him when he told them he had wanted to give the kids a project, let them decorate it as they wished so it could really be theirs. Something about Dori’s serene nature drew him to them, made him want to tell them he was helping to raise his stepchild in a genderless way, but he remembered just in time that maybe Teddy wasn’t his to be proud of anymore.

Soon, Dori set about designing the flyers they would post around the neighbourhood and hand out to the school. Too scared to approach Remus, he let Marlene go through the official channels on his behalf. He felt braver in front of McGonagall, handing her a poster with the same eager yet slightly nervous excitement he had seen in Regulus on handing over some work of art he’d made for them in school, desperate to please yet fearful that it wouldn’t be enough. He almost cried when she pinned his poster up on her noticeboard and told him how proud she was of all the progress he’d made in just three short months.

Still, it wasn’t enough. The sad truth of it all was that three months down the line he was still hopelessly in love with Remus Lupin, and yet nowhere near brave enough to call him. In all the ways that mattered, Sirius had made no progress at all.


	23. Duty of Care

It seemed unfair, Remus thought, that Sirius appeared to be thriving in the three months they had been separated. There was no doubt in Remus’ mind that Padfoot’s belonged to Sirius: the choice of name and the target audience were too closely connected to be coincidental. What was worse, was that nobody had told him and he had to find out for himself on the first day of the new school year, just as he was starting to feel somewhere near normal again.

He had spent most of the summer holiday back in Wales after McGonagall had pointed out that although his reaction had been justified, it was her opinion that he would not have taken it quite so badly had he not already been on a downswing. When he protested that he would have noticed the onset of a depressive episode, she reminded him that with a new baby, the exam period coming up and Sirius’ conflicted response to his mother’s death, it was not inconceivable that he had pushed thoughts of his own well-being to the side so that he could be there for those who needed him. 

‘Are you okay, Sir?’ Olivia asked him as she walked in to find him staring unblinking at the poster which had been hidden inside the register along with all the usual administrative papers the new year required.

He smiled reassuringly at her. ‘Yes, thank you. Something just caught my attention, that’s all.’ Although he had vowed to be honest with his class about his illness he did not want to start the new year on a negative note, especially as he was now on the mend. 

Slowly, the rest of his tutor group trickled in and he let them fill him in on all the exciting adventures they had had over the course of the holiday. When the bell rang to signal the official start of the school day, he did the register before handing out homework diaries and timetables so that they could fill in their classes as appropriate. Once the level of chat rose again, he decided he could no longer ignore the poster. 

‘Who remembers the topic of discussion during Tutor Time the week I returned from paternity leave?’ he began.

‘Wasn’t that the one about sexuality and gender identity?’ Will asked and Remus flashed him a genuine smile, pleased that someone had listened to him. 

‘Exactly. Now, in amongst all the boring administrative stuff, there was also a poster advertising a new youth club aimed specifically at people your age who are possibly starting to have questions, or those who think they know who they are but feel they can’t come out for whatever reason, or who have already done so and not received the reaction they’d hoped for. It’s supposed to be a safe space where you can just hang out and be yourselves. I’m not going to ask if anyone here is interested, but I’m going to put it up on our noticeboard just in case, and I hope that you know that I’m here and fully supportive of all of you if you do want to talk,’ he finished, brandishing the poster for them all to see before putting it back down on his desk for later.

Thankfully, the resumption of lessons meant he did not have time to think about the poster until the morning break. Picking it up again once his classroom had emptied, he let himself feel guilty for not contacting Sirius all summer. The fact it had been on McGonagall’s advice, and that Sirius had made no effort to reach him either, did not make him feel any better. 

He knows he’ll have to pluck up the courage to call Sirius eventually: he left in rather a hurry and his piano is still there waiting to be picked up, being too impractical to take with him as he shuttled backwards and forwards between Wales and Kingsley’s place. Until he finds a new flat of his own, the piano stays with Sirius as a reminder, as a promise that when he feels strong enough they will have to talk. He had thought he was almost there, but this poster has thrown him. 

He was startled out of his thoughts by the knock on his door. Without waiting for an invitation, Dumbledore walked in.

‘Ah, I see you’ve discovered the Padfoot posters,’ Dumbledore noted, smiling. Hearing his boss use such an intimate nickname so casually jarred and Remus finally looked up, disorientated. 

‘Yes,’ he acknowledged, not trusting himself to say anything more.

Dumbledore frowned. ‘Is everything alright? I would have thought you’d be much more enthusiastic about something like this.’

‘I think it’s fantastic,’ he said truthfully. Crushingly, heartbreakingly wonderful evidence that Sirius had moved on and conquered all his demons. ‘How did you hear about it?’

‘One of the volunteers rang the office, Marlene I think she said her name was,’ Dumbledore told him.

Remus reconsidered the possibility that this had nothing to do with Sirius. After all, Sirius did not know anyone by the name of Marlene, and although Remus knew first-hand that Sirius had made progress at letting new people into his life, he could not imagine him trusting them with something as personally significant as this project. 

‘Has anyone been to check it out?’ he asked before he could think better of it. 

‘We haven’t had the time, but Marlene assured me all the volunteers have been DBS checked.’

‘We have a duty of care, Albus!’ Remus protested. ‘These are vulnerable young people and we have a responsibility to keep them safe.’ Maybe his depression was making him assume the worst, but in fairness, few knew better than him that the worst was a very real possibility. He would be damned if he let anyone under his watch suffer what he had through negligence. 

Dumbledore gave one of his infuriatingly enigmatic smiles. ‘Are you volunteering?’

Remus sighed. ‘I’ll go at lunch,’ he agreed.

‘Great. Now, how was your summer holiday? How’s Teddy?’ Dumbledore asked, as if the conversation of the last five minutes had not happened at all.

He kept his word, though the thought of bumping into Sirius filled him with dread. Part of him was convinced that Sirius’ continued silence was evidence that the other man had realised how much better he could do, that someone like him could have anyone he wanted and didn’t have to settle for an average-looking single father with mental health issues. Maybe he’d found someone already and it had been that person who had helped him set up Padfoot’s.

He rang the doorbell and a man’s voice he didn’t recognise came over the intercom. Remus’ heart sank as all his worst fears seemed to be realised. Still, he wasn’t here to spy on Sirius, and he couldn’t very well go back to the school empty-handed having made such a big deal about investigating the place.

‘Hi, I’m here from the local secondary school. We got some of your posters and I’d like to know a bit more about the place,’ he told the voice honestly.

‘Oh, that’s great!’ the voice replied excitedly. ‘Come on up, I’ll just buzz you in.’ He heard the buzz and click of the door unlocking and pushed. As he made his way through the entrance he was greeted by a stocky redhead in his early thirties.

‘Hello! I’m Gideon,’ he spoke, confirming he was the man attached to the voice Remus had just heard.

‘Remus,’ he responded as they shook hands.

‘Nice to meet you, Remus.’

If Gideon minded the fact that Remus did not return the platitude, he didn’t let it show. He guided them through the building full of enthusiasm for the project. Remus spotted a couple of Sixth Formers chatting with another volunteer that Gideon referred to as Dori and was reminded once more why he was there. Truth be told everything he had seen so far had been very encouraging and he was sad that nothing like it had existed ten years ago, when he had been the one struggling with his orientation, half convinced it was the result of the things he had suffered at the hands of Fenrir Greyback. 

‘And this is Sirius’ office,’ Gideon informed him, bringing him back to the present with a jolt. ‘I’ll leave you to it, unless you want something to drink? Tea? Coffee?’

Swallowing thickly, Remus shook his head. ‘No, thank you.’

‘Alright then. Hope to see you around here again soon!’ Gideon told him before walking away and leaving him alone in front of Sirius’ office door. Gathering all his courage, he knocked.

Sirius’ voice inviting him in sent shivers down his spine, the confirmation of Sirius’ involvement making him feel both proud and horribly inadequate at the same time. Taking a deep breath, he turned the handle and pushed the door open. 

‘Hello, Sirius.’


	24. If You Must

Once Sirius had got over the initial shock of seeing Remus stood in his doorway, the talk went rather smoothly, focusing as it did on Sirius’ plans for the centre and the safeguards in place to ensure the well-being of its teenaged beneficiaries. Remus made no effort to delve into their past, and Sirius, overjoyed by the fact of Remus’ sudden reappearance here of all places was almost happy to let him. Right up until the moment when Remus glanced at his watch.

Making an apologetic face in Sirius’ direction, Remus said ‘I’ve got to go, classes start again in ten minutes. You should be proud of all you’ve done here though.’ The last statement was punctuated with a shy smile and Sirius knew there was no way he could leave things like this, with no guarantees as to when he’d next see Remus.

‘Moony,’ he began. ‘Could we go for a drink later?’ he asked.

Remus, who had got up and turned towards the door, pivoted so they were facing each other once more. The troubled look on his face made Sirius nervous.

‘Look, we need to talk about what happened. It’s been three months and half your stuff is still at mine,’ he stated, knowing he was almost begging and deciding he didn’t care.

Remus sighed. ‘You’re right,’ he admitted. 

Sirius smiled. ‘You finish at five-thirty, yeah? Shall I come pick you up?’ He reasoned that by then most of the teenagers would be on their way home, unwilling to arouse suspicion by missing dinner. Dori and Gid would be able to cope with those who stayed behind.

‘How about I meet you in the Dragon for quarter-to-six?’ Remus reasoned that the pub would be a neutral venue with enough post-work patrons to drown out their conversation. It was within walking distance of both the school and Padfoot’s and in this way he hoped to avoid giving Sirius false hope that they could simply go back to the way things were.

Sirius nodded his assent and Remus took that as his cue to get back to work. Sirius spent the rest of the afternoon hiding from his colleagues, well aware that his nervous state would arouse suspicious and could lead to questions he did not want to deal with just yet. When half-five rolled around he made a hasty exit and headed for the pub.

He spotted Remus agitatedly flicking through a copy of the local paper. It reassured him to see that he wasn’t the only one feeling nervous about this meeting. As he mused on this, he noted the barmaid coming over to Remus’ table with a cup of something warm. Remus glanced up and smiled at her in thanks, before spotting Sirius in the doorway. Not wanting to make this anymore awkward than it had to be Sirius headed over to him.

‘Hey,’ he greeted, hoping his voice would not betray his nerves.

‘Hi,’ Remus responded pleasantly. ‘You’re not getting anything to drink?’ he queried as Sirius went to sit down opposite him.

Sirius blushed. ‘I forgot, sorry. What is it you’re drinking?’ If Remus was drinking coffee, he’d feel out of place ordering beer.

For some reason, this question seemed to embarrass Remus, whose cheeks also began to redden. ‘Ah, nothing stronger than peppermint tea at the moment,’ he finally confessed. ‘Order what you want though, I don’t mind.’

It took Sirius half a second to realise why Remus was embarrassed and he was ashamed when it finally clicked. Not wanting to cause a scene he refrained from commenting straightaway, merely smiling before going to the bar and ordering himself a latte. 

‘Which one is it this time?’ he asked as he slid himself back in his seat.

‘Down,’ Remus told him. ‘McGonagall reckons I’m almost recovered, but I don’t want to risk it.’

Sirius did the calculations in his head and looked away, shamefaced. ‘Was it because of, you know,’ he asked, feeling horribly ineloquent.

‘No. It was happening before, but I was trying to ignore it because there was so much going on at the time,’ Remus told him, his tone reassuring. It only made Sirius feel worse.

‘Oh God,’ he moaned, covering his face with his hands. ‘I’m sorry Remus, I should have noticed.’

Remus shrugged. ‘As I said, you had your own problems to be dealing with.’

‘Still, what kind of shitty boyfriend is so self-absorbed that they don’t realise the man they love is suffering?’ 

Instead of answering, Remus took another sip of his tea. Thankfully, the awkwardness was broken by the waitress coming over with Sirius’ drink.

‘You could have had a beer you know,’ Remus told him.

Sirius shrugged. ‘I know, but it would have felt weird. Coffee’s fine.’

‘That’s not real coffee and you know it,’ Remus teased. ‘That’s McGonagall-approved “if you must” coffee.’

Sirius squirmed, ashamed at having been caught out. ‘I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. Alright?’ he admitted begrudgingly.  
Remus nodded. ‘Alright.’

They drank in silence for a bit until Sirius could take no more. ‘How’s Teddy? And Dora?’ It was relatively safe territory to start on, and besides, he genuinely wanted to know.

Remus smiled. ‘Dora’s okay, looking forward to starting work again next month. Childcare’s going to cost quite a bit but we should be able to cover it between us. Teddy’s amazing. They’ve started making real sounds now, keeps trying to say “boo” back when we play with them.’ It warmed Sirius to note the real pride in Remus’ voice as he spoke of his child.

‘Hitting all the milestones on time then?’ he grinned despite the pain as he thought of all he’d missed.

Remus let out a relieved breath. ‘Yeah.’

‘Are you guys all living together?’ Sirius couldn’t stop himself from asking.

‘No, I spent most of the summer in Cardiff and I’m staying with Kingsley right now. Dora doesn’t really have the space to put me up, and it would have been awkward without you,’ Remus confessed.

Sirius couldn’t help his heart soaring at the news. He hadn’t known until that moment that he had been worried about the possibility of Remus and Dora making a real go of things now he was out of the way.

‘I should really start looking for somewhere new: Kingsley’s been great, he always is, but I don’t want to take the piss,’ Remus continued, apparently oblivious to Sirius’ current emotional state.

Sirius thought about inviting him to come back and stay with him, but desisted at the last minute. If moving in with Dora had seemed too awkward even though they had repeatedly confirmed that there was no lingering interest on either side, there was no way Remus would agree to move back in with him just yet.

‘If you really want rid of the piano I can always see about getting it transported back to Wales,’ Remus offered.

‘No, it’s okay. Wouldn’t know what to do with the space it would free up, now,’ he tried to sound light-hearted.

Remus smiled gratefully. 

They finished their drinks in silence, leaving Sirius the time to go over everything that had been said. ‘You mentioned you were worried about the cost of childcare?’  
‘Yeah. Childminders who do regular hours are expensive enough as it is and CID doesn’t exactly operate on a nine-to-five schedule. I would love to be able to say I would cover her for evenings and weekends, but I’m not exactly the most reliable, am I?’ Remus explained.

‘I’ll do it,’ Sirius offered without thinking. Surprised, Remus laughed.

‘Don’t be daft. You’ve got Padfoot’s now, you won’t have the time.’

‘That’s why I’ve hired a gang of people to help me run it, so I can make the time,’ Sirius insisted. ‘For seven months, I shared in the nerves and the excitement as we waited for Teddy’s arrival. For two months, I loved them as if they were my own. I’ve never felt anything like it, not even with Harry. Then I had to overreact to the last of my mother’s dirty tricks and blow it all. I’ve missed you, but I’ve missed Teddy just as much. The two of you, and even Dora to a certain extent, are my family like no-one’s ever been. The Blacks- well, that’s a joke, and the Potters have their own lives to lead as McGonagall keeps telling me. It was her idea I set up Padfoot’s, it gave me something to do with my mother’s money and it kept me distracted from the pain of losing you and Teddy when it was at its worst. I think it’s brilliant, but it does not come before the pair of you.’ 

Remus could not stop the tears from falling. ‘I’m so sorry, Sirius. I didn’t know. I’ll talk to Dora, I’m sure she’ll be grateful for the offer of help.’

Sirius gave him a watery smile in return.

They were momentarily spared from saying anything else to each other by their waitress coming over and asking if they wanted to order anything else. Mindful that the bigger issue of where exactly their relationship stood had yet to be touched upon, they asked for the same again.

‘So,’ Sirius began, aware they needed to talk about it but not really wanting to be the one to start. 

Remus looked him directly in the eye, but said nothing. 

Sirius sighed, begrudgingly accepting he would have to do this the hard way. ‘If I took back the proposal, if we pretended it didn’t happen, could we go back to how things were?’

To his credit, Remus did look like he was giving the suggestion some thought. Eventually, he spoke. ‘I don’t think we can,’ he said, breaking Sirius’ heart.  
Before he knew it, Sirius was scrambling to get up, get away, before he fell apart and had a panic attack right here in the pub in front of Remus and all these strangers. Only the feeling of Remus’ warm hand on top of his own where it rested on the table stopped him. He took a deep breath.

‘Please, Sirius. Stay, let me explain,’ Remus begged, his eyes wide and full of sorrow. 

Sirius could not deny him. Slowly, he did as he was told.

‘Do you remember what you asked of me when we first met?’ Remus asked him, his voice tender. 

Sirius shook his head.

‘You said you wanted to move slowly, because you were new at this. I agreed, because I wanted you so badly, but I wasn’t in a position to offer that to you at the time. Within two months you’d agreed to take on not only a lover with a serious mental illness but also his unborn child and that child’s mother. Five months in and you’d asked us all to move in. Do you realise we’ve never even had a proper date?’ Remus concluded his convoluted explanation.

‘That’s not true, we went swimming that time,’ Sirius countered, a little unsure of Remus’ point.

‘Doesn’t count, I had an ulterior motive. I was testing to see whether you’d be repulsed by the sight of me,’ Remus reminded him. ‘Anyway, what I’m saying is we’ve been swept up in a tidal-wave of events which hasn’t allowed us the time to really get to know each other.’

Sirius thought of McGonagall’s repeated warnings about putting Remus up on a pedestal, about becoming dependant and failing to see that Remus was human and just as flawed as himself. For the first time, he considered that maybe she had a point. It wasn’t that he thought any less of Remus, but maybe he had been guilty of falling in love with the idea of him, and not the man who sat opposite him right now. 

‘So, you want us to start dating?’ Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head. ‘No, not yet. I want us to see if we can be friends first. If we don’t have that, if we start dating straight away we risk getting carried away again without learning anything and we’ll make the same mistakes all over again. I can’t let that happen now I have Teddy to think about.’

Sirius took a deep breath. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew Remus was right, and even if they never made it past the friendship stage again, surely that was better than not having Remus in his life at all?

‘Alright,’ he stated, his voice barely above a whisper. ‘I can do that.’

Remus smiled. ‘Thank you.’

They didn’t linger long after that, paying for their drinks and walking out into the cool night air. Remus promised he’d let him know about Teddy as soon as possible before making his way to the bus stop. Sirius got on his bike and headed out of the city, desperate for the comfort of the Potters’ home.


	25. Debuts

The Potters welcomed him with open arms, as they had countless times before. He slept in his old room, actually managing to doze off for a couple of hours before being startled awake by the sound of Lily Potter clearing her voice. Loudly.

‘Bloody Hell, Evans!’ he complained, attempting to bury himself in the duvet. Lily grabbed it and pulled it down.

‘Nope. You’re not moping over some bloke, not on my watch. Are you going to go to work today?’ she asked.

Thinking over his behaviour the previous day, he knew Dori and Gid would have questions. Questions he did not want to deal with right now. Telling James and Lily had been easier: they were family and they accepted him as he was. His colleagues barely knew him, and he didn’t want to start the bonding process by discussing his broken heart.

He groaned.

‘No? In that case, you’re back on Harry duty. You know the drill: get him up, prepare breakfast, make sure he’s put his jumper on right and tied his shoelaces, drop him off at school before nine, do whatever exercises you need to do to keep your mind off Remus Lupin for a few hours, eat a real lunch, pick Harry up at three-thirty and keep him occupied until six when James comes home,’ she told him. The look on her face let Sirius know there’d be no room for argument. 

He could do that, he told himself. He could pretend to be back in a simpler time before meeting Remus, when Harry was his entire world. Just until the end of the week. He promised himself that he would be back at the centre by Saturday, when they anticipated the majority of the kids would turn up. By waiting until Saturday, he hoped Gideon and Dori would have forgotten all about his weird behaviour in their concern for his physical health, or at least that Marlene’s presence would dissuade them from pursuing the matter too intensely. 

‘Alright. What time is it?’ he asked.

‘Six. I have to run, long shift in the haematology lab today,’ she informed him. Having passed the foundation programme, Lily had been kept on at the North Bristol Trust for her core training, starting with a four-month attachment to the haematology department. A long shift meant she wouldn’t be home before seven that evening. With the cricket season yet to come to an end, it was no surprise that Lily had asked him to look after Harry.

‘What do you do when I’m not there to boss around?’ he grumbled.

‘Molly Weasley is a godsend,’ Lily explained before leaving him to get ready.

Sirius spent four days looking after Harry, almost as if the last year or so had never happened. He forced himself to spend the day doing his exercises, cooking himself healthy meals at lunchtime and generally doing all he could to pretend that everything was going to be alright. He ordered paint supplies and enough food to feed an army, ready for Saturday when he hoped enough people would come that they could start decorating Padfoot’s and making it the safe space he hoped it would eventually become.

Saturday morning saw him back at work bright and early, ready to accept his deliveries. He had already been there for an hour when Marlene arrived, a serious look on her face.

‘Dori told me you’ve been skiving off most of the week,’ she said by way of greeting.

Sirius blushed. ‘I’ve not been well,’ he countered, though his heart wasn’t really in it.

Marlene gave him a look which told him she knew very well that there was more to it, so he was relieved when she said ‘it’s ok, Gid told me more than I care to know about your mysterious visitor on Tuesday. As far as I’m concerned, your relationships are your business and yours alone.’

Sirius spluttered a thank you, which he regretted almost instantly as she warned him that Dori and Gideon might not be so courteous. 

Together, they put up the temporary decorations and moved tables into the main hall, ready to distribute the food. Dori came by at that point, looking relieved to see him back.

‘Hey, Boss!’ they smiled. ‘Glad you could make it.’

‘You thought I’d miss Padfoot’s grand unveiling?’ he retorted playfully, happy to see that Dori had opted to avoid a real confrontation. 

‘Didn’t think it likely, but you never know,’ Dori told him. Mentally, Sirius conceded that this was probably fair. After all, he had spent the entire week in hiding.

No more was said about what happened on Monday or Sirius’ absence since, and once the first of the children started arriving, Sirius was too busy offering food and explaining his plans for Padfoot’s to worry about it. By lunchtime, they had about a dozen kids decorating the walls of the main hall, making it their own.

‘It’s going well, isn’t it?’ Sirius asked his colleagues.

‘I’d say,’ Gideon agreed, having just arrived in anticipation of an afternoon rush. ‘How about we go out and celebrate afterwards? You can bring that nice teacher if you like.’

Sirius didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to talk about Remus, but he couldn’t think of a way out without explaining everything that had gone on between them.

Quietly, he said ‘I don’t think that would be a good idea, we just broke up.’

‘What did he do that was so bad you ended it within a week?’ Gideon exclaimed.

Sirius sighed. ‘Not a week. We’ve been together on and off for over a year, mostly on.’

‘How come you never mentioned him before?’ Dori asked, obviously surprised.

‘We were on a break. I did something stupid, and he had some health issues he was dealing with, so we hadn’t spoken in a few months. I created Padfoot’s partly as a distraction,’ he confessed.

‘What did you do?’ Gideon asked, evidently unaware of Sirius’ discomfort.

‘Asked him to marry me as a final “fuck you” to my abusive, homophobic mother,’ he told them eventually. 

He saw them wince and heard the collective intake of breath.

‘Guess he didn’t take it well then,’ Marlene said, finally breaking the awkward silence.

‘Better than I have any right to expect, really. He says that we rushed things and we need to take a step back, give ourselves time to get to know each other,’ Sirius explained.

‘So, in the meantime can you date other people?’ Dori asked.

Sirius stared at them. The thought of seeing anyone else had never crossed his mind. He wasn’t sure it was something that he wanted. ‘I don’t know. I guess so?’ 

‘Leave him alone, Dori. He’s obviously not ready,’ Marlene chastised them.

‘Sorry Sirius. I was only asking because personally, I hate these vague “maybe one day, if the stars align” type endings,’ Dori told him truthfully. 

‘You know what the first step on the road to recovery is though, don’t you Sirius?’ Gideon asked, a sly grin on his face.

‘No?’

‘Going out for a few drinks with friends,’ Gideon insisted, bringing the conversation round full circle.

Maybe it would be nice to get to know his volunteers outside of work. It would certainly keep him distracted from thoughts of Remus for a few more hours, and that couldn’t be a bad thing.

‘Alright, let’s go out this evening and celebrate a successful launch,’ he decided. 

That was how he found himself making his debut on the Old Market scene. Remus had mentioned the Tavern a few times but Sirius had invariably resisted, still convinced word would get back to his mother. Now, that was no longer an issue as he ate in the company of his colleagues.

He could see why Remus liked the place: it was cosy and full of history, having been built in the 18th century. He felt a slight twinge of guilt at the thought that his anxiety had denied them the possibility of enjoying this place together, coming here at evenings and weekends as a couple. In a slight moment of panic, he looked around to see if Remus was present, but the coast was clear. 

‘So, anyone fancy hitting the bars?’ Gideon suggested once their plates were cleared.

Marlene rolled her eyes. 

‘Oh, come on Mar, it’s Saturday! Just thought as this work outing was going so well, we could carry on a bit longer, show Sirius some of the sights,’ Gid explained, though from the dubious looks Marlene and Dori were throwing him, Sirius was reasonably sure it wasn’t the whole truth.

‘Yeah. Might as well see a bit more of the night-life now that I’ve finally managed to make it over here, right?’ He reasoned, not wanting the evening to descend into an argument.

‘Alright then!’ Gideon exclaimed excitedly. ‘Let’s go.’

They walked a few paces up the road, entering one of the many bars that lined the street. After a few drinks, Gid inevitably found his way onto the dance floor and seemed to be having a pleasant enough time dancing up close and personal with another guy. Eventually, Dori also joined the fray, although they seemed more interested in the dancing than any potential suitors.

‘Are you alright?’ Sirius turned to Marlene, who had gone strangely quiet.

Marlene smiled. ‘Yeah, it’s just not really my kind of place. It would be alright if it was just about the dancing, but there’s always someone who sees your presence on the dancefloor as an invitation.’

‘I’m sure Dori wouldn’t mind it if you joined them,’ Sirius pointed out. 

They looked over to where Dori was seemingly having the time of their life, dancing wildly out of sync with the music, causing Marlene to laugh.

‘I’m not sure I’d be able to keep up!’

‘You’ll be fine. Go on, you know you want to,’ Sirius encouraged her.

Marlene looked like she was considering it. ‘What about you?’ she asked.

‘Does anybody really want to see my dad dancing? I’ll lose all my cool points,’ he argued.

‘You lost them just by referring to them, come on!’ she told him, before grabbing his hand and dragging him along beside her.

It was fun for a while, as the three of them danced together, not taking anything too seriously. Eventually though, Sirius had to stop in order to get another drink with which to quench his thirst. He told them to carry on before making his way back toward the bar.

‘I saw you dancing just now,’ the person stood next to him began. Objectively speaking, he was quite handsome, with wavy blond hair and a nice smile.

Sirius blushed. ‘Ah, not my finest hour,’ he conceded.

‘I could teach you,’ the man offered. 

‘Really?’ 

‘Yeah, I was South West Regional Under-16 Latin Champion, didn’t you know?’ the blond informed him.

‘In that case, wouldn’t you rather be dancing with someone who knows what they’re doing?’ Sirius asked him, equal parts impressed and embarrassed.

‘Where’s the fun in that?’ the stranger winked, before leading him back out onto the dancefloor.

The stranger held him close, whispering instructions in his ear, which Sirius tried to follow. He was almost getting the hang of it when he thought he heard the stranger tell him he had beautiful eyes. Stumbling, he looked up from his feet to verify that the stranger had indeed said what he thought. There was no denying the hunger, the desire reflected back at him. When the stranger moved closer, he did not resist. He knew it was cheap, that he’d probably regret it soon enough, but right now it just felt nice to know that someone wanted him. 

The regret came sooner than he’d anticipated. There was none of the tenderness he had become accustomed to with Remus: the stranger appeared to be intent on chewing his lips off. Suddenly missing Remus terribly, he pulled away, mumbling something about needing a piss. He needed to find the others and get away, fast. 

‘I could come with you,’ the stranger suggested, a flirtatious smile on his lips.

‘That’s okay, really,’ he told the stranger as he backed away.

It didn’t take him too much searching to find Dori and Marlene still dancing together, though they stopped as he approached, obviously sensing something was wrong.

‘Everything alright, Boss?’ Dori asked him.

‘I want to go home, now,’ he told them. 

‘What happened?’ Marlene replied, frowning with concern.

‘Nothing, I’m just not in the mood anymore.’

‘Alright, we’ll just tell Gid and then we can go,’ Marlene decided, taking charge of the situation.

Gideon, still enjoying the company of his earlier conquest, waved them off distractedly as they said their goodbyes.

‘Do you want us to come home with you?’ Marlene asked.

Part of him felt he should probably be embarrassed to admit it, but the thought of going back to his flat alone filled him with dread. Swallowing his pride, he nodded.

‘Might as well get a cab then,’ Dori suggested.

Once they were back home, Dori sat with him on the sofa while Marlene made the tea.

‘So, what did Lockhart do to you?’ they asked.

‘You know him?’ Sirius asked, surprised.

‘Well, I know who he is, can’t say we’re personally acquainted. He had reasonable success writing sub-par gothic romances when they were all the rage ten years ago,’ Dori explained.

‘Oh. He didn’t do anything, honestly. He kissed me, and I thought it would be good, kissing someone who wasn’t Remus, help me get over him. But,’ he paused, trying to stop himself from crying.

‘But he wasn’t Remus,’ Dori finished for him as Marlene handed him his cup of tea.

‘Yeah,’ he sighed brokenly.

‘I’d have loved to have seen Lockhart’s face when you ran away, don’t think he’s used to people rejecting him,’ Marlene told him, amused. 

‘Thanks, you two. I know I pretty much spoiled your evening,’ Sirius said, the guilt hitting him now that the tea had soothed his nerves.

‘Nonsense. I didn’t even want to go to the stupid bar in the first place, remember?’ Marlene pointed out. 

‘Anyway, that’s what friends are for, right?’ Dori added, nudging him gently in the shoulder, careful not to spill his tea.

He smiled gratefully. ‘So, um, sleeping arrangements. There’s the sofa, we can pull that out into a bed and then there’s one in the nursery,’ he informed them.

‘Why do you have a nursery?’ Marlene asked him.

‘Remus has a kid, Teddy,’ he explained, wincing with the guilt he felt at the thought of Remus.

‘Personally, I’m in the mood to be one slice of bread in a Sirius sandwich,’ Dori informed them.

‘Mm, that sounds like a good idea,’ Marlene agreed, sounding sleepy.

Words could not express how grateful he felt to have these two looking out for him right now. He reasoned that his bed was big enough for the three of them, and it would be nice to have someone to hold him when the tears fell. He led the way.

In the morning, they ate breakfast together before he managed to assure them he would be fine on his own for the rest of the day. Around lunchtime, he heard his phone buzz, notifying him he had a text.

_Hey, it’s Remus. I spoke to Dora earlier and she says she’s happy for you to see Teddy whenever you want. She’s going to Edinburgh next weekend for her cousin’s hen do, so I’ll have Teddy all weekend if you want to join us. I’ll be staying at Dora’s for convenience’s sake. Hope to see you then, understand if you’re not ready yet._

Oh shit, Sirius thought. How could he face Remus now?


	26. Questions

‘I kissed someone,’ were the first words Sirius addressed to him as he opened the door mid-morning on Sunday. 

A deflated ‘oh,’ sound was all Remus could manage in response as he let Sirius in, his arms working of their own volition even as his heart screamed at him to slam the door in Sirius’ face.

Sirius looked upset. ‘That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say?’ he asked, his voice rising as he marched towards the lounge.

‘What do you want me to say, Sirius?’ He tried to keep his voice steady. He was not going to let Sirius see he was hurt by the speed with which he’d moved on. Knowing Sirius, he would only feel guilty and Remus didn’t want that.

‘I don’t know! Tell me it’s too soon, ask if I cared about you at all, be jealous! Aren’t you even curious as to who it was? Or how good it felt?’ Sirius collapsed onto the sofa, his frustration evident.

‘I won’t, because it’s not my place: only you can decide whether you’re moving on too quickly. I’m not going to ask if you cared about me, I know you did, that was never the problem. Whether or not I’m jealous, it’s not for me to burden you with. You can tell me who it was if you want, if it’ll make you feel better, but I don’t need to know it, that’s not the kind of intimacy that’s going to make us friends,’ Remus explained. This was not what he had imagined when he’d sent Sirius the invite a week ago. 

‘Gilderoy Lockhart,’ Sirius spat out petulantly. ‘It was awful, he was all teeth.’

Remus couldn’t contain the surprised laughter that burst out of him. ‘Guess he really does have a thing for vampires and werewolves, then.’

Sirius groaned, covering his face in embarrassment. ‘How does everyone know who he is but me?’

‘An ex from my uni days was really into all that stuff,’ Remus explained as he made space for himself beside Sirius. ‘I broke it off when they tried to equate my bipolar disorder with lycanthropy. I’m pretty sure I have never indulged in cannibalism while experiencing an episode,’ he added, trying to make light of it.

‘That’s pretty messed up,’ Sirius told him, looking directly at him for the first time since he’d arrived. 

‘Mm,’ Remus agreed. ‘We all make mistakes when we’re starting out in the dating game.’ It wasn’t meant to be a dig, but Sirius’ silence made Remus worry that he’d taken the comment personally. With a sigh, he resigned himself to hearing more about Gilderoy Lockhart: it would be his punishment for speaking so carelessly. ‘Go on then, how did you two meet?’

‘I went to the Village with people from the club,’ Sirius began.

‘Hold up! You can’t say that so casually as if it was an everyday thing for you. That’s huge!’ Remus interrupted him, genuinely happy with all the progress Sirius was making. A little voice in the back of his head added the traitorous words “without you”, but he pushed it aside for the time being. Today was supposed to be a good day.

Sirius shrugged, as if it really were nothing. ‘My mother’s dead, there’s not really any need to be afraid anymore,’ he explained. ‘Anyway, we ended up in a bar which had an area for dancing, he came up to me as I was ordering drinks and started flirting and, well, one thing led to another.’ He blushed as he said the last bit and Remus had to fight the urge to kiss the redness from his cheek.

‘I’m glad you’re no longer scared to be yourself,’ he said instead.

Sirius smiled wide. ‘You’re really not upset?’

Slowly, Remus shook his head. ‘No, you’re a free man. It probably helps that the experience wasn’t altogether satisfying for you, but that’s just me being selfish,’ he told Sirius, deciding to be honest on this point at least.

‘Yeah, well. I think I won’t be repeating it for a while,’ Sirius replied.

‘Oh?’ 

‘Turns out, you’re not that easy to get over,’ Sirius told him. ‘I thought if I kissed someone else the pain would go away, temporarily at least. But all I could think about while it was happening was how he wasn’t you.’

As he was speaking, their bodies had gradually moved closer, until they were face to face. Realising just in time where this was headed, Remus pulled away. 

‘Right,’ he said, scratching his scalp nervously. ‘Teddy should be waking up around now if you want to go and have a look.’

Taking a moment to get his breath back under control, Sirius nodded and Remus headed for the kitchen. Slowly, Sirius got up and made his way towards the bedroom where Teddy was napping.

Remus wondered whether it had been a mistake to invite Sirius over this weekend. Maybe it was too soon and he should have waited for a time when Dora was present to lighten the mood. 

That notion was swiftly dispelled as Sirius came back out with Teddy in his arms and a broad smile on his face.

‘I think they recognised me,’ Sirius told him in an awed whisper. ‘They smiled when I came to get them.’

‘Yeah, I read somewhere that babies have better facial recognition skills than we do,’ Remus told him. Sirius smiled wider.

For the next couple of hours, all their attention was focused on Teddy as they marvelled at all growls, squeaks and gurgles the five-month old delighted in producing. Sirius pulled endless funny faces as he sought to hear Teddy’s laughter. Remus prepared a bottle and offered it to Sirius, who took it gratefully, eager for any opportunity to bond. The fun stopped around midday as Teddy grew tired and was put down for a nap.

‘They’re amazing, Remus,’ Sirius told him as they found themselves alone once more.

‘I think Dora probably had more to do with that,’ Remus replied self-deprecatingly.

‘Stop doing that!’ Sirius protested, obviously annoyed. ‘You have a disease. It does not stop you being one of the most caring and intelligent people I have ever met. Teddy loves you and I’m sure you’ll give them plenty of reasons to be grateful you’re their father as they grow up.’

Remus managed a weak smile. ‘Thank you,’ he said, genuinely grateful for the pep talk. ‘Maybe empathy’s your super-power,’ he added, a wry grin on his face.

‘What?’ Sirius asked, confused as to the reason for the sudden shift of direction.

‘I was so nervous about today that I read up on the sorts of questions you could ask if you were trying to get to know someone. Which super-power you would have was one of them,’ he admitted.

Sirius laughed, a full-bodied laugh which had him leaning back into the sofa for support. ‘I guess it’s not bad, as super-powers go,’ he said, once he had control of himself again. ‘would it extend as far as mind-control?’

‘You tell me, it’s your super-power,’ Remus told him with a shrug.

‘If I could control minds, I could have made my parents more accepting,’ Sirius reasoned. ‘Reg might still be alive.’

Remus gently nudged him with his shoulder. ‘You’re not to blame for what happened to him, you know that, right?’

‘So McGonagall says,’ Sirius replied dismissively. ‘Anyway, what would your answer be?’ he asked, pointedly changing the subject.

Remus wasn’t going to push, not today. ‘Time travel, so I could do something that would see Greyback where he belongs, so that he wouldn’t have been set free to do what he did.’ 

‘You might still have developed bipolar,’ Sirius reminded him. 

‘I know, but it would be one less shitty thing, wouldn’t it?’ he argued. ‘It’s why I didn’t go for the super-healing: because I don’t know who I am without the disease, and without it I probably wouldn’t have Teddy.’ 

‘Fair enough,’ Sirius nodded. ‘So, any more of these questions?’ he asked. 

‘There’s a few, but we should sort lunch while Teddy sleeps. How about we deal with the cooking and ask them as we eat?’ Remus suggested.

‘Sounds like a plan,’ Sirius agreed.

‘Umm, dream holiday destination?’ Remus asked, scrabbling around in his memory for the list of first date appropriate questions as they ate the semblance of a ploughman’s they had managed to cobble together from the meagre supplies Remus had added to the fridge.

‘India,’ Sirius told him without hesitation. 

‘Because of the Potters?’

‘Yeah, I guess. They’ve been so good to me, making me feel part of their family, it would be nice to make the effort to see where they came from,’ Sirius explained. ‘You?’

‘My options are limited by the time zones, so nothing as ambitious as that. Kaliningrad maybe? Home to the father of modern western philosophy, and generally an interesting insight into the major turning points of contemporary European history,’ Remus mused. ‘Go-to karaoke song?’

‘Bohemian Rhapsody,’ Sirius told him.

‘Really? Isn’t that a bit predictable for your tastes?’ Remus asked, a little disappointed. He had expected to hear Sirius tell him something more in keeping with his love of punk.

‘Oi!’ Sirius protested. ‘You haven’t seen mine and James’ version. It’s a performance,’ he said with heavy emphasis on the last word.

‘Oh, God. Remind me never to go to a karaoke bar with the pair of you. I might die of second-hand embarrassment,’ Remus spluttered out through his laughter.

‘Lily refuses to accompany us anymore,’ Sirius acknowledged. ‘What would you sing?’

‘I wouldn’t, because I’d have refused to go. Too much scope for embarrassment,’ Remus explained, smirking. 

‘That’s not fair! You’ll just have to join our uncool Queen tribute act then.’ 

The smirk fell from Remus’ face. ‘Moving swiftly on, favourite film?’

They carried on in this vein, asking questions designed to get to know each other a little better while studiously avoiding anything that could be seen as flirtatious, Teddy a welcome distraction during the two-hour windows they were awake. Once Teddy had been put to bed around seven, Sirius made his excuses and left, and Remus was grateful. It wasn’t that he hadn’t enjoyed Sirius’ company over the course of the day, but had he stayed any longer, they would have found themselves in that end-of-date territory where he might be expected to ask Sirius to stay, and though it was what he longed to do, he knew the time wasn’t right. Not yet.

He cooked himself some dinner before settling down to catch up on his marking. Just because his private life was a bit of a mess was no excuse for falling behind so early in the year. Around ten, Teddy woke for their last feed but went straight back to sleep without any fuss and Remus went back to work. Sometime around midnight he must have fallen asleep on the sofa as the next thing he knew, he was woken by the front door closing.

‘Oh, shit! Sorry Remus,’ Dora said as she realised he had been sleeping until she walked in.

‘What time is it?’ he asked her sleepily.

‘Two in the morning. Why are you on the sofa? You could have taken the bed, you know.’

‘I was catching up on work, fell asleep,’ he explained. ‘Good weekend?’

‘Yeah. It was nice to have a break, but I’m glad to be home. How was everything here?’ she asked.

‘Teddy was fine,’ Remus told her.

‘And Sirius?’ she probed. He should have known she wouldn’t let him get away with saying nothing.

Remus sighed. ‘Good. Better than I expected to be honest. It seems like his mum dying has really liberated him.’

‘I thought that was what you wanted,’ Dora queried as she sat down next to him.

‘It is, but it just hurts, knowing he’s getting better every day and in a few months, he might move on completely and realise he wasted a year by being with me. I’m homeless, I’ll probably always be ill, and as much as I love you and Teddy, it’s just more baggage to deal with, isn’t it?’ Remus asked her.

‘Come here,’ Dora said, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. ‘Let me deal with the flat-hunting. It’ll give me something to do with these last couple of weeks of maternity leave. As for the other things, anyone who thinks you’re too much doesn’t deserve you,’ she told him reassuringly. ‘When the time comes, you can bring them to me for vetting. I’ll sort out the ones that are worth it and eat the rest for breakfast.’

‘That’s quite terrifying,’ Remus pointed out, though he found he was laughing anyway.

‘Good,’ she told him. ‘Now go to bed, you’ve got school in five hours,’ she dismissed him.

He smiled gratefully at her before moving to do as he was told. Dora and Teddy might be baggage, but he was thankful to have them all the same.


	27. Sleepover

With Padfoot’s up and running, Sirius had little time to focus on the fact that he missed being with Remus. There were events to plan: football tournaments and day-trips, all designed to help the kids get to know one another. Some evenings, generally at the weekend, he would agree to accompany his colleagues on a night out, though he usually eschewed any situation which might have led to a repeat of the Lockhart debacle. 

It appeared that Remus and Dora were honest in their enthusiastic acceptance of his continuing presence in Teddy’s life. This was made clear to him in mid-October when he got an unexpected phone call from Remus.

‘Hello?’ he answered.

‘Hey, it’s Remus,’ Remus began.

‘I know,’ he teased. ‘I haven’t deleted you from my contacts yet.’

‘Funny. Listen, I have a favour to ask, you can say no if you’re busy,’ he began.

‘Go on.’

‘Well, the school have an event coming up on Thursday where we inform parents of GCSE students about their post-16 options and Dora’s got a night shift so we were wondering if you’d like to have Teddy stay over,’ Remus told him. 

Sirius could feel the smile spreading across his face. He knew they had promised he could remain a part of Teddy’s life and they had been good about inviting him over to spend family time together, but this was the first time that Teddy would be spending the night at his place without Remus being present. 

‘I’d love to,’ he told Remus honestly.

‘Really? Okay, great. Dora starts work at seven so if you could pick Teddy up from her place around six that would be brilliant.’

‘I’ll be there,’ Sirius assured him.

‘Thanks Sirius, I owe you one!’ Remus said before hanging up.

He could not stop himself smiling all day and his excitement did not go unnoticed by Dori and Gid.

‘New man?’ Dori hazarded.

‘Nope,’ he told them, smiling. ‘Better. Teddy’s coming to stay with me on Thursday.’

‘Teddy as in your ex’s kid?’ Gideon asked.

‘Yeah. Remus has some parent’s evening type thing and Dora’s working late so they asked if I wanted Teddy for the night,’ he explained. ‘That does mean I won’t be in on Friday: Remus said to drop Teddy off at nursery but I told him there was no need.’ 

‘Nothing we can’t manage,’ Dori assured him. 

He gave in to temptation and bought a new set of necessities and toys, aware that his flat was no longer fit for a baby. Having given Molly back her cot after the terrible events in June, he had to ring her up and ask for it once more. 

‘I don’t know why you do this to yourself, Sirius!’ she fussed as they brought the cot down from the attic. ‘It seems obvious to me that they’ve been stringing you along. They were careless, she got pregnant, he wasn’t man enough to do the right thing so latched on to you instead, that fell apart as soon as you asked him to commit, and now they’re taking advantage of your kind nature by asking you to look after the baby. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find out he wasn’t into men at all, just trying to find a convenient excuse to escape his responsibilities!’

‘I asked to spend more time with Teddy,’ he told her calmly.

Part of him wanted to tell her how bi-phobic she sounded and how wrong she was about Remus, but he wasn’t going to start an argument with her when she was lending him her old cot for a second time. Instead, he held his tongue long enough to put the cot in the boot of the Potters’ car before he drove off with Harry and James in order to set it back up in Teddy’s nursery. 

At six o’clock on Thursday evening, he rang the bell for Dora’s flat. 

‘Hey!’ she greeted him with a generous smile, Teddy wriggling in her arms. ‘Thanks for this. I would have asked to switch shifts but it’s only my first week back.’  
‘It’s fine honestly. I’ve been looking forward to today ever since Remus called to ask me. What’s it like being back at work?’ 

‘It’s been amazing. I love my job and after what happened with Dad, and having Teddy, it just makes it all seem even more important, you know?’ she explained. 

‘Glad to hear it. Right, shall I get this little one out of your hair?’ he asked.

‘Yeah. If you drop Teddy off at nursery in the morning, Remus will pick them up from there when he’s finished work,’ Dora explained. 

‘I don’t mind looking after Teddy for the day,’ Sirius told her. 

‘Is that so you get to see Remus?’ she asked, looking concerned.

‘No. I want to spend as much time as I can with Teddy, that’s all,’ he argued. Seeing Remus would be a bonus, but it was definitely not his main motivation. 

‘Well, be sure to let Remus know, won’t you,’ Dora told him before placing Teddy in the carrier strapped to Sirius’ back. 

‘I’ll call him when he’s done later,’ he promised as she kissed Teddy goodbye. 

There wasn’t much for Sirius to do that evening once he’d got Teddy ready for their usual seven o’clock bedtime. 

Though Teddy fussed a little at being in relatively new surroundings away from their parents, it didn’t take long for them to settle down. Around nine-thirty, he called Remus, who agreed to come and pick Teddy up from Sirius’ on Friday evening. Once that was settled he went to bed, excited for all the adventures he and Teddy would share the following day.

Teddy woke up at seven the next morning. After Sirius got them changed and ready to face the day, he placed them in the feeding chair he had bought in preparation. The whole breakfast routine was new, a sign of how much Teddy had already grown in his absence. For one, Teddy was now sitting up quite comfortably with the support provided by the high chair he had bought during his earlier shopping spree. Secondly, gone were the bottles of expressed milk, replaced with cups of formula and plastic bowls of cereal and squished banana.

Together they practiced making new sounds and Sirius delighted in the sound of Teddy’s giggles and babbling nonsense. They read stories together, Sirius having picked up a book with lots of different textures for Teddy to explore. They went for a stroll in the park when Sirius decided he’d had enough of being cooped up in the flat. 

At fife-thirty, he heard a knock on his door.

‘Hiya,’ Remus said as Sirius let him in. ‘I hope Teddy’s been behaving?’

‘It’s been great,’ Sirius confirmed, his smile wide. ‘I’m almost tempted not to give them back.’

‘I think you’ll find that’s a criminal offence. It’s called kidnapping,’ Remus teased. 

‘Shame. So how long is Teddy staying with you?’

‘Until Saturday evening probably. Dora has another shift tonight,’ Remus explained. 

‘Fair enough. How are you, anyway?’ Sirius tried to sound casual, but he wasn’t sure he’d quite managed it.

Remus smiled. ‘Good. Dora found me a nice little place not too far from hers, so I’m no longer taking up space at Kingsley’s.’

‘And you haven’t organised a housewarming party?’ Sirius asked, outraged.

Remus shrugged. ‘Didn’t see the point really. Dora’s obviously seen the place as she found it, Kingsley’s probably glad to see the back of me and I didn’t want to rub your face in it.’

‘You’re hopeless,’ Sirius told him with a dramatic sigh. He noted with interest the fact that Remus had not yet asked about getting the piano moved to his new place. 

‘Probably,’ Remus conceded, a self-deprecating smile on his face. Soon he had gathered Teddy and was making his way out the door. 

‘Before you go, I’m thinking of doing something at Padfoot’s for my birthday if you’re interested. You said we should try being friends and I just thought, maybe,’ he began.

‘It sounds great, Sirius. Let me know, yeah?’ he said as he stepped outside into the hallway. 

Left alone, Sirius sank onto his sofa. _Baby steps_ , he told himself. _Baby steps_.


	28. Dora, Dori; Dori, Dora

‘I look alright, yeah?’ Remus asked Dora as he opened the door to let her in to his home.

‘You look fine,’ she told him with a smile.

‘Not trying too hard?’ he frowned.

‘No.’

‘At least I look like I made an effort though, don’t I?’ the questions continued.

Dora rolled her eyes. ‘You’re fine,’ she repeated. ‘Anyway, who exactly is it that you’re trying to impress?’

Remus blushed. It wasn’t like he was out to pull anyone tonight: Sirius was off-limits and hooking up with anyone else on his ex’s birthday seemed in bad taste. 

‘I just-,’ he started, before giving up and concluding with a shrug. 

‘Come here,’ Dora commanded softly before pulling him into a hug. ‘It’ll be alright, I promise.’

As she held him, the tension he’d been feeling slowly drained away.

‘Thank you,’ he told her. ‘You look great by the way, I particularly like the pink tutu.’

She beamed. ‘Thanks. I know there’s no uniform in my line of work, but it’s still a treat when I get to dress up.’

‘Fair enough. How’s Teddy doing?’ 

‘Fine, I left them in Kingsley’s capable hands,’ she said. 

Ooh, they’ll be fluent in baby sign language by the end of the night,’ Remus teased. 

Dora laughed. ‘I’ll be begging Kingsley to tell me what it all means next time we’re both on shift! Now come on, get in the car or we’ll be more than just fashionably late.’

As Dora had predicted, the party was already in full swing by the time they arrived. Gideon let them in, only slightly surprised to see them.

‘Tonks!’ the cry ran out as Sirius spotted them, moving purposefully in their direction. Once within hugging distance, he lifted her off her feet in a fierce hug.

‘Sirius! Put me down, now! How much have you had to drink already?’ she protested.

Remus couldn’t help but laugh. Sirius turned to face him, a wide grin on his face. 

‘Happy birthday, Sirius,’ Remus told him once Dora was safely back on the ground.

‘Thanks,’ Sirius replied, before moving in for a quick hug. 

‘Yeah, happy birthday,’ Dora added, smoothing down her tutu.

‘Hey Dora, there’s someone I think you should meet,’ Sirius informed her.

With that, he guided her to where one of his employees was talking with James. Remus was confused for a moment until he remembered what they were called.

‘What’s got you smiling like that?’ Lily asked, coming to stand beside him.

‘Sirius’ matchmaking,’ he told her, looking to where Dora and Dori were now embracing and laughing.

‘I didn’t know Tonks was-’ Lily said, evidently confused.

Remus shrugged. ‘Don’t know, she might be, I never asked. I think this is more innocent than that though: he’s just enjoying the fact he’s got two friends with pretty similar, yet slightly unusual names.’

‘Oh!’ Lily exclaimed as the penny dropped. Her cheeks coloured red in embarrassment. 

‘No need to be embarrassed,’ he assured her. ‘It was a poor joke on my part.’

Lily smiled gratefully. ‘How have you been, anyway?’

‘I’m alright. My life currently revolves around work and Teddy, but I’ve got no complaints,’ he said. ‘You? How’s Harry doing?’

‘Harry’s great, though he misses you: none of his teachers are as interesting apparently.’

This time, it was Remus who blushed. If Lily noticed, she gave no sign of it.

‘I’m fine. I got selected to start Core Training back in August so I’m nearing the end of my first rotation,’ she went on.

‘Have you decided what you’d like to specialise in?’ Remus asked, genuinely curious.

‘Well, it’s difficult because we have to make that decision having only done half of our CT rotations, but I really enjoyed Haematology during my foundation training and I’m returning there next month, so that’s a possibility,’ Lily told him.

Remus asked no more questions as their conversation was interrupted by James’ appearance at Lily’s side.

‘Sirius said you’d be coming,’ James greeted him coolly.

‘Yeah, we’re seeing if we can be friends, for Teddy’s sake.’

‘You don’t deserve it,’ James spat. ‘He really needed you and what did you do? You ran away as soon as it got tough.’

‘James,’ Lily warned him as Remus bowed his head in shame. ‘You know it was more complicated than that.’

‘It’s not complicated! I stood by you when you got pregnant, didn’t I?’ he turned to face his wife.

‘Are you likening your son to a disease? Classy, James. Sirius was ill, but so was Remus. Sometimes stubbornness isn’t the answer,’ Lily tried to reason with him.

Remus wanted the ground beneath him to swallow him up. 

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt him but we just weren’t ready for that step. Wouldn’t it have been worse to say yes and realise later that we’d made a terrible mistake and that we barely knew the person we were with?’ he asked, trying to explain himself.

‘Yes,’ Lily said.

‘No,’ James responded simultaneously.

Lily glared at him.

‘You work things out!’ he defended himself.

‘James, how many years did we know each other before I even liked you, let alone thought about dating you?’ Lily reminded him.

‘Too many,’ he admitted. ‘But that’s my point: I never gave up.’

‘And they haven’t given up, not entirely. From what Sirius has told me they might still get back together but they want to get to know each other first, like we did.  
That sounds pretty healthy to me,’ Lily concluded.

Remus shot her a grateful smile. He had feared that coming here tonight would result in this kind of argument, and he was thankful that Lily, even though she was one of Sirius’ oldest friends, did not resent him.

‘All my favourite people!’ Sirius exclaimed as he grabbed James by the shoulders.

‘Shit, Sirius!’ James visibly jumped, making Lily laugh. Remus allowed himself the luxury of a smirk.

Unperturbed, Sirius placed a peck on James’ cheek. ‘You know you love me, Prongsy.’

James huffed, but did not deny it. 

‘Come dance with me Prongs, let’s show them how it’s done!’ Sirius begged.

James rolled his eyes but obliged.

‘I’m going to need another drink,’ Lily groaned. ‘Do you want anything?’

‘No, I’m okay thanks.’

Glancing towards the dancefloor, he watched briefly as James and Sirius made fools of themselves dad-dancing to some cheesy 90s pop hit. Deciding it was time he pulled himself together, he forced himself to look away. 

Taking advantage of everyone’s distraction, he slipped out into the courtyard at the back of the building. It wasn’t much, but there was evidence that the kids had started turning the dull concrete square into a proper garden. Though it was only November, Remus could well imagine the myriad colours which would be on display come spring-time. Not for the first time, he wished he’d had a place like this to retreat to growing up. Somewhere no-one would judge him for his lack of preference and where he could find a bit of peace and quiet when his mind was attacking him again. 

‘What are you thinking?’ a voice called from the doorway, breaking through his thoughts.

‘Just marvelling at the amazing thing you’ve done here,’ he told Sirius. ‘I know I have no right, but I’m so proud of you.’

‘Well, if I hadn’t behaved like such an arse when Walburga died, maybe we’d have been able to come up with this together,’ Sirius replied.

‘Maybe,’ Remus said.

Sirius moved towards him and Remus shifted along the wall, giving him space to sit down next to him.

‘I never apologised,’ Sirius told him.

‘What for?’ Remus asked, genuinely confused.

‘McGonagall says I ask too much of the people I let in and it’s true. It wasn’t your job to rescue me,’ Sirius explained. 

‘Not sure James would agree,’ Remus replied with a bit more bitterness than he would have liked.

Sirius laughed, nudging Remus’ shoulder as he did so.

‘James is a stubborn git,’ he said. ‘He’s only this upset because he likes you.’

Remus huffed, only half-believing what Sirius was telling him.

‘Anyway, enough about him, I was trying to apologise to you. I’m sorry I asked you to marry me the way I did. I’m sorry I placed the burden of fixing the mess my mother left entirely on your shoulders. That was unfair to you.’

Remus knew what he did next was wrong, but it was the only thing that felt right in the split second following Sirius’ confession. He pressed his lips to Sirius’, who responded willingly.

Eventually coming back to his senses, he tried to pull away, but Sirius grabbed hold of his sleeve, silently begging him to stay.

‘Come back with me tonight,’ he pleaded. 

‘Sirius,’ Remus warned.

‘We don’t have to do anything, I promise. I just want to feel you next to me as I fall asleep,’ Sirius confessed.

‘All your friends are here, what will they think if they see us leaving together?’ Remus tried to reason with him.

‘I don’t care,’ Sirius replied. 

Remus smiled affectionately at Sirius’ bluster.

‘I don’t believe you,’ he teased.

Sirius smiled and his eyes lit up with mischief. ‘Is that a dare, Mr Lupin?’

Remus was startled. He hadn’t really meant anything by it beyond projecting his own fear of judgement outwards.

‘You should know, I never back down from a dare,’ Sirius continued. ‘Come on, up you get,’ he said, rising from the wall and turning to offer Remus a hand.

Dazed, Remus complied.

Sirius dragged him back inside before allowing Remus to let go of his hand. Remus went to stand next to Dora, wanting to appear as normal as possible but terrified she would know what had passed between them minutes earlier.

Sirius declared the party over and thanked everyone for coming, taking the time to express his gratitude personally as they walked past him and out the front door. 

‘Do you want a lift back?’ Dora turned to ask Remus.

‘Ah, no, it’s okay. My place isn’t far and I could do with some fresh air,’ he excused himself, knowing full well what a terrible liar he was.

Dora studied him closely, before giving him a peck on the cheek. ‘Don’t do anything you’ll regret,’ she whispered in his ear. ‘I’ll call you tomorrow, make sure you’re still in one piece.’

Remus could do nothing but blush in response.

He took advantage of the final farewells to go and hide in the toilets, not wanting to hang around and see people’s faces as they realised he hadn’t left with Dora. 

After what felt like an hour but must have been a much shorter time-span, he heard a knock on the bathroom door.

‘Are you in there?’ Sirius called, a teasing note to his voice.

Slowly, he walked up and opened the door.

Sirius beamed and Remus wondered how he’d ever been so lucky to be the cause of that smile. 

‘Come on, the coast is clear,’ Sirius said, grabbing his hand once more and leading him out to his motorbike. ‘Here: take my helmet,’ he offered. 

‘What about you?’ Remus protested. The thought of Sirius’ beautiful face being damaged because he was too selfish to say no when Sirius asked him to come home with him was almost too much to bear.

‘Your place isn’t far,’ Sirius stated as if that solved everything. 

With a sigh, Remus climbed onto the back and wrapped his arms around Sirius.

He’d missed this, he mused as Sirius drove through the night. His rational mind knew that to do anything other than sleep once they got home would damage their new equilibrium, but he missed the warmth that Sirius radiated out of every pore.

He fumbled trying to turn his keys in the lock once they reached his front door. It wasn’t the first time Sirius had seen his new place, but it would be the first time they’d slipped somewhere beyond their carefully controlled co-parenting arrangement.

Perhaps sensing his nerves, Sirius kissed him once they made it through the door. It was no more than a quick peck on the lips, a reassurance that if Remus was going to Hell that night, he wouldn’t be doing it alone.

‘Do you want something to drink?’ Remus offered, stalling for time.

Sirius shook his head.

‘Bathroom?’

‘No,’ Sirius denied with a smile. 

Remus swallowed nervously but nodded in acceptance and led Sirius to his bedroom.

They stripped down to their underwear before laying down on opposite sides of the bed. 

They stayed that way, not talking, not looking at each other until Sirius obviously decided he’d had enough and turned, reaching out to put his arms around Remus. Kissing Remus’ collarbone, he shifted, fitting himself around Remus’ limbs. 

‘Thank you,’ he whispered.

Remus said nothing, waiting until he could feel Sirius’ breaths slow down into the rhythm of sleep. Only then did he turn and look in wonder at the man who shared his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's been months... I can't guarantee the next update will be any quicker, but here it is with my heartfelt apologies.


	29. Let's Be Honest

Sirius wakes up in a strange bed, the sheets rumpled where his companion had been previously. Despite his disorientation, the smell which surrounds him is familiar and comforting.

Remus, he thinks, falling back down onto his pillow with a smile. 

His eyes close in satisfaction for an instant before reality catches up with him. 

He’s in Remus’ bed, alone. They are not together, haven’t been in almost half a year. Remus’ absence this morning and his choice not to wake him serving as silent reminders of their status. 

Well, fuck.

He tries to think of excuses: Remus was running late for work; he had to go and pick Teddy up; something terrible had happened to Lyall. He dismisses them all.  
Which means Remus is probably still in the flat, but clearly regretting what happened last night and avoiding Sirius as best he can with nowhere else to go.

He thinks he hears the front door click shut. He definitely hears the shower turn on. 

Relieved, Sirius lets out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. Remus wasn’t avoiding him, he was just going through his usual morning routine. Exercise, possibly a run to get the endorphins flowing, followed by a shower.

Sirius wonders whether he should get up and make them breakfast, or if that would be too presumptuous. In the end, he opts for a compromise, getting dressed and waiting for Remus’ next move.

Remus does not come back to the bedroom. Sirius hears him walk back past on his way to the kitchen. He hears cupboard doors being opened and shut, the rattle of cutlery.

Deciding he’s waited long enough, he moves off the bed and makes his way to the kitchen.

‘Hey,’ Remus greets him quietly as he approaches, a shy smile on his face. ‘I was just making breakfast.’

Sirius nods in acknowledgement and tries to return his smile, but he’s suddenly too nervous. Not wanting to make a fool of himself, he sits down when Remus gestures to do so.

‘Tea?’ Remus asks, as if a handful of months is enough time for him to forget Sirius’ habits. 

‘Please,’ he says, nudging his mug towards Remus.

They eat in silence, which does nothing to calm his nerves. He wants to know where they stand and he’s running out of patience with Remus’ polite prevarication. 

‘So,’ he says when the last of the bowls have been placed in the dishwasher.

Remus sighs but sits back down at the table. Sirius does likewise.

‘We can forget it ever happened, if you want,’ Remus says, resolutely avoiding his gaze.

Sirius wants to scream.

‘You know I don’t,’ he says instead. ‘You know last night was the best thing to happen to me in months.’

‘Sirius,’ Remus warns.

He knows. He knows hearing him speak like this would make McGonagall frown in concern. Then again, he can’t think she’d be too pleased with Remus’ self-sacrificing ways either. 

‘I’m not saying my life lacks meaning without you: watching Padfoot become everything we never had; spending time with Teddy, those are the things that give my life meaning. It’s just that if I had a choice, I would rather do both those things with you by my side,’ Sirius explains.

Remus lets out a shaky breath, as if he can barely believe what Sirius is telling him. 

‘It can’t be like before,’ he warns.

He’s heard it said, mainly by Gid and Dori, that things are never the same the second time around. Still he can’t help his belief that they are different.

‘I know that’s what they say, but we still care about each other right?’ he replies, only slightly embarrassed by the neediness in his voice.

‘That’s not what I meant,’ Remus responds. ‘It’s just, I have Teddy now-,’

‘I’m aware,’ Sirius interrupts. This sounds an awful lot like the beginning of Remus’ breakup speech and he does not want to hear that again.

Remus looks hurt for a moment before his eyes widen in understanding. ‘Oh God, Sirius. I’m doing this all wrong, aren’t I?’

Not sure what he’s meant to say, Sirius merely shrugs.

‘Okay, third time’s the charm, hopefully. What I meant is that if we’re doing this, we have to do it properly. We have to take it slow, to make sure it’s what we really want. No racing through the milestones like last time. And we have to be honest with each other when something doesn’t feel right, whether that’s with us as a couple, or as individuals,’ Remus says.

‘We both have to accept you’re only human, is that what you’re implying?’ Sirius asks, trying to make a joke of it.

‘Exactly,’ Remus agrees with a smile. 

‘So, what now?’ Sirius asks. He has no idea what Remus has in mind when he suggests they take it slow. 

‘Well, say last night was the very start of something for us. Traditionally, we would swap numbers, you would go home and then at some point this week, maybe tomorrow, one of us would get in touch suggesting a date later in the week,’ Remus explains.

Sirius chokes on his tea trying to smother a derisive laugh. ‘Seriously?’ he asks, and it is testament to how ridiculous he finds the situation that he doesn’t notice the pun slip out.

Remus does, quirking an amused eyebrow in his direction.

‘What?’ Sirius asks before realisation dawns. ‘Oh, that? It’s my name, I’m allowed. It’s other people that can’t,’ he specifies. ‘Anyway, we’ve known each other over a year, do we really have to do this?’

‘We’ve been in each other’s lives over a year, there’s a difference,’ Remus points out. ‘Look, last time, my mistakes meant we had no chance to enjoy the honeymoon phase: you were thrown straight into all the preparations for Teddy’s arrival that should have come years down the line, if at all. I don’t know if you even wanted children of your own! I certainly didn’t.’

Sirius is brought up short. It’s an interesting question with a complex answer, and possibly not the sort you ask on a first date judging by the softly-softly approach Remus seems to be driving at. 

‘Okay,’ he relents. 

Remus smiles wide, grateful to have got the point across. ‘Now, as lovely a sight as you are to wake up to in the morning, I have marking and lesson plans calling my name and I fear your presence might prove too much of a distraction.’

Sirius knows he’s being dismissed, but strangely it doesn’t hurt as much as he thought it might. It may be the teacher’s tactic of hiding bad news between layers of compliments, but Sirius would like to believe he’s also achieved a certain level of personal growth since Walburga’s death. He doesn’t want to think what his reaction might have been had Remus not agreed to give them another try.

‘Right, yeah, I’ll call you?’ Sirius asks, still unsure of the basic etiquette of this dating malarkey. 

‘I look forward to it,’ Remus tells him sincerely.

Remus accompanies him to the door and Sirius braves a quick peck to his temple by way of farewell. He is amused by the blush he feels warming Remus’ skin, but he pulls away, unwilling to test Remus’ boundaries so soon.

It is only when he’s back on his bike that he remembers he hasn’t got the first idea about planning a date. He goes through his mental address book thinking who to ask. James is a no, he just set his mind on an objective and refused to quit, a tactic which didn’t really work out for him and Remus. Lily eventually gave in to James’ relentless devotion so she’s useless too and he fears James might do something unspeakable to him if he asks Lily about her previous relationships. McGonagall would frown and ask him if he were sure before moving the conversation back to the state of his mental health. Dora may be willing but asking her for dating tips concerning Remus feels kind of awkward. The gang from Padfoot’s would already know about the gay thing so that wouldn’t be weird, but their dating advice had proved pretty disastrous in the past. Molly Weasley’s attitude to Remus in particular and bisexual people in general discounted her even if Sirius didn’t have the sneaking suspicion Molly was the James to Arthur’s Lily. 

That leaves Alice Longbottom. He doesn’t know much about her dating history, but her and Frank are in their mid-thirties and only have Neville so it’s reasonable to assume that they didn’t meet on the first day of secondary school and decide they were each other’s one and only. As such, she’s probably been on enough dates to give him a few pointers. Yes, she would do nicely.

‘You came to me for dating advice,’ Alice repeats, incredulous, as he explains his predicament to her that same afternoon. 

‘Yes,’ Sirius nods earnestly.

‘Why not James? Or Lily?’ Alice asks.

‘Because stubbornness won’t work with the person I’m seeing, and that’s basically how James eventually got Lily to go out with him,’ he explains.

‘Right, so it’s someone you’ve known for a while?’ 

‘Yeah, we were together for about nine months,’ Sirius confesses.

‘And you broke up why?’ Alice asks, frowning.

‘I asked them to marry me instead of dealing with the fact that my abusive witch of a mother had died,’ he states plainly.

‘Ouch,’ Alice winces. ‘And the two of you have been able to move past that?’

‘I think so. We’re taking things slower this time and trying to communicate a bit more,’ he says.

‘That’s good. So, what do you want from me?’

‘They said we should go on a date and I think they’ve left it up to me to organise but I’ve never done this sort of thing before,’ Sirius admits.

‘You’ve never been on a date? Why?’ Alice asks, evidently shocked. ‘You’re a good-looking guy, I’d have thought they’d be flocking to you.’

‘Because I’m gay,’ he mumbles.

Alice’s reaction surprises him: there is no intake of breath, no raised eyebrow. ‘Figured, the insistent use of “they” was a bit of a giveaway, but I wasn’t going to say anything unless you were. Now, it’s been a while since I’ve been on the scene but I’m pretty sure dating’s not a straights-only thing so what have you been up to all these years?’ she asks with a smile.

‘You, you’re-,’ Sirius stutters.

‘Not straight? Does that surprise you?’ she asks, amused.

‘Well, yeah. Why didn’t you say anything?’

‘You didn’t say anything either,’ Alice says with a shrug. ‘Frank’s ace, I’m into women, we’re best friends who wanted a child. We got married in order to please Frank’s parents.’ 

‘And you’re happy?’ he asks, still in shock. He couldn’t imagine himself shacking up with a woman just to have children. 

‘Yeah. Frank and I agreed I was allowed to see other people and now that Neville’s in school full-time, maybe I’ll start dating again but the two of them will always be my priority,’ Alice tells him. ‘Anyway, enough about me, how on earth have you never been on a date?’

‘I had a lot of internalised homophobia to get through, and then I met Remus but he was ill and then I found out he was having a child with someone else and we just never had the time,’ Sirius explains as briefly as he could.

‘This is the guy you asked to marry you?’ Alice asks.

Sirius nods. 

‘And he’s no longer with the mother of his child?’

‘No, he never was. Teddy was the result of a one-night stand. Dora’s great but there’s nothing romantic between them,’ he tells her. 

The look on Alice’s face seems to suggest she’s working out some complex mental arithmetic. ‘You don’t mean Dora Tonks, do you?’

‘You know her?’ Sirius is finding that Alice is full of surprises.

‘We work together. She’s being lined up to partner with Frank once she completes her training,’ Alice confirms.

How could he be so stupid as to forget what the Longbottoms did for a living?

‘What you’re saying is you’re dating Kingsley’s best mate?’ Alice asks, clearly intent on increasing his embarrassment. 

‘Yes,’ he manages to admit.

‘Right. Well, we’ve only met the once, and from what Kingsley told us he perhaps wasn’t himself at the time, so I’m not sure how to tailor this advice for the pair of you specifically, but basically find a nice café, somewhere where you can talk but keep things light at the same time,’ Alice advises. ‘I don’t know whether it’ll be to your taste, but there’s this place, Madame Pudifoot’s, she takes no nonsense from homophobes so you should feel at ease there.’

‘Then what?’ The name of the place appeals, being so close to his own nickname, and the fact it’s gay-friendly is a definite plus. 

‘Drink your coffee, eat cake, talk, have a good time, suggest meeting again if it goes well, go your separate ways. Repeat until you’re both comfortable taking things further,’ Alice tells him bluntly. 

‘That’s it?’ he asks. 

‘That’s it,’ she confirms. 

Sirius leaves soon after, full of excitement for the week ahead.


End file.
